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New York : 

HAPPY HOURS COMPANY, 

No. 5 Beekman Street. 



! 



THEATRICALS AND ELOCUTION. 



The Actor's £Lrt. 

Its Requisites and how to obtain them, its Defects, and how to remove them. 
By Charles William Smith, Professor of Elocution in the University of Oxford, 
author of "Clerical Elocution," " Reading, Speaking and Action," "Common 
Blunders Made in Speaking and "Writing," "Elocution Without a Master," etc., 
etc. Containing clear and full directions iu every branch of the Art ; with com- 
plete and valuable instructions for beginners relative to rehearsals, entrances and 
exits, general hints on action, qualities of voice, etc., etc. In short, an indispen- 
sable book to the amateur. Price 15 cts. 

The Amateur's Guide to Home or Drawing-Room Theatri- 
cals. 

How to get them up and how to act in them. Edited by Toxr Denier, author of 
"Denier's Parlor Pantomimes," " Shadow Pantomimes," " "arlor Tableaux," etc., 
etc. Containing full and complete instructions in every branch of the Dramatic 
Art. We have given special attention to the selection f pieces for private repre- 
sentation, also giving practical advice as to Dressing, Making Up, Properties, 
Stage Illusions and Effects, Deportment, Speaking and Effective Acting, Selected 
Scenes for Amateurs, Stage Directions, Rehearsals, Scenery and Scene Paint- 
ing, Rules for Amateur Clubs, Theatrical Publications, a full list of American 
Theatrical Tradesmen in every Branch. The most complete book, in its variety 
of details, ever published. New American edition, corrected to date. 
Price 35 cts. 

The Art of Public Speaking. 

An Exposition of the Principles of Oratory. By Samuel Neil, author of " Cul- 
ture and Self-Culture," "The Young Debater," etc., etc. Containing the nature 
and principles Of Public Speaking ; Ancient and Modern Eloquence ; Parliamen- 
tary Eloquence ; Forensic Eloquence ; Eloquence of the Pulpit, etc., etc. For 
those who desire to become ready off-hand speakers, this book is invaluable— con- 
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utterance with a proper regard for purity of intonation, clearness of articulation 
and appropriate gesture. Price 25 cts. 

Elocution Without a Master. 

A Self-Instructor in the Art of Reading and Speaking well. A work for teach- 
ing not only the beginner, but for perfecting every one in this most desirable of 
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for the adult, whether professionally or socially, it is one they cannot dispense 
with. The accompanying instructions are so plain, direct and forcible, that 
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ous art that has immortalized Calhoun, Clay, Webster. Sumner, and a legion more 
of the bright lights of our country. Price! 15 cts. 

Hand Book of Elocution and Oratory. 

Being a Systematic Compendium of the necessary Rules for attaining Proficien- 
cy in Reading and Speaking. With copious and interesting examples. 

This treatise on Elocution and Oratory has been prepared with a strict regard 
to practical utility, by a favorite tragedienne of the stage. By attention to its 
rules the learner may rapidly acquire the art of reading alone with due emphasis, 
and of expressing himself in a set speech or a recitation with propriety. Though 
chiefly designed for social purposes, it will also prove a safe guide for those who 
wish to establish a well founded professional reputation, either as readers, speak- 
ers or actors. 

CONTEXTS. 
Preliminary Remarks on the Leading Principles oT Elocution. Family Reading. 
Table Oratorv. Wedding Breakfast Speeches. Public Reading. Aftei Dinner 
Speeches. Funeral Orations. Verse. The Bar. The Pulpit. The Stage. 
Parliamentary. The Lecture Desk. The Platform. Conclusion. 

Price - 30 cts. 

Either of the above will be sent by mail, on receipt of the price, by 
HAPPY HOURS COMPANY, Publishers, 

No. 5 Baekmaii Street, New York. 



HUMOROUS DIALOGUES. 



DESIGNED FOR 




SCHOOL EXHIBITIONS, LITERARY ENTERTAINMENTS, 
AND AMATEUR THEATRICALS, 



H. ELLIOTT McBRIDE, 



AUTHOR OF 



"McBride's Temperance Dialogues," " McBride's Comic Speeches 
and Recitations," "McBride's Comic Dialogues," "Mc- 
Bride's All Kinds of Dialogues," "Funny 
Fellows' Dialogues," etc., etc. 



r^/f 



New York: 
HAPPY HOU R S C O M P ANY, 

No. 5 BEE KM AN STREET, 






Entered according to Act of Congress in the year 1870, by 

HAPPY HOUBS COMPANY, 

in tbe office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 



M) 



CONTENTS. 



PAGE. 

Preface, -----------5 

Striking the Blow, -------- 7 

Curing the Borrowers, --------17 

Another Arrangement, ------- 31 

Scene in the Bobtown School, ------ 43 

Mrs. Bolivar's Quilting, ------- 55 

A Rumpus, ----------65 

Scene in a Railway Station, ------ 75 

A Pantaloon Fight, ---83 

A Boys' Meeting, --93 

A Happy Family, --------- 105 

A Farmers' Meeting, - - - - - . - - - 113 

Uncle Sam's Wars, 127 

Riches Have Wings, 151 

The Reclaimed Father, -------- 173 

Leaving Jonah, - 181 

(iii, 



PREFACE. 



-:o; 



The representation of dialogues on the parlor stage and 
in the school-room having become more general than in 
the days gone by, the young folks are constantly on the 
look out for something new and striking. This is as it 
should be. The scholar and the amateur actor should 
not be expected nor required to commit and perform old, 
stiff and formal dialogues, such as were performed ten, 
twenty or thirty years ago ; they should not be expected 
to delight in that which has gone the rounds of the school 
and recitation room, and been repeated and re-repeated 
until worn threadbare. 'Tis said that a story loses nothing 
by being twice told. This is true, but when told half-a- 
dozen times it becomes u flat," stale and unprofitable. 

It has been observed that, as a rule, young folks in 
selecting dialogues or plays for performance prefer some- 
thing of a comic nature, knowing as they do, that when 
people come to a place of amusement they want to be 
amused. Persons sometimes make a mistake here, in 

(v) 



VI PREFACE. 

arranging for an entertainment. They believe that the 
audience assembles for the purpose of being instructed, 
whereas they come with no such intent ; they ask and 
expect only to be amused. The author has kept this 
idea in view and has endeavored to make the dialogues 
of a lively and humorous description. 

The author is thankful for the reception accorded to 
his former dialogues books, and hopes that the " Hu- 
morous Dialogues" which he now sends forth, may be 
received in the same flattering manner. 

H. Elliott McBride. 

Shirland, Allegheny Co., Pa* 



STRIKING THE BLOW. 

IN TWO SCENES. 



m 



STRIKING THE BLOW 



-: o :- 



CHARACTERS. 



Alexander Addlefaddle, An Old Bachelor, 

Miss Susan Long, } n , 7 , r . , 
Miss Betsey Trott, \ 0ld Malds - 
Mrs. Belinda Stout, \ TT7 . 7 
Mrs. Emily Bibb, ' \ Widows. 



COSTUMES.— MODERN. 

PROPERTIES. 
Table. Four chairs. Resolutions for Miss Trott. 



(« 



STRIKING THE BLOW. 



Scene I. — A Room, Doors r. and l. Table, Four chairs. 

Miss Long, Miss Trott, Mrs. Stout and Mrs, Bibb discovered 

seated. 

Miss Long, (Rising.) I hev called this ineetin', as you know, 
fur the purpose of laying our beads together, as it were, and to 
sorter consult as to what we should do towards gittin' life pardners 
or bosom companions, as it were. We are gittin' purty old, al- 
though- of course we wouldn't whisper this outside of our nieetin', 
and it behooves us to bestir ourselves, or we may hev to live and 
die without bein' able to git married, and that would be a sad and 
distressin' picture indeed. Then the question arises, what shill we 
do? I hev a plan, but as I called this meetin I will not state my 
idees at present, but will wait untiW hev heard from the rest of you. 
Mrs. Belinda Stout, will you speak and give us your idees as to 
the manner in which we should proceed ? (Sits doioi. 

Mrs. Stout. (Rising ) Sisters, I rise with consid'able trepida- 
tion and also with some fluctuation. I ain't used to speakin' in 
the public, but as there are but three of you to speak to, I think 
I kin git through. Don't view me with a critic's eye, fur, as I 
said afore, I shill speak through consid'able trepidation, and I 
would ask you to pass my imperfections by. I am irresistibly and 
phrenologically of the opinion that there ought to be somethiu' 
done, but I hevu't decided yet what that somethiu' should be. 

« 



10 STRIKING THE BLOW, 

Here I've been a widder fur np'ards of six years, and in all that time 
nobody has come nigh fur the purpose of courtin' me, and I hevu't 
received a siugle preposition of matrimony. Surely something must 
be done. We must awake out of our cabolic sleep — we must bestir 
ourselves and git around — we must do somethin' immediately to 
keep off the storm which is now comiu' on. I feel that I hev 
been sadly and wofully neglected. I would make a good parduer 
fnr any man, and yet I am passed by as though I was an insig- 
nificant reed which grew in the valley. Old Matilda Topp has 
circulated some slantindicular reports about me. She has said that 
I wasn't gentle and kind to my former pardner, and that he led 
a wretched life. This is an outrageous lie, and old Matilda Topp 
deserves to have her ears cut off, I believe that this report is 
what is keepin' the bachelor sect away, and I shili pursue old 
Matilda Topp throughout her nateral life with vengeance a burnin' 
n my heart. Some things kin be looked over, but this one thing 
can't be looked over. Here I am kept out of matrimony jest be- 
cause this old hag has circulated slantindicular reports about me 
when fur four or five years past I should hev been j'ined in matri- 
mony to a man and renderin' his home happy. The urgent voice 
of the hour calls aloud and says that somethin' must be done. 
As I said afore I hevn't decided what would be "the proper course 
to pursue, but I stand ready to do somethin'. The hour has come 
fur us to strike, I will perceed to say nothin* more at this time. 

(Sits down. 

Hiss L. Miss Betsey Trott, will you give your idees now as 
to what should be done in this tryin' hour? 

Miss Trott. (Rising, j The poet says : 

" Know ye not 
Who would be free themselves must strike the blow ?" 

The poet also says : 

1 ' I am as a weed, 
Flung from the rock, on ocean's foam to sail, 
Where'er the surge may sweep, the tempest's breath prevail. n 

Again the poet says : 

* " Years steal 
Fire from the mind as vigor from the limb ; 
And life's enchanted cup but sparkles near the brim." 
The poet also says : 

1 J Man's love is of man's life a thing apart, 

'Tis woman's whole existence ; man may range 
The court, camp, church, the vessel and the mart, 

Sword, gown, gain, glory, offer in exchange 
Pride, fame, ambition, to fill up his heart, 

And few there are whom these cannot estrange ; 
Men have all these resources, we but one, 
To love again and be undone." 



STRIKING THE BLOW. 11 

I will not make a speech on this occasion, but I will read a few 
revolutions which 1 wish to offer. (Beads. 

"Whereas, We believe that it is the bounden duty of every woman 
to git married and endeavor to build up a happy home, and 

Whereas, We hev decided with the poet that we must strike the 
blow, therefore, 

Resolved, First, that we must do somethin'. 

Resolved, Second, that we must do somethin' purty soon. 

Resolved, Third, that we endeavor to strike the blow. 

Resolved, Fourth, that we strike the blow by goin' from house to 
house and perposin' to the men. 

Resolved, Fifth, that we perpose to the men we like best first, 
and if we don't succeed let us persevere and go on down and take 
one we do not like rather than not git one. 

Resolved, Sixth, that the community should not look upon this 
perceedin' of perposin' to the men as improper. 

Resolved, Seventh, that the mind of man is becoming enlightened, 
and the people are beginnin' to see that the women hev jest as good 
a right to perpose as the men hev." 

These are the revolutions. I will not say anything on this occasion 
except this : I think we must strike the blow by goin' from house 
to house and doin' the perposin', (Sits down. 

Mrs. Bibb. (Rising.) Them revolutions embodicates my senti- 
ments to a t-y-ty. We must strike the blow by goin' from house 
to house and doin' the perposin'. In fact, to tell the illiteral truth 
about the matter, there ain't no other way of doin'. If the moun- 
tain won't come to us we must arise and git up and go to the 
mountain. I hev six six small children and I could build up a 
happy home fur any man. My children are some trouble to me, 
I admit, and I seek a husband so that he may assist me in bringin' 
them up in the way they should go. Sisters, in takin' this step 
let us not falter nor fall back, but let us go forward with a strong 
arm and a wicked heart. As the resolutioner sez, "If we don't 
git the man we like best, let us persevere and go on until we 
git a man we don't like, rather than to git none at all. Sisters, 
I am ready fur battle. (Sits down. 

Miss L. (Rising.) Miss Trott has give my sentiments exactly. 
I, too, think that we should strike the blow by goin' from house 
to house. I will not make a lengthy long speech, as I am anxious 
to be up and a doin'. We all seem to be of one opinion, and we 
will therefore adjourn this here meetin' and go out bravely to the 
great work which lies before us. This meetin' is over and also 
adjourned, 



12 STRIKING THE BLOW. 



Scene II. — A Boom, Doors r. and l. Table, c. Chair on each 

side of it. 

Enter Mr. Alexander Addlefaddle, r. 

Alexander, I hear a step. Who can be coming here. (Knock at 
L. door, ) Plague take the people ; I wish they'd stay away. (Looks 
through key-liole. ) Thunder and grindstones ! I believe it's a woman. 
What would a woman come here for? (Opens door.) Jerusalem! 
it is a woman. 

Enter Miss Long, l. 

Alexander. How do you do ? 

Miss Long. Are you surprised to see me ? 

Alexander. Surprised? Yes, terrified — struck all of a heap. 

Miss Long. I'm sure I don't want to terrify anybody. 

Alexander. You don't? (Aside.) I wonder what the old gal 
wants ? 

Miss Long. (Aside.) I wonder if he isn't going to ask me to 
sit down ? 

Alexander. I guess we're going to have some rain or some snow 
after awhile, ain't we? 

Miss Long. Yes, I guess so, (Aside.) I'll sit down anyhow. 

(Seats Iter self. 

Alexander. (Aside.) That's an unprincipled old gal to sit down 
without being invited. 

Miss Long. I have called for the purpose of speaking of an im- 
portant matter. 

Alexander. (Aside.) I wonder how long she's going to stay. 

Miss Long. This matter may surprise you some, but I consider 
it my duty to speak. You are single, Mr. Addlefaddle, and so am 
I. This is altogether wrong. If we were united in the indestructi- 
ble bonds of matrimony we could build up a happy home. It is 
your duty to hev a pardner, or a bosom companion, as it were. 
I would make a good wife for any man, Mr. Addlefaddle, and I 
stand ready to be your bosom companion. 

Alexander. Great Peter Jehosophat ! 

Miss Long. I know it isn't customary fur the female sect to 
do the perposin', but mankind is beginnin' to become enlightened 
and the people are beginnin' to think that the female sect hev as 
good a right to do the perposin' as the man sect. The female 
sect of this place hev decided to take a step forward and commence 
to select their pardners. Mr. Addlefaddle, I hev allers thought & 



STEIKING TKE BLOW. 13 



great deal of you. You are a noble man. You Lev a fine form, 
and you Lev a bouse in wbicb, if you bad a pardner, or a bosom 
companion, as it were, you could Lev a cheerin' family around 
you, and thus build up 

Alexander' Old gal, do you see tbat door? (Calls.) Tom, bring 
me my gun. 

Miss Long. (Springing up. ) Gracious! you wouldn't sboot, 
would you ? 

Alexander, Sboot? Yes, I'll pop you over in two minutes if you 
don't go. 

Miss Long. Goodness ! what a man ! (Bkii l. 

Alexander. What's tbe world coming to? Am I crozy, or is 
tbat old gal crazy ? Something must have gone wrong. This beats 
tbe nation ; old Suzy Long comes here and wants me to be her 
bosom companion. Jupiter ! I have a notion to take my gun, follow 
her up and shoot her down in her tracks. (Knack at door, l. ) 
Who's coming now ? I suppose the old gal has come b:tck and 
is going to try again. Tom, bring my gun. (Opens door, l.) 
Come in. 

Enter Mbs. Bibb, l. 

Alexander. Oh ! it's another woman — it's Mrs. Bibb. How do 
you do to-day ? And how are all the little Bibbs ? 

Mrs. Bibb. (Aside.) He seems excited. 

Alexander. (Placing chair.) Sit down, Mrs. Bibb, sit down. I 
feel a little queer to-dav. but sit down, Mrs. Bibb. 

Mrs. Bibb. (Seats herself.) Mr. Addlefaddle, I'll come to the 
point at once. 

Alexander. No, Mrs. Bibb, don't come to the point at once ; 
come to the point at twice. It is a great deal better to do it that 
way. 

Mrs. B. Some of the female sect of this place hev decided that 
if the mountain won't come to them, they must arise and git up 
and go to the mountain. They hev also decided that they must 
strike the blow by goin' from house to house. I hev sot out upon 
that work. I hev allers thought a great deal of you, Mr. Addlefaddle, 
and, therefore, I come to you first. I will now explain. I am a 
a willow with six small children, and if I had a pardner there could 
be a happy home built up. I understand housekeepin' and I kin 
make apple-duin pirn's. 

Alexander. (Excitedly.) Is that so? Can you make apple- 
dumplin's? Make us halt a dozen right on the spot. 

Mrs. Bibb. Oh, Mr. Addlefaddle, if you would marry me we 
could be .so happy, and I would make apple dumplin's every day. 

Alexattder. Apple-dumplin's every day, that's the ticket. I'll 
take von, Mrs. Bibb, but 111 shoot all the little Bibbs. I won't have 
any little Bibbs around my house. No, sir ! 



14 STRIKING THE BLOW. 

Mrs. Bibb. What makes you talk that way, dear Alexander, Are 
you not well? 

Alexander. No, I'm not quite square this morning. My head 
feels sorter queer. But it's no difference about the head. Let's talk 
about the dumplings aud the little Bibbs. How many little Bibbs 
have you? 

Mrs. Bibb. I have six children, Alexander, and they are precious 
darlings. 

Alexander. Yes, I suppose they are tip-top little chaps. Won't 
it be glorious fun to shoot six little Bibbs. (Fiercely.) Tom, bring 
my gun ; I've got some Bibbs to shoot ! 

Mrs. Bibb. (Startled. J Alexander, be calm. Sit down and this 
will pass off. 

Alexander. Sit down? Never! Do you think I can sit down 
when there is so much work before me? (Dances around the room 
and sings. J Tol de rol de riddle dol, tol de rol de riddle dol, tol de 
riddle di do, tol de riddle di do. Look here, Mrs. Bibb, with the 
sixty-six small Bibbs, will you honor me with your hand in the next 
dance ? 

Mis. Bibb. Oh, Alexander, do sit down and rest yourself. 

Alexander, Best myself? I don't understand you. Sixty-six 
small Bibbs ; that will take sixty-six guns. ( Galling. ) . Tom, bring 
me sixty -six guns. (Stands on a chair and declaims: 

" Though the old Allegheny may tower to heaven, 

And the Father of Waters divide, 
The links of our destiny cannot be riven 

While tbe truth of those words shall abide. 
Oh ! then, let them glow on each helmet and brand. 

Though our blood like our rivers should run, 
Divide as we may in our own native land, 

To the rest of the world we are one. 

Then, up with our flag ! let it stream on the air ; 

Though our fathers are cold in their graves, 
They had hands that could strike, they had souls that could 
dare, 

And their sons were not born to be slaves. 
Up, up with that banner ! where'er it may call, 

Our millions shall rally around, 
And a nation of freemen that moment shall fall, 

When its stars shall be trailed on the ground." 

(Jumps down and commences to sing and dance. 

Mrs. Bibb. (Aside.) The man is crazy. I will go, or lie may 

shoot me. ( Goes to door. 

Alexander. Woman, where are you going? Didn't you promise 



STRIKING THE BLOW. 15 

to be my Bibb ? Are you going to leave me ? Come, Mrs. Bibb, 
and we will build up a happy home. Bat, in the first place, we will 
shoot down the sixty-six Bibbs. (Fiercely. J Tom, bring me sixty- 
six guns. 

31rs. Bibb. I must go immediately. 

Alexander. Must you go ? Good bye, then. Call again some day 
when you want to build up a happy home. Bring the sixty-six little 
Bibbs along. {Rut Mls. Bibb, l.) Well, I think if that old fool 
goes forward in her endeavor to catch a husband, she'll not come 
again to strike the blow. 



CtJBTADi. 



CURING THE BORROWERS. 

A SKETCH, IN THREE SCENES. 



<W) 



CURING THE BORROWERS. 



CHARACTERS. 

Thomas Wokth, A Neighborly Neighbor* 
Mrs. Jane AVorth, His Wife. 
Billy Worth, Their Son. 
John Blackford, A Second Adventist. 
Mrs. Lucy Blackford, His Wife. 
Fanny Blackford, Their Daughter. 



COSTUMES. —MODERN. 



PROPERTIES. 



Tables. Chairs. Sofa. Sewing and parcels for Mrs. Worth. 
Pitcher for Fanny. 



(1*) 



CURING THE BORROWERS. 



Scene L— A Neatly-Famished Room. Doors u. and l. Window luC. 
in flat Table at back, c. Chairs B. and L. 

Mrs. Worth discovered seated, engaged in sewing- 
Enter Mrs. Blackford, l. 

Mrs. Blackford. I thought I'd jist run in fur a minute and hev 
a little talk. But, indeed, I can't stay long fur I hev so much 
to do. 

Mrs. Worth. Take a seat, Mrs. Blackford. 

Mrs. B. Yes, I will set down fur a little spell, but, indeed, I can't 
stay very long. (Seats herself.) You know the time's a-comin' 
fast and it'll soon be here and we must get our house set in 
order. 

Mrs. W. What day is it you have set for the world to come to an 
end? 

Mrs. B. Oh, I didn't set it ; indeed, I didn't ; and John didn't 
set it neither. It's a sort of a revelation or some thin' or another. 
The leaders they understand all about it, and the day is sot, and 
it's a-comin' jest as sure as anything, and there'll be fire and smoke 
and confusion and great hollerin', and everything will come to an 

(19) 



20 CVtLlSQ THE BOKBOWEK& 

end. That's what (he Elder says about it, and he understands clean 
through and through. He has studied the matter over and over and 
heerd revelations, and when he gits the day fixed there's no mistake 
but it'll come off, 

Mrs, }V. But what day is ifc they have fixed for the great 
ending ? 

Mrs. B. It is next Thursday, jest one week from to-day. 0h f 
when I think that it is comin' so soon, 1 feel that I ought to git 
up and go home and do somethin' more so as to git my house set in 
order. "Yes, Mrs. Worth, it's a comin' pnrty soon now, and it makes 
me feel sad and kinder sick to see nice people like you un's goin' 
right on j^st as if nothin' was goin' to happen. Oh, Sirs. Worth, do 
take my advice and git your house in order. There can't be no 
mistake this time. The leaders, which hev got the revelations, 
says that it is sure to come, and no mistake. And when it comes 
there'll be fire and smoke and confusion, and mebbe there'll be great 
big hailstones and k thunder storm. Oh I it will be a terrifyin' 
time, and jist to think that it will all come on next Thursday. 
(Rising.) I guess I can't staj 7 any longer to-day, Mrs. Worth, 
fur when I git to tkinkin' about it I feel like gittin' at and doin' 
somethin' more so as to git my house set in order. Oh ! Mrs. 
Worth, do take warning' and rouse yourself and git ready fur the 
great confusion and tearin' up of all things. 

Mrs. W. I think you need not give yourself any uneasiness, 
Mrs. Blackford, it is all a mistake. No man living can appoint the 
time for the general dissolution. 

Mr. 9. B. Yes, that's jist the way they talked at the time of 
the flood. They went on gittin' married and hevin' feasts and 
doin' business jist as if nothin' was goin' to happen. They said 
among theirselves, "Oh, Mr. Noah, he's a fool fur to go and build 
sich a house as that." M There ain't goin' to be no flood." "There 
never was a big flood and of course there can't be one now." *' Mr. 
Noah, will hev all his trouble fur nothin'." But how did ifc turn 
out? Didn't the flood come, and didn't the water keep risin' up 
and risin' up until everybody was drowndid ? Yes, indeed, and 
that's the way it'll be this time. The people will go on doin' 
business and gittin' married and. hevin' leasts until next Thurs- 
day, and then the fire and the smoke and the hailstones will come 
and the people will see then that the Second Adventist's was 
right, and they'll wish then that they had set their houses in order 
and got into the ark of safety. But, Mrs. Worth, I had pnrty nigh 
forgot it, I wanted to ax you if you'd lend me three or four eggs. 
You see when I git to talkin' about the noise and the fire and the 
hailstones I forget everything else. We'll all be goin' next Thurs- 
day and it isn't worth while fur me to go to the store and buy a 
few eggs. If the end wasn't comin' so soon I'd go and lay in a 
good supply of eggs, but the time is short and it ain't any use fur 
us to trouble ourselves about the things of this life. 



CURING THE BORROWERS. 21 

Mrs. W. (Wising.) Yes, you can have the eggs. 

Mrs. B. And could you give me some saleratus and a little white 
sugar and a pinch of pepper ? And I'd like to hev some tea too, if 
you hev any green tea, but I never did like black tea. 

Mrs. W. Yes, I can give them to you. Eggs and white sugar 
and saleratus and what else ? 

Mrs. B. And a pinch of pepper and some tea, if it's green tea, 
but I never did like black tea. I would go the store to git these 
things, but it is doesn't seem worth while when the end iscomiu' 
so soon. It wouldn't be any use to buy a barrel of sugar now, fur 
we couldn't git it used. 

Mrs. W. Sit down for a few minutes, Mrs. Blackford, and I will 
get the articles. 

Mrs. B. And some salt. I had purty nigh forgot about the salt ; 
but it's because I'm thinkin' so much al>out the noise and confusion 
which is to come upon the world next Thursday. About a quart of 
salt will do, Mrs, Worth. Of course it isn't worth while to buy a 
barrel of salt fur sieh a short time. 

Mrs. W. I will return in a few minutes. (Exit R. 

Mrs. B. It is a strange and startlin' thing to me how some people 
will go on with their work when the end of the world is starin' them 
right in the face. Mrs. Worth must be an awful worldly woman. 
Here she's sewin' away jest as if there wasn't anything goin' to 
happen. (Takes zip the garment on which Mrs. Worth had been 
sewing. ) She's niakiu' a dress fur herself. Well, that's jist the way 
it was in the days of Noah. They went on makin* dresses and doin' 
housework, and the flood come and swept them all away. I declare, 
she's makin' it with a pollynay too ! Ob, sich a woman ! When the 
fire and the smoke and the hailstones comes next Thursday she won't 
cure nothin' more about pollynayses. I wish nhe'd hurry up with 
them groceries. I'm wantin' my dinner and I 'spect John will be 
awful hungry too. Jist as like as not she'll give me brown sugar 
instead of white, and mebbe she'll wrap up black tea instead of green. 
She won't give me very much of anything I'll bet, fur she never was a 
woman to give much away. 

Eider *Mns. Worth, r., icith a number of parcels. 

Mrs. W. (Handing the parcels.) Here are all the articles you 
named, I believe. 

Mrs. B. Did vou git white sugar? 

Mrs. W. Yes.' 

Mrs. B And green tea? 

Mrs. W. Yes. 

Mrs. B. Then I'm very much obleeged to you. I never could go 
brown sugar and black tea. Now, Mrs. Worth, afore I go away I 
would like to ax you to take warnin' and be prepared fur next 
Thursda3 r . If you hevn't got your house set iu order it will be 



22 CUEING THE BORROWERS. 

very tenifyin' to you to see the fire and the smoke and the hail- 
stones. 

Mrs. W. Don't be alarmed, Mrs. Blackford. The world will not 
come to an end next Thursday, You or I, or both of us may die 
before that time, and in that way this life may be ended to us, but as 
for the fire and smoke and confusion, which you speak of, we will 
not see that next Thursday. 

Mrs. B. Oh, how terrifyin' it is to hear a woman talk that way. 
And that's just the way it was in the time of Noah. The people 
went on makin feasts and gittin' married and buyin T new dresses and 
making them up with pollynayses onto them, but all at onct the 
winders of heaven was knocked out and the rain begin to fall and the 
hailstones flew around and everybody was swallowed up but them 
that took warnin'. Oh ! it is awful to think of people goin' on in 
this way. But I must go home, fur John will be wantin' his dinner. 
I'll come over to-morrow, mebbe, and talk to you about it. (Exit l. 

Mrs. W. Yes, she'll want some more white sugar and green tea 
and saleratus and pepper to-morrow, and she'll come for them and 
give me some more Second Adventist's talk at the same time. I 
suppose we may as well make up our minds to keep the family until 
next Thursday. 

Enter Billy Worth, l. 

Billy. Mother, I suppose that old hypocritical woman has been 
here talking fire and brimstone again, has she? 

Mrs. W. Yes, Mrs. Blackford has been here, but I think her visit 
was more for the purpose of borrowing groceries than to talk of the 
coming 33mrsday. 

Billy. Well, I'd see her in Halifax before I'd give her any 
more groceries. I don't think it's right to keep a family sitting 
round doing nothing and talking everlastingly about the world 
coming to an end. 

Mrs. W. I am beginning to think so myself. But I suppose we 
will not be troubled with them after next Thurday. 

Billy. You'll be troubled with them as long as they live here if 
you don't set your foot down and say emphatically that they sha'n't 
have anything more. They're a lazy set, and they ought to be cow- 
hided until they'd give up their Advent notions. When next 
Thursday comes and they don't see the fire and smoke and brim- 
stone, they'll appoint another day — they'll say there has been a 
• slight mistake of about two weeks, and they'll continue to borrow 
flour and sugar and tea and coffee and saleratus. Oh ! I'd storj 
this work, I wouldn't be bamboozled and made a fool of by the 
Black fords. 

Mrs. W. I think Mrs. Blackford really believes that the world 
will come to an end next Thursday, and when she and her hus- 
band find that they have been mistaken they will go to work 
again. 



CUBING THE BORROWEBS. 23 



Enter Fannie Blackford, l., carrying a small pilcher. 

Fannie, Mrs. Worth, mother sent ine over to borrow some milk 
to put into our coflee. She says she forgot to ax you fur it when 
she was here. She doesn't want to buy any milk now, fur she 
thinks it wouldn't be any use when the world is coming so near to an 
eud. 

Mrs. W. ( Taking the pitcher. ) Yes, I'll get you the milk. 

(Exit*. 

Billy. You folks are borrowing a good many things these times, 
aren't you ? 

Fannie. Well, there ain't no use in buy in' things now, fur we 
hevn't long to stay. 

Billy. You're going to move away, are you ? 

Fannie. Oh ! you didn't know about it, didn't you ? The world's 
comin' to an eud next Thursday. I thought you folks knowed 
about it. 

Billy. It'll be a mighty good thing if the Blackford's all get 
knocked to th undeletion. 

Fannie. ( Very much shocked.) Oh ! what an awful boy you are. 
It is awful to talk sieh a way at sich a time. Bat I kin tell you, 
Billy Worth, it won't be so bad fur the Blackfords as it will be fur 
some other people that won't take warnin'. The Blackfords will all 
git safe over to the other shore, but I 'spect the Worths will all git 
swallered up in the lire and the smoke. 

Billy. I wonder that good people like the Blackfords will borrow 
sugar and milk and tea and saleratus from awful wicked people like 
the Worths. 

Fannie. You are awful wicked people, but mother says you are 
purty good to lend, and she doesn't want to fall out with you. But 
you'll all git swallered up next Thursday — see if you don't, fur you 
are awful bad. 

Billy. If you were a boy I'd give you a thrashing. 

Fannie. Oh ! you are an awful boy. When I git the milk I'll go 
home and pray fur you. 

Billy. Perhaps you had better run home now before you get the 
milk. 

Enter Mrs. Worth, r., with pitcher of milk. 

Fannie, (Taking Vie pitcher.) Mrs, Worth, Billy is an awful 
wicked boy. He doesn't believe that there will be an awful tear up 
next Thursday. Poor boy ! I feel purt}' sure that I will not meet 
him over on the other shore. 

Billy. I think it will take pretty good swimming for you to get 
there. 

Fannie. I can't stay and talk to you now, but I hope you'll take 
warnin' and git ready. (Exit i* 



24 CURING THE BORROWERS. 



Billy. Mother, this is a new kind of borrowing, isn*t it ? When 
do the Blackfords expect to return the articles they have borrowed? 

Mrs. W, Oh, I suppose they think we will never need them. It 
is, in reality, giving to them ; it isn't lending. 

Billy, Well, I'd stop giving to them. If I wanted to be charita- 
ble I would give to worthy and deserving poor people, and not to the 
lazy Blackfords. (Exeunt r. 



Scene II. — A Yard. 
Mr. Worth and Ma. Blackford discovered. 

Mr. Worth. And you think there will be a final burst up next 
Thursday ? 

Mr. Blackford. I'm sure of it ; there can't be any mistake this 
time. It's bound fur 'till come off. The leaders hev had sich a 
revelation that there's no gittin' over it. I s'pose it's purty terrifyin' 
to some people to think of it, but it isn't terrifyin' to me, fur I hev 
been expectin' it and preparin' fur it. We ought to all git ready to 
go over there. Them that hasn't got prepared hasn't much time now 
but still I reckon they could git ready. I'd like to borrow a coat 
from you, Mr. Worth. 

Mr. W. What do you want a coat for ? You don't need a coat, 
do you ? This is Tuesday. I guess you can run without a coat for 
two days, can't you ? 

Mr. B. My coat's got purty bad, and I want to dress up purty 
well on Thursday mornin'. I think it is the duty of every man to be 
well dressed when the end comes. 

Mr* W. When are you going to return the groceries and other 
articles you have borrowed from me ? 

Mr. B % Oh ! Mr. Worth, don't let your mind dwell on sich little 
things now. Think of what is before you ; think of the terrifyin' 
scenes of next Thursday. What does a few groceries amount to at 
sich a time as this ? 

Mr. W. But if you don't pay your debts and git square with 
your neighbors, don't you think you'll be knocked into smith- 
ereens ? 

Mr. B. Oh ! you talk in sich an unchristian way. And at sich a 
time when the destruction of the world is so near at hand. Oh ! 
it is awful. 

Mr. W. But what's your opinion on this point? Don't you think 
you'll be destroyed and smashed into flinders if you don't pay up and 
get square with the world ? 



CUBING THE BORROWERS. 25 

Mr. B. I hope you don't care fox the few grocesies which I bor- 
rowed. There wasn't any use in goin' to the store and layiu' in a 
whole gob of groceries when we only had a few days to stay. 

Mr. W. John Blackford, I feel very much interested in your 
case. You've been preparing for this occasion for some time, and 
now wouldn't it be dreadful if you should be knocked into the 
bottomless pit merely on account of a few groceries ? 

Mr. B. Oh ! don't talk so perfane and wicked at sich a time. 

Mr. W. Of course I don't care for the groceries, but it would 
be terrible if you should be sent whirling into the bottomless pit 
just because you had failed to return the articles you borrowed. 

Mr. B. I'll pay them all back to you on the other shore. Yes, 
I'll give you more than I borrowed. 

Mr. W. But I am very much afraid you'll never reach the other 
shore if you don't pay up before you start. 

Mr. B. (Moving away.) You are sich a wicked man to talk! 
Oh ! take warnin' and git ready. I s'pose you won't lend me the 
coat ? 

Mr. W. Mr. Blackford, I feel very much concerned about you. 
Here you've been preparing for the end of the world, and you expect 
it in two days, and now you're goiug to get jammed down into the 
bottomless pit, just on account of a few groceries. (Exit Mr. Black- 
ford, l. ) I wonder if that mau does think that the world will come 
to an end on Thursday. Well, I'm decided on one point and that is 
that he can't borrow anything more from me. ( Rat R. 



Scene III —Same as Scene I. 
Mr. and Mrs. Worth and Billy discovered seated. 

Mr. TF". Well, Thursday is past, and this is Friday. I wonder 
how the Blackfords feel now. 

Mrs. W. I think they'll feel like staying in the house for a few 
days. 

Billy. Oh, they'll soon have another day set and they'll commence 
to borrow again 

Mr. W. They can't borrow any more articles at this establishment, 
I'm decided on that. 

Mrs. W. I suppose they will now return what they have bor- 
rowed. 

Mr. W. They will do nothing of the kind, but they will be 
willing to continue borrowing and agree to pay us on the other 
shore. 

Billy. (Looking out of window, l.) The old woman and her 



26 CURING THE BORROWERS. 



daughter are coming now. I suppose the} r waut more white sugar 
and green tea. 

Mr. W. When they come, act strangely — act as though you 
weren't in your right minds ; I'll do the same and we'll give them 
a scare and stop the borrowing business. 

Billy. That's the idea exactly. Oh, I can be awful crazy. 
(Knock at door, l., Billy opens it.) Come in, Mrs. Blackford; 
come in, Fannie. 

Enter Mrs. Blackford and Fannie, l. 

Mrs. TT". Good morning. Take seats. (Mrs. Blackford and 
Fannie sit down. ) The end of the world didn't come yesterday ? 

Mrs. B. No, it didn't come, but it will come yet. We were all 
ready, but it didn't come. The leaders made a little bit of a mis- 
take ; it is to come in three weeks from yesterday. (Billy goes to 
one corner of the room, and tries to stand on Jus head. ) I wanted 
to see if I could borrow a few things from you to-day. (Sees Billy.) 
Goodness ! what's that boy doin' there ? 

(Billy loalks on his hands a) id feet to the door, R , locks it, and 
puts the key hi his pocket, 

Billy. (Speaking slowly.) Now we've got the end of the world 
and the fire and the smoke all shut up in this room. 

Mrs. B. What's the matter with that boy? 

Fanny. He acts like as if he was crazy. 

(Mr. Worth goes to another corner of the room and tries to stand 
on his head. 

Mrs. B. Goodness ! Look at that man. Mrs. Worth, what's the 
meauin' of these doin's? 

Mrs. W. The fire and the smoke and the hailstones have been 
too much for all of us. 

(Mrs. Worth rises and waltzes around the room. 

Mrs. B. I wonder what has come over these people. 

Fannie. I guess we'd better go home. 

Mrs. B. But that wicked Billy has locked the door. 

Mrs. W. Sit down, Mrs. Blackford ; sit down. Fannie, don't be 
alarmed. We have not quite recovered from yesterday's excite- 
ment. 

Mrs. B. Oh, I couldn't sit down, fur I feel somewhat terrified. 

Mr. W. The concert is now about to commence. ( Gets up on a 
chair.) Boys in the gallery, take off your hats. By permission of 
Boot and Cady we will now sing some instrumental music. Order 
in the gallery and also in the boy-lery. (Sings. 

"Bring the good old bugle, boys, we'll sing another song — 
Sing it with that spirit that will start the world along — 
Sing it as we used to sing it fifty thousand strong, 
While we were marching through Georgia. 



CURING THE BORROWERS. 27 

Chorus. Hurrah ! hurrah ! we bring the Jubilee ! 

Hurrah ! hurrah ! the flag that makes you free ! 
So we sang the chorus from Atlanta to the sea, 
While we were marching through Georgia. 

How the darkies shouted when they heard the joyful sound! 
How the turkeys gobbled which our commissary found ! 
How the sweet potatoes even started from the ground, 
While we were marching through Georgia. 

Chorus. — Hurrah! hurrah! &c." 

The concert is now over, and I want to borrow some blue sugar 
and some brown tea, and if you haven't any I'll take some green 
salt. 

(Jumps down and hangs himself over the back of the chair, 
Billy gels up on another chair and barks like a dog. 

Mrs. B. Well, I never seen sich doin's in all my born days. 

Fanny. ( Whimpering. ) Let's go home, 

Mrs. W. (Walking tragically across the stage.) Where is me 
che-ild ? Give me back me che-ihh (Standing behind a chair.) 
You have been informed that the concert is over. This is a mis- 
take. By permission of Higgins and Scruggins I will now pro- 
ceed to sing the "Red, While and Blue." (Sings, 

"Oh, Columbia, the gem of the ocean, 

The home of the Brave and the Free ; 
The Shrine of each Patriot's devotion, 

A World offers Homage to thee ! 
Thy mandates make Heroes assemble, 

When Liberty's form stands in view ; 
Thy banners make tyranny tremble, 

When borne by the Red, White and Blue. 

Chorus. When borne by the Red, White and Blue, • 

When borne by the Red, White and Blue ; 
Thy banners make tyranny tremble, 
When borne by the Red, White and Blue." 

Billy. The next performance will be Shakespeare in fifteen acts. 
This is the first act. (Declaims ) Mr. President : It is natural 
for man to indulge in the illusions of hope. We are apt to shut 
our eyes against a painful truth, and listen to the song of that 
siren till she transforms us into beasts. Is this the part of wise 
men engaged in a great and arduous struggle for liberty ? Are 
we disposed to be of the number of those, who, having eyes, see 
not, and having ears, hear not the things which so nearly con- 
cern their temporal salvation ? For my part, whatever anguish of 
spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth ; to know 
the worst, and to provide for it." 

(Billy gets up on a chair and crows like a rooster. 



28 CURING THE BORROWERS. 

Mis. B. ( Very load.) I ain't a goin' to stay among sick doin's. 
Let me out,-I say. ( Goes to door and tries to open it. 

Mr. W. Hush ! Don't speak so loud, or you'll frighten the end 
of the world and spill the white sugar. ( Going up to her. ) Did 
you say you wanted to borrow some blue tea? How would soma 
red sugar do ? Don't you want a coat for the Jubilee ? Did you 
ever march through Georgia ? Did you ever catch a whale by the 
tail? 

"What is he, whose grief 
Bears such an emphasis ? whose phrase of sorrow 
Conjures the wand'ring stars, and makes them stand 
Like wonder wounded hears ? this is I, 
Hamlet the Dane." 

Mrs. B. Git out of this. Go 'way, (Screams.) Murder ! mur- 
der ! fire ! fire ! 

Mrs. W. Don't make so much noise. It's nothing but the fire 
and the smoke and the hailstones. 

(Takes hold of Mrs. Blackford and endeavors to waltz with 
her. 

3Irs. B. Oh, don't! Oh, my! They're all crazy. (Screams.) 
Murder ! murder ! fire ! fire ! 

Mr. B. (Shouting outside and rattling the door, l.) What's the 
matter ? Let me in ! Let me in, or I'll bust your door. 

Mr. W. Yes, bust the door, and you'll get your head busted. 

(Opens door, seizes Mu. Blackford by the collar, drags him 
in, and then shuts and locks the door. 

Mr. B. What's the meanin' of these doin's ? 

Mr. W. Oh, we've got over to the other shore, that's all, and 
we're having a jollification, 

Mrs. B. John, the excitement has put them all crazy. Can't you 
git us out of this? 

Mr. W. (To Mb. Blackford.) Did you say you wanted to 
borrow a coat? (Strikes an altitude. 

" Let Hercules himself do what he may, 
The cat will mew, and the dog will have his day." 

Mr. B. (To Mrs. Blackford.) I feel a good deal skeered. 
We'd better jump out of the winder or we'll all git killed. 

Mrs. W. ( Speaking as if she had recovered. ) Do sit down, Mrs. 
Blackford ; it has all passed off. 

Mrs. B. Oh, I think we had better go home. I hev a good many 
things to do. Won't you open the door ? I'm all in a fluster. 

Mrs. W. (Openhig the door.) Certainly, I will open the door, 
and I suppose it is better for you to go before we get wild again. 

(Mrs. Blackford and Fannie go out, l. Mr. Blackford 
attempts to follow, but Mb. Worth seizes 1dm by the collar and 
pulls him back. 



CURING THE BORROWERS. 29 

Mr. W. How's this? Would you serve a next door neighbor 
that way ? Would you rush out and go back to the shore you 
came from ? 

Mr. B. Let me out ; I want to go home* 

Mr. W. Aren't you on the other shore now? and isn't that the 
home you've been trying to go to ? 

♦'I could a tale unfold, whose lightest word 
Would harrow up thy soul ; freeze thj young blood ; 
Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres ; 
Thy knotted and combined locks to part, 
And each particular hair to stand on end, 
Like quills upon the fretful porcupine." 

Mr. B. (Trying to get away from Ma. Worth, and speaking very 
loud. ) Let go, I tell you ; you're crazy. Let me go. 

Mr. W. (Still holding him.) Where do you want to go? Do 
you want to go back to the other shore ? Would you run away 
and leave your next door neighbor ? Shame on you. 

Mr. B. Let me go, or I'll hev you arrested. 

Mr. W. What I do they arrest people on this shore, just as 
they did on the other shore? Then I'll have you arrested for eating 
my coffee and tea and sugar and saleratus. 

Mr. B. (Shouting, and trying to release himself . ) Let me go! I 
want to go home. 

Mr. W. Now don't make a noise. 

Billy. Let us get our guns into position and fire on him. 

Mr. B (Shouts.) Oh! they're goiu' to shoot me. Murder! 
Fire ! Mur-d-e-r ! mur-d-e-r ! 

Mr. W. (Releasing him and opening the door.) There, you'd 
better go. We don't want sich a man on our shore. 

(Rut Ma. Blackford, l., hastily. 

Billy. Good bye, Second Adventists. 

Mrs. W. I think we'll not be troubled with them again. 

Mr. W. The borrowers are cured, and as Shakespeare says, "For 
this relief, much thanks." 



Disposition of Characters. 





Billy. 




. Worth. 


c. 


Ma. Worth, 


R. 




l. 



Curtain. 



ANOTHER ARRANGEMENT. 



-: o :- 



CHARACTERS. 

JoBAB FlUEINS. 

Daniel Bpauldino* 

JOSEPHINE CuMMINQi 

Hannah Rainbow. 



COSTUMES. —MODERN. 

PROPERTIES. 
Board fence, or a stump. Pail for Hannah. Two chaim* 



m 



ANOTHER ARRANGEMENT. 



Scene I. — Landscape, 
Jobab Fluktns discovered seated on a board fence or a stump. 

Jobab. (Speaking to Hannah outside.) I reckon yeou'll be done 
milkiu' pnrty soon, won't yeou ? 

Hannah. (Outside.) Yes, I'm jest abeout done neow. 

Jobab. Waal, I want tew talk tew yeou a short spell arter yeon 
git through. I thought I'd come over neow and not wait till arter 
night. 

Enter Hannah, r., with milk pail 

Hannah. Can't yeou come intew the house, Jobab ? 

Job'ib. No, I guess not this evenin', Yeou see I wanted tew tell 
yeou somethin* and I thought I'd hev tew run over. 

Hannah. What is it yeou hev to tell me, Jobab ? 

Job((b, I s'pect it'll startle yeou and mebbe it'll make yeou feel 
kind of tickled too. Mebbe yeou could guess. 

Hannah. (Setting down her pail.) No, I don't think I could 
guess. 

Jobab. S'posin' yeou try. 

Hannah. Waal, then, I guess there's goin' tew be a part}'. 

Jobab. No. 

Hannah. A picnic ? 

133) 



34 ANOTHER ARRANGEMENT. 

Jobab. No. 

Hannah, Waal, then, hev yeou been buyin' a new yoke of 
oxen ? 

Jobab. No. 
Hannah. Nor a horse ? 
Jobab. No ; guess ag'in, 

Hannah. Waal, then, bev yeou got a present fur me ? 
Jobab. No, it isn't that, but I swow, I ought tew be givin* yeou 
somethin'. I thought I would hev give yeou somethin' afore this 
time, but the price of butter has come deown awfully and the beus 
bev e'en a'most quit layin'. I reckon when a feller's ingaged he 
gives his gal a good mauy things ? 
Hannah. Yes. 

Jobab. And we bev been ingaged fnr three weeks and I hevn't 
give yeou anything yet. I declare I feel purty bad abeout it. But 
I'll ketch up ; I'll give yeou lots of things — see if I don't. What 
would yeou like tew hev fur abeout the fust thing? 

Hannah. Oh, Jobab, I don't know. I would be ticked to git 
anything from yeou. 

Jobab. Hokey ! dew yeou railly say so ? I swow, Hannah, I 
hev a notion to give yeou a buss right here in the paster. 

Hannah. Oh, no, Jobab, that would never do ; somebody might 
see yeou. Them Joneses over there is allers a watchin' what's goin' 
on areound here. But come intew the house. 

Job((b. No, I can't go in this evenin\ I'll hev tew be at hum. 
But I'll come over to-morrow evenin', and we'll hev a long talk. 
Hev yeou got purty good health ? 
Hannah. Oh, yes ; tip-top. 

Jobab. Waal, take good keer of yeourself, and we'll git married 
next fall. Won't it be awful nice tew hev yeou jest beside me all the 
time, and livin' in the same house? 

Hannah. I will think it is awful nice tew hev yeou all tew 
myself, Jobab. 

* Jobab. (Coming near to her.) I swow, Hannah, I believe I'll give 
yeou a buss. 

Hannah. Oh, no, Jobab ; it wouldn't dew right eout here in the 
paster. Them Joneses is allers a-lookin' over this way. 

Jobab. Hang them Joneses ! They're allers lookin' round and 
min din' other people's business. Waal, I must be a goin' fur I 
s'pose yeou want tew put the milk away. 

Hannah. But yeou'll come over to-morrow night? 
Jobab. Yes, I'll come to-morrow night. And I'll git the buss 
then, see if I don't. 

Hannah. Oh, Jobab, yeou air sich a nice feller. 

(Taking up the milk pail. 
Jobab. And yeou're a nice gal too. 

Hannah. (Selling down the milk pail.) Oh, Jobab, yeou hev for- 
got ; yeou know yeou had somethin' to tell me. 



ANOTHER ARRANGEMENT. 35 

Jobab. Oh, yes, I did come pnrty nigh forgettin'. Waal, yeou 
cau't guess, can't yeou ? 

Hannah. No. I can't guess. Yeou know I tried several times. 
What is it, Jobab ? 

Jobab. Waal, I'll tell yeou. I kin write po'try. 

Hannah. Yeou don't say so ! Ob, beow glad I am ! Wben did 
yeou git commenced ? 

Jobab. I jest got commenced to-day. Yeou see I was sittin' 
thin kin' abeout yeou wben all to onct 1 got to makiu' rhymes, kinder 
in my bead, yeou know. Then I went and got some paper and 
a pen and I writ some of 'em deowu. 

Hannah. Ob, I'm so glad. Neow yeou kin write some po'try to 
me and put at the top "To Hannah." 

Jobab. Yes, I'm goiu tew dew that the fust thing. I'll put in my 
best licks and make it purty good. 

Hannah. I reckon yeou kin write po'try fur the papers neow 
too. 

Jobab. Yes, I'm kalkilatin' tew dew that. I kin write a he p 
better po'try than some I see in the papers. Some of the po'try we 
read in the papers now-a-days ain't of much acceount. 

Hannah. Could yeou say some of yeour po'try neow, so I kin hear 
what yeou bev been doin' ? 

Jobab. Yes, I s'pose I might. Here's some which I hev been 
thinkin' up. 

I love to sit upon a chair 
And think and think while sittin' there ; 
I love my Hannah purty strong, 
And wish to her I did belong. 

I sometimes sit upon a stump, 
And sometimes off I fall kerflump. 
Sich was the case the other day 
When I was out a makin' hay. 

While livin' here we never know 
About our lives and bow they'll go ; 
We never know two days ahead 
How soon we'll be laid sick in bed. 

We never know how soon we'll die, 
And go away and try to fly ; 
We travel on jest like a toad, 
Or like a horse goes down a road. 

This is some which I hev thought up, but I kin do better'n 
that when 1 sit deown and lay myself right eout tew the busi- 
ness. 

Hannah. Ob, that is splendid! Yeou kin be a great man, neow, 
Jobab, and I shill be so ticked abeout it. 



3G ANOTHER ARRANGEMENT. 

Jobab. I must go neow. I'll write a piece of po'try tew yeou 
party soon. I swow I wish I could give yeou a buss afore I go. 

Hannah. Yeou might give me one, Jobab, if it wasn't far them 
Joneses, but they're a watchin' everything. But yeou're comin' over 
to-morrow night ? 

Jobab. Yes, I'll come to-morrow night. Good evening'. ( Walk- 
ing away.) 

And while we live we jump and sing, 

And go along like everything. 

We feel so good we hardly know 

Jest how we sing or how we go. (Exit L. 

Hannah, Jobab's a purty nice feller, but I think he ought to hev 
give me somethin' afore this time. I'm tickled abeout his writin' 
po'try. That's a purty big thing these days. Waal, Jobab and me 
will git married next fall and he'll keep on writin' po'try and gittin' 
his name iutew the papers, and mebbe he'll go tew Congress some 
day. Yes, things might keep goin' on till Jobab might git tew be 
President of these United States some day. Then if I am Jobab's 
wife, of course I'll be the President's wife. Oh ! wouldn't that be 
grand and astonishin'? And wouldn't Josephine Cummins and 
Lucy Hopkins and the rest of the gals wish they was in my place? 
I don't jest altogether like Jobab in every partic'lar. I think I'd like 
him better if he'd quit farmin' and plowin' and diggin' areound and 
go aud live in some town or some place and keep a store. I believe 
I'm too smart a gal tew live here ail my life and dew nothin' but cook 
aud milk cows and churn and dew sich things. But I hev told 
Jobab that I would marry him and I s'pose I'll hev tew stick tew my 
word if nobody else comes along and axes me, I reckon it wouldn't 
be any harm tew break the ingagement if I found eout that I could 
dew better. But I might dew wuss inste'd of better, fur Jobab has 
got so he kin write po'try. ( Takes up milk pail. ) Waal, I spose I'd 
better put the milk away. (Looks off r.) I declare there's Dan 
Spaulding a comin'. I wonder what he's comin' here fur neow. But 
I s'pose he don't know I'm ingaged tew Jobab. He's a purty good 
lookin' feller. (Sets down milk pail. 

Enter Daniel Spaulding, r. 

Daniel. Good evenin', Hannah. 
Hannah. Good evenin' to yeou. 
Daniel. This is a purty evenin'. 
Hannah. Yes it is so. 

Daniel. I hevn't seen yeou fur a good spell. 
Hannah. No, I guess not. 
Daniel. You wasn't out at meetin' last Sunday. 
Hannah. No, I couldn't go, fur I had an awful bad toothache. 
Daniel. Had the toothache, had yeou? Oh, it's terrible to hev 
the toothache. 



ANOTHER ARRANGEMENT. 37 

Hannah, Yes, I think it is. Won't yeou come intew the house? 

Daniel, Oh, no, I hain't got time. I want tew talk tew yeou 
abeout some things. 

Hannah, Waal, I'm ready tew listen. 

Daniel. I s'pose — I s'pose yeou know— that is, I s'pose yeou know 
that I think a heap of yeou ? 

Hannah, No, I didn't know. I s'posed yeou liked me a little, but 
I reckoned that was all. 

Daniel Oh, I like yeou awful hard. 

Hannah, Why I heerd yeou was ingaged tew Josephine Cum- 
mins. 

Daniel, I am too. I'll jest tell yeou all abeout it. I axed her to 
marry, and she said she would, but I hev begun tew think that I 
don't like her near well enough to marry her. I^d a heap rather hev 
yeou. 

Hannah. Oh, Daniel, yeou don't say so ! But Fin ingaged too. 
I'm ingaged tew Jobab Flukins. 

Daniel. Oh, what a sad affair ! I believe we was cut out fur each 
other. But if yeou're agreed we kin break the iugagements. 

Hannah. Wouldn't that be doin' wrong ? 

Daniel. Oh, not at all — not a bit of it. It is a great deal better 
fur us to back out neow than to back out after we hev got married. 

Hannah. I like yeou purty well, Daniel, but I don't think I kin 
give up Jobab neow, fur he has tuck to writin' po'try. 

Daniel Oh, that's nothin' ; anybody kin write po'try. 

Hannah. Kin yeou ? 

Daniel. Yes ; I've been writin' po'try fur several years. 

Hanhalu Let me hear yeou say some of yeour po'try. 

Daniel Here goes : 

1 ■ Twinkle, twinkle, little star, 
How I wonder what you are, 
Up above the world so high, 
Like a diamond in the sky." 

Hannah, Oh, that's tip-top po'try ; I believe it's better'n Jobab's. 
Daniel. Jobab can't write po'try. He hain't got no talent that 
way, at all. Don't yeou want tew hear somethin' more from me ? 
Hannah, Yes, I could listen all day tew sich po'try. 

Daniel u When the blazing sun is set, 

And the grass with dew is wet, 
Then you show your little light, 
Twinkle, twinkle all the night." 

Now I'll say some other po'try of a different kind. 

11 There was a man in our town, 
He wasn't very wise, 



38 ANOTHER ARRANGEMENT. 



He jumped into a bramble bush 
And scratched out both his eyes. 

And when he saw his eyes were out, 
With all his might and main 

He jumped into another bush 
And scratched them in again." 

Hannah. Oh, that is so good and enlivenin\ If yeou would keep 
on writin' po'try don't yeou think yeou could git tew be a great 
man? 

Daniel Certainly I could. I guess I could git tew be a great 
man if I would just say the word. I hev been axed to run fur the 
Legislature. 

Hannah. Oh, hev yeou? "When a man goes to the Legislature 
he is likely tew keep on goin' till he gits tew be President, isn't 
he? 

Daniel. Of course. I think I could be a great man if I'd try a 
little. 

Hannah. Oh, yes, yeou could when yeou kin write sich po'try. 

Daniel. Well, Hannah, I can't stay very long. What do you say 
about marryin' me? 

Hannah. I guess I'll hev yeou, Daniel. Yeou kin write better 
po'try than Jobab, and I think yeou'll be a greater man. I reckon it 
won't be no sin tew break the ingagement. 

DonieU No, of course not. 

Hannah. Waal, I'll tell Jobab abeout it to-morrow evenin' when 
he comes over. 

Daniel. And I'll go and tell Josephine. 

Hannah. I reckon she'll take on a good deal abeout it. 

Daniel. No, I guess not, and anyheow I don't care much. If we 
like each other purty well we needn't care fur Josephine. Hannah, 
I'd like to hev a buss afore I go. 

Hannah. I'd be willin', but it would never dew eout here in the 
paster, far them Joneses would be sure tew see us. They're allers 
lookin' over this way. 

Daniel. Well, I'll come to see yeou to-morrow night. 

Hannah. No, not to-morrow night, fur yeou know Jobab's 
comin'. 

Daniel. Then I'll come the next night. 

Hannah. Yes, that'll dew. I'll give Jobab his walkin' papers to- 
morrow night. 

Daniel. Good evenin', Hannah. 

Hannah. Good evenin' tew yeou. (Exit Daniel Spaulding, r.) 
Waal, I guess I'd better pick up my milk and go on or I'll not git it 
strained to-night (Exit Hannah Rainbow, with milk pail, l. 



ANOTHER ARRANGEMENT. °* 

Scene II. — A Boom. 
Jobab Flueins and Josephine Cummins discovered seated. 

Jobab. Yeou don't keer nothin' abeout me, dew yeou, Josephine ? 

Josephine. No. 

Jobab. And I don't keer nothin' abeout yeou. 

Josephine. No, I s'pose not. 

Jobab. But I've been thinkin' that we ought tew act as if we was 
liliiu" each other awful strong. 

Josephine. What would we do that fur ? 

Jobab. 'Cause, yeou see, yeour feller has kinder left yeou and my 
gal has kinder left me. 

Josephine. I don't care fur Daniel ; he kin go. I ain't agoin' to 
try to git him back, fur I don't run after no man. 

Jobab. But couldn't yeou help me rekiver the love of Hannah ? 

Josephine. Yes, I kin do that But if I was in your place I 
wouldn't run after her ; I'd let her go. 

Jobab. But I've got the likin's fur her awful strong. I can't give 
her up. 

Josephine. Well, how can I assist you ? 

Jobab. We'll purtend tew like each other an awful heap the next 
time we air in their presence. Yeou kin make a big fuss over me 
and I kin make a big fuss over yeou, and mebbe Hannah will 
think I'm a purty slick feller when yeou air shinin' up tew me. 

Josephine. Well, I'll do as you wish fur the sake of bringin' 
Hannah back to you, but I'm sure I don't care nothin' fur 
Daniel. 

Jobab. We might sorter hitch up our chairs and purtend tew 
court a leetle jest tew kinder git intew the way of it. 

Josephine. I hev no objections. 

( They place their chairs near each oiher, and Jobab puts his arm 
around Josephine. 

Jobab. We hev been livin' purty nigh tew each other all our lives, 
but I guess we never courted any afore this time, did we ? 

Josephine. No, I believe not. 

Jobab. Waal, you're a purty nice gal, and it's sorter strange that I 
never diskivered it. 

Josephine. And I think you are a purty nice man, Jobab. 

Jobab. Neow, railly, dew yeou ? 

Josephine. Indeed I do, and I think Hannah Rainbow was a 
purty big fool to turn away from you and take up with Dan 
Spaulding. 

Jobab. Oh, well, I guess she kin hev Dan Spauldin' ; I don't 
know as I keer anythin' abeout her neow. 



4:0 ANOTHER ARRANGEMENT. 



Josephine. That's the way I would feel if I was in" your place* 
I would let her go. Sich people as Dan Spaulding and Hannab 
Rainbow hevn't any honor. 

Jobub. That's jest the way I think. Neow, Josepliine, s'posin' we 
git married ? 

Josephine. Oh, Jobab, are you in earnest ? 

Jobab. Yes, in rail deown airnest. 

Josephine. (Leaning against Jobab.) Oh, let me think a mo- 
ment. 

Jobab' No, don't take time tew think, but say it right eout 
suddenly. Yeou're a heap nicer gal than Hannah, and I like yeou a 
heap better. What dew yeou say ? Will yeou hev me? 

Josephine. Yes, Jobab, I will ; I am yours. 

Jobab. Hurrah fur Jerusalem and the North Pole ! Neow we'll 
hev a buss. (He kisses her. 

Enter Hannah Rainbow and Daniel Spaulding at back. 

Daniel. Hold ! 

Hannah. Stop ! (Josephine and Jobab spring up. 

Daniel. Josephine, how dore yeou kiss that man ? 

Hannah. Jobab, how dare yaou kiss that woman ? 

Josephine. Dan Spaulding, I guess I kin kiss anybody I please 
now, so you'd better shut your head. We've made " Another Ar- 
rangement." 

Jobab. And I kin say the same tew yeou, Hannah Rainbow. 
Yeou hain't got nothin' tew dew with me. We've inada "Another 
Arrangement." 

Hannah. Oh, Jobab, forgive me! ( Commences to cry.) Boo 
hoo j boo hoo ! 

Jobab. I don't want tew hev nothinj tew dew with yeou. 

Hannah. It was all a mistake. Boo hoo ! I don't want Daniel, 
and he can't write po'try. Boo hoo ! 

Jobab. Waal, yeou give me my walkin' ticket, and if I was yeou 
I'd be a man and not come boo hooin' areound here. 

Daniel. Josephine, it was all a mistake. Won't you take me 
back ? 

Josephine. No, sir. You hev no honor, and I don't want to hev 
anything to say to you. 
• Daniel. Well, I s'pose I kin git somebody else. 

Josephine. When you go to hunt up another gal tell everybody 
what a gentleman you are and how honorably you hev acted with 
me. (Exit Daniel, r. 

Hannah. Oh, boo hoo! I s'pose I'll hev tew go, and I s'pose 
I'll go mournin' all the days of my life. Oh, I wish I hadn't acted so 
bad with Jobab, fur he kin write sich good po'try. Boo hoo ! b-o-o 
h-o-o ! (Exit R. 

Josephine. We kin be happy now, can't we, Jobab? 



ANOTHER ARRANGEMENT. 41 

Jobab. Yes, as happy as tbe day's long. Hannah thought she'd 
kerflop me, but I kalkilate she's got kerflopped herself. Dan thought 
he'd hurt your feelin's, but I hev an idee he feels purty bad squashed 
himself abeout this time. I declare I feel so good I think I could 
make a varse of po'try right on the spot. ( To audience. 

Thus in this life we chase a thing, 
And go along and jump and sing ; 
But oft, alas ! we stub our toe, 
We git kerflopped and down we go. 



Curtain. 



A SCENE 

W THE BOBTOWff SCHOOL. 

IN ONE SCENE. 



(43) 



A SCENE IN THE BOBTOWN SCHOOL. 



-: o :- 



CHARACTERS. 

G Washington Wash, Teacher, 

Andy Allen, 1 

Bilt Biiown, 

Charley Cobb, 

Dave Dean, 

Elwood Eldeb, 

Frank Fogg, 

Geobge Gray, 

Henry Hope, 



- Pupils. 



COSTUMES.— MODERN. 

PROPERTIES. 
Desks, benches, books, slates, school furniture, &c. Brocm. 



(44) 



A SCENE 



IN THE BOBTOWN SCHOOL. 



Scene. — A School-Room. ■ 
All the Characters discovered seated except the Teacher. 

Teacher. ( Addressing the school. ) Boj T s and gals, no it's jest 
boys. I don't know why there ain't no gals here to-daj r , but I 
s'pect it's because it's the first day, I s'pose. Then, boys and gals, 
or rather boys without the gals, I come before you to-day fur the 
purpose of bein' your master, and also fur the purpose of doin' all 
the whippin' or thrashin' which may be necessary. I ain't one of 
them as believes much in thrashin', yet I am one that kin lay on 
heavy if the necessity of the case demands it. I hev been a school- 
master fur up'ards of a good spell and I firmly believe that I kin 
teach school anywhere. School teachin' requires a good deal of 
science and scientific composition. Some schools needs a great deal 
of thrashin' while other schools needs sca'cely any thrashin'. The 
last school which I was the master in was the Frog Holler school, 
and they required a vast amount of thrashin' there. Indeed, the 
thrashin' was so extensive there that it amounted to lickin'. I hev 
been informed that I would hev to do consid'able lickin' if I cum to 
this school-house fur the purpose of bein' the master. I shill feel 

145) 



46 A SCENE IN THE BOBTOWN SCHOOL, 

vexed and sbill repret it sorely if sich drill be the case, yet it ought 
to be understood at the first that I am a good hand at performm* 
lickin's and I shill stand ready to perform my dut} r as an upright 
American citizen. When a man takes hold of a school fur the pur- 
pose of bein 1 its teacher he is firmly and substantially bound to do 
the thrashin' cud obliterate all the rumpuses which may arise. If he 
can't do this he should immediately give up .his school and go to 
work in other fields and pasters. As I said before, I hev been 
teachin' fur up'ards of a good spell and I understand the business 
je.st as well as it kin be understood. I know how to attend to the 
larnin' and I know how to attend to the thrashin', and you may feel 
sure that I sbill do my duty as an upright American citizen. But 
what meant them rumors which did come to my ears, sayin' that this 
was a bad school and that I would hev a vast amount of thrashin' to 
do if I should come here fur the purpose of bein' the master of this 
"Bobtown School?'' When I stand here and gaze upon you and 
look into your eyes and see your noses I think and purty near feel 
sure that you are not a bad set of boys. The question often arises in 
my mind what is the use of boys bein' bad and noxious ? I kin git 
no answer to the said question, fur I kin see no reason why they 
should be bad. Now, boys, 1 would ax you not to be bad and 
noxious while I am remainin' among you. Of course, as I said be- 
fore, I stand ready to do the thrashin' if it shill revolve upon me. I . 
want to be a faithful American citizen while I am keepin' school, but 
still I hope there will be no cause fur thrashin'. Kin we not git 
along without thrashin' ? 

Andy. I don't think we kin. 

Teacher. What ? How's this ? Has any of you dared to speak up 
while I was makin' a speech ? W r ho was it spoke up ? (No reply. ) 
I want to know who it was that spoke up. (No reply.) I was 
speakin' so earnestly that I didn't notice who it was that spoke. 
Howsomdever it ain't any difference. If you feel like answerin' 
some of the questions which I so often put into rny speeches I s'pose 
I shouldn't say nothin'. You may jest go on and answer, if I un- 
wittin'ly ax any more questions. I somehow hev got into the way of 
axin' a good many questions when I am makin' a speech. This, I 
s'pose, is the best way, fur a good many big speakers and also 
large orators do the same when they are speakin'. 1 hev a good many 
things which I might say to you before I commence teachin'. 
I might say to you that if you want to become great men and great 
women 

Bill. I don't want to be a woman. 

Teacher, There ! I am interrupted ag'in, but I believe I shill let 
it pass and say nothin' about it. I sorter like to be interrupted, fur 
it shows that the boys before me hev interruptedness and also imper- 
tinacity. But as I was goin' to say, if you want to become big and 
great and celebrated you should be good boys when you are goin' to 
school. You should not act so as to be in danger of gittin' a 



A SCENE IN THE BOBTOWN SCHOOL. 47 

thrashin'. I could raise my finger and p'int back into the past ages 
and show you some men which got to be big and great and celebrated 
and as fur as history and Josephus instructs us on these p'ints they 
were first-rate, tip-top boys while they were goin' to school. 

Charley, Point them out, mister. 

Teacher. I don't know as it is altogether proper and parliamenti- 
tery fur me to be interrupted so often. But still when I come to 
think of it I don't C:ire much, fur it shows that these boys of the 
"Bobtown School" hev inquiiin' minds. Now, boys of this "Bob- 
town School," I want to ax you kindly and expectorantly to be good 
boys while I am stayiu' here among you and teachiu' this here 
school. There ain't no use in bein' bad boys, fur bad boys come 
to want and poverty and good boys don't never come to nothin' of 
the kind. Now in the first place it will be almost exceedingly neces- 
sary fur you all to hev books if you come to the school. I hev been 
the schoolmaster in school-houses where the boys and gals were 
almost destitute of books, and when sich is the case the aforesaid 
boys and gals don't often Tarn to any great cousid'able extent. I 
also want to say to you that I would be very much obleeged if you 
would all keep your sittin's when you sit down. It isn't considered 
jest right to hev boys trampin' all over the school-house at all hours 
of the day, and goiu' from one part of the school-house to another 
part of the school-house in a confusin' and terrifyin' manner. I 
believe I'd rather not hev sich doiu's in this Bobtown school-house. 
But now I shill elose my speech and sit down, and we will commence 
to do somethin' in the way of openin' this school and commencin' to 
teach. (Sits down.) You boy over there with a red head, (nodding 
to Dave Dean) what's your name ? 

Dave' My name's Dave Dean. 

Ehcood. Dave Dean 

Swallowed a bean. 

Teacher. I see we hev one boy who kin make po'try. The "Bob- 
town School " should feel rejoiced because this is the case. 
Dave. I kin make as good po'try as that. Just listen : 

Frank Fogg 
Killed a hog. 
George Grvy 
Ran away, 
Henry Hope 
Stole a rope. 

Teacher. It is wonderful how some people kin make po'try. But, 
I believe we needn't hev any more of it now. We had better git to 
doin' somethin' or we won't git the school opened to-day. All of you 
which has beeu in the cipherin' class come out, and I will ax you 
a few questions. (Andy Allen, Bill Bbown, Chabley Cobb, Dave 



48 A SCENE IN THE B0BT0WN SCHOOL. 

Dean and Elwood Elder come out and stand in a line.) I s'pose 
you all know somethin' about cipherin' ? 

Andy. Yes, we know a heap. 

Teacher. I will ax you a few questions. (Taking up a book.) 
That is, I will ax you a few questions which you must cipher out in 
your heads. This is a new kind of cipherin' and it takes a feller to 
know somethin' about scientifics to be able to do it. Here is a ques- 
tion which I shill ax you. "What will six pounds of mutton cost at 
seven cents a pound ? The boy at the top of the class may cipher 
that out. 

Andy. That's an easy question and doesn't need much cipherin'. 
Let me see. Six pounds of mutton at seven cents a pound would 
come to about forty-two cents. 

Bill. Mister, I don't know what mutton is. 

Teacher. Don't know what mutton is ? Why I had an idee that 
the scholars of this "Bobtown School" was well l'arnt. Next boy, 
there, do you know what mutton is ? 

Charley. 'Deed I don't. I never heerd of sich a thing. 

Teacher. Is it possible that the scholars of this here "Bobtown 
School" doesn't know what mutton is? Next boy there, don v t you 
know what mutton is ? 

Dave. I guess it's another name fur apple butter. 

Teacher. (Laughs ) Ho, ho! Sich a lot of boys! And don't 
you really know what mutton is ? Next boy, there, don't you know 
what mutton is ? 

Elwood. I used to know but I forgit. 

Teacher. Well, this must be a sligdoramus of a school. I had 
been told that this here "Bobtown School" was an awful smart 
school, but not one in this cipherin' class kin tell me what mutton 
is. Well, I shill perceed to ax another question. 

Bill Master, afore you go any furder I'd like you'd tell us what 
mutton is. 

Teacher. Pooh ! you wouldn't want me to tell you sich a thing as 
that. 

Charley. Deed we'd like to know, fur I never heerd tell of sich a 
thing. 

Dave. Oh, yes, master, we want to know what it is. Allers 
afore when we had masters they'd tell us things which we didn' 
know. 

Teacher. Oh, I don't want to take up time tellin' you sich little 
things. I had an idee that the scholars of this "Bobtown School" 
was well 1'arnt. 

Elwood. Yes, sir, we want to know what mutton is. 

Bill, Charley and Dave. ( Together. ) Yes, we want to know. 

Teacher. Well, if I hev to take up my time tellin' sich little 
things I will perceed to do so. Mutton is a vegetable which grows 
on some of the islands out in the sea somewheres. Now I hev told 
you, and you kin say that you have Tamed somethin' on the first 



A BCENE IN THE BOBTOWN SCHOOL. 49 



day of school. But the printer which prints these books ought to 
explain sich things in his books so that all boys and gals could un- 
derstand the readin'. 

Qeorge. (Aside. J What a teacher 1 

Teacher. We will now perceed to go on with the cipherin' class. 
Here is another question. (Reads.) If two apples cost four cents, 
how much will three apples cost ? You boy there with the red head 
may answer that. 

Dave. If two apples cost four cents how much will three apples 
cost? Well, I s'pose it Would be about twelve cents, because four 
threes is twelve. 

Teacher. Yes, that's right. You Bobtown boys is purty smart 
after all. 

George. (Aside. J What a teacher ! 

Teacher. Now we'll hev one more question in the cipherin' class. 
(Reads. ) If two pears cost eight ceuts, how much will five pears 
cost. The next boy below the red headed boy may cipher that 
out. 

Eltcood. Let me see. Five two's is ten. Yes, that's it ; two 
pears is eight cents, then five pears will be five times two. Five 
times two is ten. Yes, that's the answer. I kin rattle off them 
questions purty fast. 

Teacher. Yes, you are a purty smart bo} T . I had heerd a good 
deal about this '* Bobtown School" and I was expectiu to see some 
purty smart boys. 

Frank. (Aside ) And I guess you'll see 'em purty soon. 

Teacher. The rest of you boys may come up here now and we'll 
hev a sort of a geography class. (Frank Fogg, George Guay and 
Henry Hope come out and stand in the class.) I s'pose some of you 
know somethin' about geography ? 

Andy. Oh, yes, we know a good deal about jograprry. 

TeacJier. I don't know none of your names, so I'll commence 
at the top and take you by numbers. First boy, up there, what's 
your name ? 

Andy. My name's Andy Allen, but I'm mostly called Sock- 
dolager. 

TeacJter. Well, I s'pose we'd better call you Andy. I reckon 
you wouldn't want to be called Sockdolager in the school-house ? 

Andy. Oh, I ain't partic'lar. 

Teacher. Well, fur the present we'll call you Number One. Next 
boy, what's your name ? 

Bill. My name's Bill Brown, ginerally speakin'. 

Teacher. Well, we'll call you Number Two till we git things 
straightened up. 

BUI. Git things straightened up purty quick then, fur I don't like 
that kind of a name. 

Teacher. You oughtn't to talk back to your master, still I s'pose 



50 A SCENE IN THE BOBTOWN SCHOOL, 

it doesn't make any difference when we are jest gittiii' the school 
started. 

Bill. Oh, no ; it doesn't make any difference. 

Teacher. No, I s'pose it doesn't. 

Bill. Oh, no, not at all. 

Teacher. Bill, you oughtn't to talk too much. A good many 
boys in this world talk too much and they are purty sure to come 
to some bad end. 

Bill. They're big fools to come to a bad end when they jest 
might as well come to a, good end. 

Teacher. I believe I hevn't anything more to say to you, 
Bill. 

Bill. Oh, let's talk a spell and sorter git acquainted. 

Teacher. Bill, you're Number Two. 1 must hurry up or we'll not 
git our school started to-day. 

Bill. S'posin' we give it up fur to-day and start it to-mor- 
row. 

Teacher. I feel afeared that I'll hev to do some thrashin' in this 
school. And it would make me shudder to git at to do some 
thrashin' so soon. 

Bill If it would make you feel bad I wouldn't do it nohow. 

Teacher. I must hurry along with this class. Next boy, what's 
your number ? 

Charley. I s'pose I'm Number Three. 

Teacher. Next boy, what number are you ? 

Dave. Number Four. 

Teacher. Go on with your numberin' on down to the foot. 

Elwood. Number Five. 

Frank. Number Six. 

George. Number Seven. 

Harry. Number Eight. 

Teacher. I will now perceed to ax you some questions in geogra- 
phy. ( Opening a book. J Number One, I want to ax you a ques- 
tion, 

Andy. All right ; go ahead. 

Teacher. What is a mountain ? 

Andy. Let me see. I used to know what a mountain was. Now 
I hev it. A mountain is a vast pile of dirt hove up on a level 
place. 

Teacher. That's right, Number One. Now, Number Two, kin 
you tell me the names of some of the most distinguished and influ- 
ential mountains? 

Bill. Yes, I kin do that. There's Lookout mountain and Turn- 
over mountain and Peter Bottle's mountain, and Mount Washington 
•end Mount Jefferson and Mount William Henry Harrison and Mount 
John Quincy Adams and Mount James K Polk and the Black Hills 
and Pike's Peak and Philadelphy and New York and Cincinnati and 



A SCENE IN THE B0BT0WN SCHOOL. 51 



Boston and Madagascar and the Straits of Magellan and San Fran- 
cisco and Turtletown and Bulger and 

Teacher. That'll do, my boy. We don't want you to tell all you 
know jest on the first day of school. Mebbe you've told all you know 
now. 

Bill. Oh, no ; I know heaps of things. 

Teacher. You kin tell me some more to-morrow. Now we'll pass 
on to the next boy which is Number Three. Number Three, what is 
an island ? 

Charley. It is a chunk of land which has got loose and slid out 
into the ocean. 

Teacher. That's right, but still it isn't jest what the book saj's. 
I ain't one of them teachers though, which goes accordin' to the book 
all the time. A teacher which does that ain't of much account. A 
boy which kin use his own talk in answerin' questions, instead of 
usin' the talk of the book shows that he has got some pluck and 
animosity about him. I would jest say here that I would prefer that 
you would use your own talk on all occasions. Number Four, kin 
you tell me what a volcano is ? 

Dave. Yes, siree. A volcano is a mountain which busts up and 
breaks loose. My, oh, but I'd hate to be around when one of 'em 
busts out that way. 

Teacher. If you was on top of a volcano when it broke forth, 
couldn't you run and git out of the way ? 

Dave. Git out of the way? Well, I guess you couldn't. JSfo 9 
sir-eet When them things commence to go, the} 7 go in a hurry. I'd 
like to see you gittin' out of the way. 

Teacher. I am glad you hev sich a power of language and kin talk 
so well. As I said before, it is a great deal better to do your own 
talkin' than to talk as it is in the book. 

Dave. Uncle John says I'm a purty good talker. 
Teacher. Yes, you'll do purty well, 
Dave. Yes, I think I'll do purty well. 

Teacher. But there is sich a thing as a boy talkin' too much. 
Dave. Yes, I know there is sich a thing as a boy talkin' too much, 
but I'm not one of that kind. No, sir. 

Teacher. ( Yawning. ) I shill perceed with the geography lesson. 
Number Five, kin you bound the State of Virgiimy ? 

Elwood. Yes, I kin bound the State of Yirginnv, or any other 
state. Yirginny is bounded on the North by the tropic of Snapyour- 
com, on the East by the rock of Gibralter and the Gulf of Mexico, 
on the South by the straits of Timbnctoo and the Golden Gate and 
on the West by Pike's Teak and Morrison's HilL 

Teacher. (Drowsily. ) Next boy, bound— next State. 
Frank. Next State. I s'pose that's Pemisylvany. Well, I s'pose 
I might go at it recklessly jest as that other chap did. (Speaks in a 
sing-song tone.) Penns jlvany is bounded on the North — Peunsyl- 



52 A SCENE IN THE BOBTOWN SCHOOL. 

vany is bounded on the North — Pennsylvany is bounded on the 
North — (Teuehet' goes to sleep) — I'm jest thinkin' about Pennsylvany. 
Pennsylvany is a big State and she is bounded on the North by the 
cape of Cap* Horn and the Cape of Good Hope, she is bounded on 
the East by Nova Scotia and the Canuibawl Islands, she is bounded 
on the South by Greenland's icy mountains, and she is bounded 
on the West by — I really don't know what she is bounded on the 
West by, but I s'pose it doesn't make any difference, fur I think the 
old chap is sound asleep. Now, boys, don't git to cuttin' up too 
high all at once ; let him git purty sound asleep and then we kin hev 
some of the tallest kind of fun. I'll keep talkin' away in this hum- 
min' sort of a tone so as to sing him to sleep. Some fellers kin 
bound a state better'n other fellers. I reckon I kin bound Pennsyl- 
vaiiy jest about as well as anybody. (Some of Vie boys sit down and 
oUters step out of the class.) I guess you fellers hadn't better git 
too fur away fur the master might wake and make a rumpus. 
This is a purty nice day but I i*eckon it will rain afore many 
days. (Teacher moves slightly — The boys resume their places and 
Fkakk commences again to bound Pennsylvania. ) Pennsylvany is 
bounded on the North by some water and some laud, on the East 
by Yucatan, on the South by some more water, and on the West — ■ 
but it doesn't make any difference fur the West fur the old feller's 
gone asleep again. I wonder what's the cause of the master bein' so 
sleepy. 

Henry. I 'spect he's been visitin' his gal last night. 
Andy. If he doesn't wake up purty soon he won't hear much of 
the jography class. 

Bill. Accordin' to the way I look at the matter he won't lose 
much jograph} 7 , fur there isn't much goin' on. 

(Some of the boys sit down, 
Charley. Let's go out and play ball. 

Dave. ' Oh, no, let's ^tay here and see how scared the master will 
be when he wakes up. 

Elwood. Frank, I guess you'd better go on with your hunmiin 7 
sound so as to keep the old feller sleepin'. 

Frank. Well, I kin do the hummin'. Pennsylvany is bounded 
on the North by a row of rambo apple trees, on the East she is 
bounded by the green mountain boys, on the South she is bounded 
by the battle of Cowpens, and the battle of Brandy wine, and on the 
West she is bounded by the Ozark mountains. (Sings in a low 
tone.) — 

" When Johnny comes marching home again, hurrah, hurrah ! 
We'll give him a hearty welcome then, hurrah, hurrah ! 

The men will cheer, the boys will shout ! 

The ladies they will all turn out, 
And we'll all feel gay, 

When Johnny comes marching home," 



k SCENE IN THE BOBTOWN SCHOOL. 53 

I guess I might go on and speak a speech. Feller citizens, big 
boys aud little boys, I stand before you to-day fur the purpose of 
makin' a speech. There's a heap of things which I might speak 
about, but I don't want to speak very loud, fur tho master, who 
sits there a snoozin' might open his eyes and jump up and 
give me a wallopiu'. Feller citizens, I think we hev a good 
master. We don't often hev a master which will sit down and 
take a sleep the first day of school. Let us be good to this 
master, fur sich a one may not come along ag'in fur a consid'- 
able long spell. ( Teacher moves. 

Charley. Hush ! The master's wakin' up. 

(The boj/s all spring to their places and F rank commences to 
bound Pennsylvania. 

Frank. Pennsylvany is bounded on the North by Washington 
count}-, on the East by Mrs. Grundy, on the South by the Halls of 
the Montezumas, and on the West by the Choctow Indians. The 
master's asleep ag'in. Isn't he a good sleeper. Mebbe he's only 
actin the possum. 

Dave. Gracious sakes ! if he's actin' the possum won't you ketch 
a lickin'. 

Frank, No ; what would I ketch a lickin' fur? Hevn't I been 
boundin' away jest as hard as I could? It would be very unreasona- 
able fur him to give me a lickin'. 

George. Let us turn this into a spelling class. 

Andy. Who'll be teacher? 

C'uarley. I'll be teacher. 

Fra)ik. I'll be teacher. No, I guess I'd better go on with my 
boundin'. Pennsylvany is bounded on the North 

Dive. Oh, dry up we've had enough jography from you. 

Frank. Well, you see, I was sayin' jography when the master 
went to sleep and I reckon I'd better be sayin' it when he wakins 
up. 

Dave. Give him a poke in the ribs and rouse him. We can't pay 
him fur teachiu' if he sleeps half the time. 

Frank. I guess I won't do the pokin', I'm too nervous fur that 
kind of business. 

D tve. I'll go and get a brush out of the broom and tickle his 
nose. 

Frank. That's jest the thing. 

(Dave goes to comer of the room, pidls a brush out of the broom 
a)id returns. 

Dive. This will git him aroused. 

Ehcood. Yes. I calculate it will. And I 'spect a boy by the name 
of Dave Dean will git himself curnunnnuxed. 

D tve. Now, boys, keep your places in the class and I'll do the 
ticklin'. (Dave goes near to tickle the Teacher's nose, when Frank 
slips up behind and gives him a push which sends him sprawling 
against the teacher.) Oh, gracious ! Thunder and lightning ! 



54: A SCENE IN THE BOBTOWN SCHOOJ,. 

Teacher. ( Springing up. ) What's nil this about? (Dave runs to- 
wards the door. J You young rascal, I'll give you a lickin' fur this. 

(Runs after him. 
Dave. Master, I didn't do it. Somebody pushed me. (Exit r. 
Teacher. I'll settle your business. (Exit b. 

Bill. ( Shouting after them. ) Hi! 
Charley. Whoop ! 
Frank. Hurrah ! 
Henry. Go it, ye cripples ! 

( Boys laugh and shout as the curtain falls. 



Cubtain. 



MRS. BOLIVAR'S QUILTING. 

IN ONE SCENE. 



(55) 



MES. BOLIVAK'S QUILTING. 



CHARACTERS. 



Mrs. Peggy Bolivar. 

Miss Prudence Spencer, ) ^,, ir .,* 

Miss Ohabitt Chickweed, \ 0ld Maids ' 

Miss Annie Reynolds, A Young Lady. 

Mrs, Jane Jenkins, ) -ttt- , 

Mrs. Jemima Pepper, \ VYl<X0lDS ' 



COSTUMES.— MODERN. 

PROPERTIES. 
A quilt and quilting frame, needles, thread, &c. Six chairs. 



W 



MRS. BOLIVAR'S QUILTING. 



Scene. — A Boom. A quilt in frame. Six chairs around it. 

All the Characters discovered seated and engaged in quilting, 

Mrs. Bolivar. Now, I wan't to say to all of you that you needn't 
be partie'lar Low you quilt this quilt, fur it is a quilt of not much 
importance. I hev been thinkiu' fur some time that I ought 
to git a quilt quilted fur the hired nmn to sleep under. He is a 
norphan and he complains of bein' cold these frosty nights. 
Ginerally speakiu' hired men are inclined to give a body a good 
deal (A trouble and, therefore, I ginerally turn a heedless ear to 
their howlin's. This man however, bein' a norphan, seems to be 
more inclined to feel cold than a'most anybody else I ever had 
dealiu's with. We did hev a boy here fur awhile, and he slept 
with the hired man, but he is gone away and the hired man, 
which his name is John Jones, is gittin very unreasonable. I'd a 
heap ruther not hev any hired men about the house, but it seems 
a'most impossible fur Jeremiah to git along without one. 

Miss Spe)icer. What is the Christian name of the hired gentleman 
who now works fur Mr. Bolivar ? 

Mrs. B. His name is Jonathan Simms, but I aiu't so sure 
that he is a Christian, fur I heard him swearin' at the pigs yes- 
terday. 

Miss S, Is Mr. Simms a beautiful man about the face ? 

157) 



58 MRS. BOLlVAll's QUILTING. 

Mrs. B. Well, he's got an awful long nose, but otherwise hell do 
purty well. 

Miss Chickweed. You must Lev a notion of settin' your cap far 
him when you ax so much about him. 

Miss S. Set my cap fur a hired man ! Who ever heard of sich a 
thing? Charity Chickweed, you must be a born fool or you 
wouldn't talk that way. Hadn't you better go and run* after 
Benjamin Brown ag'in ? 

Miss 0. Some people must get mad jest about a little thing. 
I was only speakin' in a sort of a jocular joke. I reckon a body 
might joke a little at a quiltin'. 

Miss S. But when it comes to eveuin' me to a hired man I 
won't stand it. It isn't any joke when it comes to this. 

Mrs. J. Oh, let us drop the subject, and let peace reign in 
Handsaw, as the poet says. It is very terrifyin' on the feelin's 
to hev two people git savagerous and talk slantindicularly at each 
other. I would advise you both to go on in the even tendril of 
your ways and look upon each other jest as if there hadn't been 
nothin' said of a slantindicular natur'. 

Miss G. Well, I'm agreed to let the matter drop, fur as true 
as preachin' I don't harbor no animosity within my bosom* 

Miss S. I s'pose I kin let the matter drop. I was allers consider- 
ed one that could take a joke if the necessity of the case demanded it, 
but I wasn't quite expectin' to be evened to Mr. Bolivar's hired 
man. The Spencers allers held theirselves up purty high. They 
had purty good blood in their veins fur some of their relations 
signed the Declaration of Independence, and to hev a person in 
sich a standin' evened to a hired man is a leetle to overwhelmin' 
to be endured. 

Mrs. J. Oh, well, you needn't say nothin' more about it, fur 
Charity has sed that she didn't harbor no animosity within her 
bosom, and I feel purty sure she didn't. She is one who never 
allowed animosity to rankle within her constitution. 

Miss 8. Oh, I kin let it drop. I allers could take a joke, 
but I considered it a leetle too much to be evened to Mr. Bolivar's 
hired man when one of my ancestorial relations writ his name 
to the Declaration of Independence. 

Mrs. Pepper. Fur the purpose of changin' the subject and 
stoppin' the flow of conversation in regard to Mr. Bolivar's hired 
man, I would inquire if any of you hev seen Deacon Slimkins 
lately ? 

Miss Reynolds. I saw his son last Friday night. ( Giggles. ) 
Te hee. 

Mrs. J. Is it possible that George Slimkins has commenced to 
go to see the girls. 

Miss R. I didn't say he went to see anybody. Te hee. 

Mrs. J. Well, I reckon you didn't go to see him ? 



MRS. bolivar's quilting. 59 

Miss R. Couldu't I see him without going to the house? And 
couldn't he see me without coming to our house? Te hee. 

Mrs. J. There wasn't no singiu' nor no thin' last Friday night, 
and how could you see him if he didn't come a courtin' ? 

Miss R. Couldn't he have come over for the handsaw or the 
spade or the shovel or something or another? Te hee. 
Mrs. J. Oh ! I s'pose he's courtin' you. 

Mrs. P. Yes, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself, Annie 
Reynolds. You're too young to be keepin' company with George 
Slim kins. 

Miss R. And you're too old to be keeping company with 
Deacon Slimkins. But all the company you're keeping with him 
doesn't amount to much. You'd like to catch the Deacon, but 
he knows what you are and he won't have anything to with 
you. 

Mrs. P. (Angrily.) You imppedent young thing, you'd better 
hold your tongue. You don't know how to talk to your superiors. 
Better stay at home till } t ou l'arn some manners. 

Miss R. ( Giggles. ) Te hee ! Yeu're getting kind of cranky. 
Mrs. P. Yon don't know how r to talk, and your inarm ought 
to keep you at home. I don't like sich sassy people. 

Miss R. I would like to inquire who commenced to sass, as you 
call it. 

Mrs. R. La, sakes ! if you git up a few more fights around this 
quilt it will be quilted bad enough. 

Mrs. P. I wish I hadn't axed anything about Deacon Slimkins 
since this imppedent young thing has tuck to cuttin' up so bad. 
But I merely axed to sorter squelch the animosity which was arisin' 
between Prudence and Charity. 

Miss R. Oh, you axed jest because you're tryin' to catch 
Deacon Slimkins and you can't think or talk about anything 
else. 

Mrs. P. (Rising.) You young, ugly, abominable, rantauker- 
ous gal, I hev half a mind to rush upon you and scratch you 
awful. 

Miss G. (Rising.) Now let me say somethin' to still the angry 
waters and squench the risin' billows. Jemima Pepper, I wouldn't 
mind what a young bit of a gal says, And I s'pose she didn't railly 
mean to be sassy, but she was jest kinder led ou to it. Jemima 
Pepper, you know that as we travel along through this world of 
obstickles and sich things we must forgive and forget. On every 
hand, yes, on the North and on the South, on the East and on the 
West w r e must encounter and run ag'in obstickles and sich things. 
We are all liable to hev trouble and sometimes we will encounter 
sassy gals. And .here the question arises, why is it that we hev 
sassy gals in this world, or rather, why is it that gals are sassy? 
There might be several answers giv to this question. Without 
desirin' to consume too much time I might give a few of them. 



60 MRS. bolivar's quilting. 

Iii the first place, gals are sassy because it is their natur'. Sassi- 
ness is born and bred into some people and you might jest as well 
try to diim up the Rocky Mountains with a chip as to take it out of 
'em. People that are born in this sad condition hev my largest and 
most extensive pity. But all people are not born sassy. No, not by 
a long chalk. A great many people git their sassiness after they hev 
arrived at the age of, say ten or twelve. Some young folks, when 
they come to this age think that everything they say or do is jest 
right and that nobody has any business to say anything contrary to 
their way of thinkin'. Sassiness of this kind is almost as bad as 
the sassiness I spoke of in the first place. Yes, I will even go farder 
than that and say that this kind of sassiness is wuss, a great deal 
wuss, than the sassiness I spoke of in the first place. And now 
I will perceed to give the reason why this sassiness is a great 
deal wuss than the sassiness I spoke of the first place. When 
a person is explaiuin' a matter it devolves upon that person to 
superinduce and explanitale his reasons fur sich and sich things, 
and actin' upon this devolvolution I will now proceed to give the . 
reason why the sassiness I spoke of in the last place is so much 
wuss than the sassiness I spoke of in the first place. The sassiness 
in the first place is not really the sassiness of the people involved ; 
from the fact that the sassiness is berry dittery and therefore the 
people involved are not to be blamed because the sassiness does not 
come by their own doin's. No, it does not come by their own doin's, 
fur their sassiness is herrydittery. When I commenced to speak 
on this matter to you I looked upon the first kind of sassiness as 
awful bad, but as I went on, and as I thought over the matter 
I could plainly see that the first sassiness which I spoke of was not 
near so bad and terrifyin' as the second sassiness which I spoke of. 
And this if all ownin' to the first sassiness bein' herrydittery. W T hen 
anything is herrydittery there ain't nobody to blame fur it. I could 
enlarge upon this subject, but I must hasten and proceed to speak 
of the third kind of sassiness, which comes upon the sasser almost 
unknownin'ly and unwittin'ly. This kind of sassiness is brought 
on by the remarks of another person which may be slightly sassy, 
hugely sassy or not in the least sassy. And I might here say that 
some people would consider a remark hugely sassy which other 
people would look upon as not in the least sassy, and visey versey 
t'other way. You see, different people look upon things in different 
lights. I will hasten on to explaiu that the sassiness of the present 
sasser, or in other words, the sassiness of Annie Reynolds was 
brought on unknowin'ly and unwittin'ly. It isn't fur me to say 
whether the remarks which brought on the sassiness of the present 
sasser were slightly sassy, hugely sassy, or not the least bit sassy, 
and it isn't fur me to say anything in regard to the remarks of 
Annie Reynolds. Some of you may consider them slightly sassy, 
others may consider them hugely sassy, while others may consider 
that there wasn't any sass included and incorporated in them. 



MRS. BOUVAb's QtrtLTrNG. 61 

I didn't rise fur the purpose of decidin' on that p'int ; I only 
rose fur the purpose of tryin' to git peace to spread her broad 
wings ag'in over this quiltin' assembly. Ladies of this here 
quiltin', 1 want to say to you that quarrelin' and fightm' and 
jawin and scratchin' and kickin' up fusses is bad and demor- 
alizin' aud ought to be abandoned, Let us quilt in trauquillowty 
anil harmonity and while we jab the needle into the yieldiu' 
quilt, let lis endeavor to hev peace hoverin' around. 

(Sits down cutd commences to quilt. 

Miss S. When you're so much ag'in sassin', I wonder that 
you should git to sassin' me by evenin' ine to Mr. Bolivar's hired 
man. 

Mrs. J. Ch, fur the land's sake, don't git to slantindictin' each 
other ag'in. Let that matter drop. Do both of you go on in 
the even tendrils of your ways or we won't never git this quilt 
done. As I before said in a brief remark, I feel sure that Charity 
didn't mean nothin' fur the Chickweeds never was persons to let 
animosity rankle within their constitutions. 

Miss S. It seems to me, Jane Jenkins, that you are meddlin' 
a little too much with the conversation which is goin' on between 
me and Charity. When two people gits to talkiu' it is the height 
of onpolitenesss fur another person to speak up and make remarks 
and interrupt. If you want to talk I guess you'd better go and 
talk to old Timothy Jackson. They say you're tryin' to ketch 
him now. 

Mis. J. (Bising. ) Now I'm goin' to give you a piece of my 
mind. You're an old reprobate and a hypocrite and a blathershite 
and a big fool. Hevn't you jest been jawin' Charity Chickweed 
fur considerin' you equal to Mr. Bolivar's hired man. And now I 
ax you in clarified tones, who is Timothy Jackson ? Answer that 
question, Jane Jenkins. Ah ! I feel as if I could swoop down upon 
you like a vulture swoopin' down upon soinethin' which it wanted 
to eat. But the questions recurs, Who is Timothy Jackson? and 
the answer comes boomin' down in all its startliu' vividness, He 
is a hired man! Is it possible that sich doiu s can be did at a 
quiltin'? Base, hypocritical woman, didn't you get blusterous aud 
also gusterous when Charity Chickweed remarked good humoredly 
that you must hev a notion of settin' your cap fur Mr. Bolivar's 
hired man. Mr. Bolivar's hired man is too good fur you. 

Miss S. ( Springing up. ) What's that you say ? Halt! Stop! 
I'm infuriated now. (Seizes the qniit and knocks down the frame. 

Mrs. B. Good land ! my quilt will be ruinated. 

Mrs. P. What a distressin' rumpus ! 

Mrs. J. Don't come near me or I'll tear your wig all to flin- 
ders. 

Miss S. Do you dare to say that I wear a wig ? 

Mrs. J. I do. 

Miss S. Now then fur vengeance. 



62 Mrs. bolivar's quilting. 

(Mrs. Bolivar seizes Miss Spencer and Mrs. Pepper seizes 
Mrs. Jenkins. 

Mrs. B. You shill not fight. Why, what would the people say 
if there should be a fight at Mrs. Bolivar's quiltin' ? It wonld be an 
ever las tin' disgrace upon both of you, and upon me also. 

Mrs. P. Yes, and the people would talk about it fur six 
months. 

Mrs B No you shill not fight. You may ruin my quilt and 
tear down my quitin frame, and the hired man may do without a 
kiver far forty years, but you shill not fight. No, you shill not. 
It would be a terrifyin' disgrace. 

Miss S. I don't want to disgrace nobody, but no woman shill 
say that I wear a wig without gittin' fearfully scratched. 

Mrs. B. Waal, you sha'n't do no scratchin in this house. 

Miss S. No, I'll give it up far the time bein' and proceed to 
quilt jest as if nothin' had happened to mar and disjoint the 
sublimity of the occasion. But to Jane Jenkins I would say, there 
will come a day of vengeance. 

Mrs. J. Let her come. Now let us set up the quilt and return to 
our quiltin'. I'd a heap rather this circumstance hadn't occurred, 
but I was kinder let into it unknowingly. 

(The quillers set up the quilt while Miss Chickweed speaks. 

Miss G. Yes, let us hev peace and let us drive animosity and 
indignation far away. Quiltin's are got up not only fur the purpose 
of quiltin', but also fur the purpose of ineefiii together in good 
humor and hevin' some sociable and revivifyin' talk. At quiltin's we 
should hev an exchange of good feelin', as it were. But how has it 
been at this quiltin ? Ah ! it makes me sithe when I think how it 
has been. "We hev had wranglin' and janglin' and snappin' and 
snarl in . Now while this quiltin' goes on and continners and per- 
ceeds, let us put away this wranglin' and janglin and while we 
jab the needle into the quilt let us endeavor to hev peace hoveriu' 
around. Ladies of this here quiltin', can we not git off a jocular 
joke upon each other without hevin' a fuss raised and without 
startin' animosity ? Y r es, I think we can. Who hev we at this 
quiltin'? First we hev the lady who was kind enough to make this 
said quiltin', and who wants to git a kiver fur her hired man's 
bed. This woman is a good woman. Nobody can rise up and say 
anything ag'in' Mrs. Bolivar. 

Mrs. B. Oh, Charity, how you do talk ! 

Miss C. (Continuing. ) And then we hev Prudence Spencer, who 
is a young and handsome gal. She was inclined to say some things 
ag'iu* me a short spell ago, but she said them without thinkin', 
and I ain't one of them kind of people as allows myself to feel 
wrathful ag'in anybody. And now I shill pass on to Annie 
Reynolds. She is a lively gal. Sorrow rests but lightly upon 
her brow. I learn with sincere pleasure that she has got a beau 
and that beau is George Slimkins. 



MRS. bolivar's quilting, 63 

Miss B. I didn't say I had a bean. Te bee. 

Miss C. I now come to Mrs. Jane Jenkins, widder of the late 
lamented Jacob Jenkins. She is an amiababble woman, and yet 
if the necessity of the case demanded it, she wonld strike fur 
her altars and her fires. I shill now speak of Mrs. Jemima Pepper. 
She is an amiababble woman, but she has sufficient pluck to take 
her own part. I learn that Deacon Slimkins is takin' occasion to 
look at her at church now-a-days. The Deacon would make a 
good choice if he would choose Jemima. 

Mrs* P. Oh, Charity, you are sich a flatterer ! 

Miss C. I hev now given a telescopic view of what this present 
quilt in' is composed. The quilt is now set up. Sisters of this 
qwiltin', let us ag'in fall to and, as I said before, while we jab 
the needle into the yieldin' quilt, let us endeavor to hev peace 
ho verm' around. (Sits dorcn and iheij all commence to quilt. 

Mrs. B. I guess my quilt isn't ruiuated after after all. But 
when Prudence grabbed it I thought it would be smashed into 
flinders. 

Miss S. I was infuriated, and when I am infuriated I am liable 
to rend things asunder. 

Mrs, J. But you didn't do much rendin' that time. 

Miss S. I hevn't anything to say now, as I wish to hev respect 
fur Mrs. Bolivar and fur this quilt. But I wonld jest say calmly 
to von, Jane Jenkins, that a day of vengeance will come. 

Iff*. J. Pooh ! 

Miss 0. Don't say nothin' more. As soon as we git one rumpus 
squelched another one bursts forth. Sisters of this quiltin', I be- 
seech you, do not let your animosities git aroused, but as I said 
afore, while you jab the needle into the yieldin' quilt, endeavor 
to let peace hover around. 

Mrs. B. I believe I shill hev to go out and see about gittin' 
the supper. Who of you will hev coffee and who will hev tea ? 

Mrs. P. I'll take tea, fur my part. Deacon Slimkins says that 
coffee is bad fur the disgustible organs. 

Miss li. Te hee She's talking about Deacon Slimkins again. 

Mrs. P. What's that you say, you young hussy ? 

Miss R. You can't talk about anything but Deacon Slimkius. 

Mrs. P, You imppedent young thing, you re commenin ag'in, 
are you? You don't know how to talk; you don't know nothin'. 
Jest because George Slimkius has gone hum with you once or twice 
from siugin' school you think you can say a' most anything. But 
I'll show you that you can't give me none of your sass. 

Mrs. B. Good laud if there isn't another fuss arisin'. 

Miss G. Annie Reynolds, if you go on in this way I will hev to 
put you into the second class of sassers of which I spoke. 

Miss B. Te hee ! It would be a terrible thing to be put into that 
class. 

Mrs. P. You imppedeut young thing, this is the second time 



64 MRS. bolivar's quilting. 

to-day that you liev sassed me about Deacon Slimkins. (Wising.) 
Now I rise up and call upon you to take it all back — yes, I rise up 
and call upon you to recatanict. 

Miss R. Hccataract I Te Lee 1 What's the meaning of that 
word ? 

Mrs. P. Don't give me no more of your sass, but take back 
What you Lev said about me and Deacon Slimkins. 

Miss G. Oh, now, let us endeavor to hev amiababbility within 
our walls while we are doin' this quiltiu'. As I remarked before, 
let us go forward and jab the needle into the yieldin quilt, and at 
the same time let us endeavor to hev peace hoveriu' around. 

Mrs. P. I don't want anybody to talk to me now about peace 
and amiababbility and sich things, fur I am furiously ami spon- 
tonaticly aroused. (To Miss Reynolds.) Annie Reynolds, are 
you goin' to take back what you hev said about me and Deacon 
Slimkins ? 

Miss R. No, I'm not. You're an old fool and you'd better hold 
tongue. 

Mrs. P. Land of Goshen ! Would I hev thought that the 
imppedent young thing would talk way to me. (To the other 
quitters.) You see who has got up this fuss. But a day of 
reckonin' has come. As I said before I am furiously and sponton- 
atically aroused. 

Miss S. (Springing up.) And I'm aroused in that kind of 
a way too. Jane Jenkins, my day of reckonin' is come. I did 
think that I won Id say nothin' on the present occasion, but I can't 
keep still ; the indignation is boomin' within me and it must bust 
forth. 

Mrs. B. Good land ! If you git up any more fusses my quilt will 
be ruinated intirely. 

Miss C. Sisters of this quiltiu', let me beseech yon to scrunch 
back your indignation. Let us endeavor to hev trauquillowty 
aboundin' within these walls while we are doin' this quiltiu'. Let 
us go forward in peace and jab the needle into the yieldin' quilt. 

Miss S. (To Mes. Jenkins.) Are you ready to be most terri- 
fically scratched? 

Mrs. J. (Rising.) Yes, I stand ready fnr the cornfiict. 

Mrs. P. (To Mtss Beynolds.) You imppedent thing, are- you 
ready to be cruelly dealt with ? 

Miss R. (Raising her arms.) I am. 

Mrs. B. Good land of Nantucket! what will become of my quilt. 

Miss S. Jane Jenkins, you slanderalytical woman, come on. 

Mrs. P. Annie Reynolds, you imppedent young thing, come on. 

(Miss Spencer and Mas. Jenkins, and Mrs Pepper and Miss 

Reynot/ds rush together and commence to fight and scream. 

The quilt is knocked down. Other quitters scream. General 

confusion. 

Curtain. 



A B U M P U S . 



IN ONE SCENE. 



(65) 



K U M P U S . 



CHARACTERS. 



Miss Evalina Nobb, } ni -, ir .,* 

Miss Miranda Jobb, J" 0ld Maxds * 

Mrs, Lucinda Dobb, ) Mothers who have in- 

Mrs. Flobabel Bobb, j fants on exhibition. 



COSTUMES.— MODERN. 

PROPERTIES. 

Table. Four chairs. Two pillows dressed up as babies. 



(66) 



A E U M P U S . 



Scene. — A Room. Table at back, c. Chairs b. and L. 
AU the Characters discovered seated. 

Miss Nobb. I never was at a baby show afore and it seems kind 
of luuny. 

Miss Jobb. This is the first baby show I was ever at too, and I 
kalkilate it will be the last one. It makes me nervous to hear the 
cryin' of different babies in different parts of the buildin'. I don't 
keer nothin' fur babies. 

Miss N. Well, I can't say as I keer fur babies either, but it is 
kind of funny to be at a baby show. You git to see a good many 
people when you come td a baby show. The men sect all come out 
fur to see the babies, and then, besides that, it is kind of funny to be 
at a baby show. 

Miss J. Well, I am sure I don't keer far the men sect. They 
hevn't got no attractions fur me. I don't want to hev nothin' to do 
with them, fur they are all a deceitful class of individuals and they 
deserve the scorn and thunderatiou of all enlightened females. 

Miss N. I am not so rebutive ag'in the men sect as you are, 
Miranda, You know the poet says, 

167) 



68 A RUMPUS. 

41 There's a bliss beyond all that the minstrel has told, 

When two that are linked in one heavenly tie, 
With heart never changing, and brow never cold. 

Love on through all ills, and love on till they die ! 
One hour of a passion so sacred is worth 

Whole ages of heartless and wandering bliss ; 
And oh ! if there be an elysiuni on earth, 

It is this, it is this !" 

The men sect, generally speakin', is an abused class. Now there 
are some mighty magnificent men in this town. Look, fur in- 
stance, at Washington Webb and Alexander Jones and Mark 
Baxter. 

Miss J. Don't tell me to look at them, fur I won't. They ain't 
any better than the rest of the male sect. I don't want to hev any- 
thing to say to any of them. I wish I had stayed at home. The 
squallin' of the brats around me is terrify in'. 

Mrs. Dobb. Well, if I didn't like the squallin' of the brat's I'd git 
up and leave. 

Mrs. Bobb. Yes, that's what you ought to do. 
Miss J. I've jest got as good a right to stay here as either of you. 
It's you two women that ought to leave. I think you'd better hunt 
up your squallin' brats and go home. 

Mrs. D. (Rising.) Do you dare to say that my Alexander John 
Benjamin is a squallin' brat ? 

Mrs. B. (Rising.) Do you dare to open your unparalled jaws 
and wag your slanderous tongue in sicb a way as to intimate that 
my precious William Boanerges Harrison is a squallin' brat ? 

Miss J. Oh, now, you needn't git fussy about nothin'. Under 
the Constitution and By Laws of these United States I hev jest as 
good a right to talk as anybody. If I don't like the male sect the 
Constitution of the United States gives me the power to say so, and 
if 1 don't like squallin' brats, the Declaration of Independence of 
these United States will uphold me in speakin' my mind. 

Mrs. D. But you ain't goin' to come into my presence and say 
that my little wopsy popsy Alexander John Benjamin is a squallin' 
brat. 

Mrs. B. And you ain't goin' to come into this baby show of ours 
and open your rebellious jaws and wag your slanderous tongue and 
take occasion to intimate that my dear hoity toity William Boanerges 
Harrison is a squalliu' brat. I don't keer fur the Declaration of 
the United States nor the Constitution of America nor nothin' else. 
My William Boanerges Harrison isn't goin' to be slandered and 
lacerated by anybody. The Bobbs never was a people that could be 
trampled upon. 

Miss J. Now, Lucinda Dobb and Florabel Bobb, what's the use 
of gittin' up a fuss? If you talk so loud you'll wake the whole 



A RUMPUS. by 

caboodle of babies which are sleepiu' in the next room. If I don't 
like squaliiu' brats hevn't I a right to say so ? 

Mrs. 1). If you don't like the dear babies you ought to git up and 
leave as quick as possible. 

Mrs. B. Yes, that's jest what you ought to do, fur you ain't agoin' 
to sit up here and take occasion to intimate that my William Boan- 
erges Harrison is a squallin' brat. Sich doiu's can't be did here, 
fur the Bobbs never could be trampled upon, and as long as there 
is a drop of blood in my sinews sich doiu's sba'n't be consummated 
under the shinin' heavings. 

Miss N. Perhaps I can interpolate, or in other words, poke in a 
few syllables what shill act as oil poured upon the troubled waters, 
as it were. I think Mirauda Jobb didn't really intend to utter any 
words which would cause an uprisin' ; I think she merely wished to 
say that she didn't take an immense delight in infant babies, and 
bavin' said this much she wished it to be understood that the Con- 
stitution of the United States guarantees the freedom of speakin' 
about babies and also about the male sect. She didn't really intend 
to send a shaft which should rankle like a serpent's tooth. You 
know the poet says, 

" Oh ! many a shaft at random sent, 
Finds mark the archer little meant ; 
And many a word at random spoken, 
May soothe or wound a heart that's broken." 

Mrs. D. Evalina Nobb, you needn't interfere and endeavor to 
take Miranda's part. I reckon she kin fight her own battles. She's 
got to take back what she said. She isn't goiu' to say that my 
precious Alexander John Benjamin is a squallin' brat. 

Mrs. B. No, nor she isn't goin' to say that my innocent little 
darlin', William Boanerges Harrison is a squallin' brat. She's got to 
take it back. 

Miss N. Now let peace reign in Warsaw, as the poet says. 
Don't ask Miranda Jobb to take back a harmless remark. She 
didn't mean nothin' and there ain't no use in gittin' up an uprisin' 
about nothin'. 

Mrs. D. Evalina Nobb, I'd like you'd attend to your own affairs. 
You're nothin' but a meddlesome old maid and you're jest goin' 
round tryin' to ketch a husband. 

Mrs. B. Yes, you're jest a meddlesome old maid, and when I tell 
Miranda Jobb that she mustn't call my William Boanerges Harrison 
a squallin' brat, I don't want you to interfere and endeavor to pour 
oil on the troubled waters, as you call it. You're wautin' to git 
niar/ded awful bad, but nobody'd hev you. 

Miss JV". What do I hear ? Is it possible that Lucinda Dobb 
and Florabel Bobb will talk so to Evalina Nobb? Can I believe 



70 A RUMPUS. 

ni)' ears? Do I bear aright? Now then fur vengeance. I hev held 
my peace fur a good spell, but now I am aroused. 

Miss J. Give them calamity. They hevn't got good common 
sense. If they hadn't been so touchy about Alexander John Bel- 
zebub and William Boanerges Bolivar they wouldn't hev got into 
this trouble. I was only assertin' my rights under the Constitution 
and By Laws of the United states. 

Miss JV. I hev endeavored to pour oil onto the troubled waters 
and 

Mrs. Z). ( Interrupting. ) And you hev got into trouble yourself. 
That serves you right. You had no business to interfere and en- 
deavor to screen Miranda Jobb. She said that my precious Alex- 
ander John Benjamin was a squallin' brat and she shill take it back 
or suffer severely. 

Mrs. B. And she said that my darlin* William Boanerges Har- 
rison was a squallin' brat. She shill take it back or there it back or 
there 6hill be "A Rumpus " which shill shake this earth from centre 
to circumference. 

Miss JV. I don't care a picayune bow you and Miranda Jobb 
fix things now. I did endeavor to pour oil on the troubled waters, 
as it were, but you, Lucinda Dobb and Florabel Bobb hev said 
that I am runnin' around bun tin' a husband and now I stand ready 
to dash upon you. No woman shill say to me that I am runniu' 
around huntin' a husband. No, indeed, for sieh isn't the case. 
Lucinda Dobb, come forth. I stand ready for the fray. Com© 
out and let me tear you into atoms, and then, after I hev demolished 
a Dobb let me commence upon a Bobb. (Baby cries outside. 

Mrs. B, There ! that's the cry of ray precious William Boanerges 
Harrison. I must away to my darlin' wopsy popsy. 

Miss J. Yes, run to your squallin' brat. It is a squallin* brat, 
and the sounds which are now comin' from the room are positive 
proof of mj r assertion. Under the Constitution of these United 
States I hev a right to say a squallin' brat is a squallin brat. ( Very 
loud. ) Florabel Bobb, I say that your brat is a squallin brat, and 
I dare you to do your worst. 

Mrs. B* Miranda Jobb, you git very uproarious when you find 
that I hev to leave the room. I go, but I will return. Yon hev said 
that William Boanerges Harrison is a squallin' brat. You shiil 
take it back, or I shill break the Constitution of the United States 
and break your head too. 

Miss J. Oh, I ain't afeared of you. 

Mrs. B, I go, but I will return, and then I will sound the war 
whoop. (Baby cries outside.) But I must hasten to my precious 
William Boanerges Harrison. (Ex.it r. 

Miss iV r . Bobb is gone. And now, Dobb, I call upon you to 
come forth. You hev said that I am a meddlesome old maid 
and that I am a rannin' around huntin' a husband. Dobb, will you 
take it back? 



A BUMPUS. 71 

Mrs. D. Did you ever know a Dobb to tike back anything? 
No, there is neither flinch nor falter iu a Dobb. You had to put in 
your tongue when we get into trouble with Miranda Jobb, and I 
jest said what I thought. I said you were a meddlesome old maid 
and that you were runnin' around huutin' a husband. 

Miss y. 'Tisn't so. It's a base falsification. Take it buck or I'll 
give you a bouncin'. 

Miss J. Now let me say a word. (Bahy cries outside. 

Mrs. D. There ! that's the cry of my Alexauder John Benjamin. 
I would know it anywhere. I must rush to my dearlin' ootsey 
tootsey, but I will return and then I will stand ready for the 
fray. 

Miss J. Yes, run to your squallin' brat. Didn't I say it was 
a squallin' brat, and wasn't I right? The Constitution of the 
United States upholds me in savin' that your brat is a squallin' 
brat, and I will stick to it. Yes, it is a squallin' brat ; it is squallin* 
even now. Go and attend to it. (Baby cries outside. 

Mrs. D. I go, but you will see me again. I will not be scrunched 
and trampled upon. (Exit B. 

Miss N. She's gone. 

Miss J. Yes, she has gone to her squallin' brat. Isn't it strange 
that women will make sich fools of theirselves about their babies ? 
Now what is there in a baby to admire ? I'm sure I can't see any- 
thing. 

Miss N. Miranda, what would you do with a couple of women 
who had the imperdence to say that you was runnin' around huutin' 
a husband ? 

Miss J. Well, that would depend on circumstances. If they 
told the truth I would let them alone ; if they didn't tell the truth I 
would fight till the last armed foe expired. 

Miss N. You don't intend to say that they told the truth in my 
case. 

Miss J. Yes, they told the truth. I say it with a realizin' sense 
of the moral responsibility of the assertion. That's what you hev 
been doin' fur several years. You tried to ketch Abraham Winterly 
and Tom Richetts and Jake Spooner and Sam Johnston and Natty 
Briggs, and now you are after Washington Webb and Alexander 
Jones and Mark Baxter. Yes, Evalina Nobb, I'm sorry to hev to say 
it, but you hev been makin' a dunce of yourself fur several years. 
Now, 1 wouldn't do sich a thing. I despise the male sect from first 
to last, and I won't hev nothin' to do with them— nothin' what- 
somdever. But if I was wantin' to git married I'm sure I'd never 
run after the men ; I'd see them in Halifax first. 

Miss N. Can I believe my ears? Do I hear aright ? Is it possi- 
ble that you, Miranda Jobb, hev turned ag'in' me? Now I shill jest 
proceed to tell you what I think of you, and it won't require much 
time either. You are a base old reprobate and an unprincipled 
falsificator? Don't I know that you hev been tryin' to ketch 



72 A BUMPUS. 

Washington Webb and Alexander Jones and Mark Baxter? Yes, 
I do, and you Lev got cranky and ngly and sour and mean and 
unprincipled because you can't get them. Oh, I know you Miranda 
Jobb and I jest tell you now that no woman is goin' to talk that 
way about me, and go home without gettin' an awful sciatchin' at my 
hands. ( Holding up her hands. ) You see them hands ? You see the 
finger nails upon them hands ? You see that them finger nails 
hevn't been cut off tnr some time? My anger on this occasion shill 
make them nails ten thousand times sharper. My anger on this 
occasion shill make me scratch with a ferocity unparalleled in the 
annals of ancient history. My anger, which is as hot as the burn- 
in' lavender which rolls down the sides of Mount Vesupiter, shill 
cause me to dive onto the top of your head and tear out the few re- 
nminbi' hairs which are still clingin' there. Yes, Miranda Jobb, I 
am fully aroused. I feel like a ragin' lion on the tops ot the 
Adirondacs. I feel like an Adriatic tiger which is about to spring 
upon his prey. Yes, Miranda Jobb, I am about to spring. 

Miss J. Spring then, and don't talk so much. In the lan- 
guage of the poet : 

" Come one, come all ; this rock shall fly, 
From it's firm base as soon as I. " 

I stand ready to meet you. Do you think I'm afeared ? A Jobb 
afeared of a Nobb ? Never. 

Miss N. Then here I come and I shill tear you all to pieces. 
(Springs towards her with hands upraised.) Hadn't you better re- 
treat ! 

Enter Mbs. Bobb, b., with baby — the baby should be a small pillow 
dressed to resemble an infant. 

Mrs. B. What means this rumpus ? 

Miss N. I am goin' to spring upon this ugly old maid and tear 
her all to pieces. 

Zl'-s. B. Yes, spring upon her ; crush her ; tear her eyes out. 
She's a venomous, rantankerous, pusillanimous woman. ( Talking 
to baby.) Yes, she is, isn't she, my 'ittle wopsy topsy, Willie 
Boanerges Harrison ? He is mamma's pet, so he was, and the 
bad, ugly com an said he was a squallin' brat. 'Ittle wopsy topsy go 
to s'eepy. 

Miss J. Woman, don't talk to me. You're a Bobb and I don't 
want to hev anything to say to a Bobb. 

Mrs. B. And isn't a Bobb as good as a. Jobb? What were the 
Jobbs? They didn't amount to anything; they were a good fur 
nothin' set. I know all about the Jobbs. Hevn't I heard what 
your father was, and your grandfather, Yes, I know all about the 
Jobbs. 

Miss J. Woman, you're turnin' your squallin* baby upside down. 



A BUMPUS. 73 



Mrs. B. (Straightening up the baby.) Why so I am turnin' the 
'ittle ootsey tootsey upside down. Was I hurtiii' the 'ittle poity 
toity ? Yes, he was gettin' his precious head turned over. You is 
sich a darliu' baby— yes, he was. 

Enter ]\J its. Dobb, b., cairying a baby. 

Mrs, D. I hev returned and I stand ready fur the battle. 

Miss N. Hold, Mrs. Dobb ! Stay, Mrs. Bobb ! I want to attend 
to this Jobb s She h;is ssiid that 1 am hunting a husband. It is a 
base falsification ; it is an outrageous lie. I will attend to this 
Jobb. And I will make a short job of this Jobb. Now, Jobb, I am 
ready to spring. 

3fiss J. Well, it seems to me that you are all talk and no fight. I 
think you are doin' a job of talkin'. 

Miss N. You shill soon see that I kin fight. Did you ever know 
a Nobb that wouldn t fight when she was trampled upon ? Prepare 
for the conflict. I am now about to spring, jest as a Beugolly tiger 
would spring upon an unsuspectin* pullet 

Mrs. D. Stay, Miss Nobb. 

-Mrs. B. Hold, Miss Nobb. 

Mrs. D. She has said that my Alexander John Benjamin is 
a squalliu' brat Kin I endure this ? Never ! She must be 
scrunched and I must hev a hand in the scranchin'. I will set 
my baby down here on the floor and then I will be ready fur 
the rumpus. (Sets her baby down at B. entrance, 

Mrs. B. And I also must hev a hand in the scruuchin'. She has 
said that my William Boanerges Harrison is a squalliu' brat, and 
shill I hev sich venomous things said about my William Boan- 
erges Harrison? Never! (Becomes excited, holds the baby in one 
hand, flourishes it and gesticulates icildly while she is speaking.) 
Sbill my William Boanerges Harrison be abused and viliificated 
and curflummuxed ? Never ! 

Miss J. 1 think he's gittin' purty bad curflummexed now. 

Mrs. B. (Still waving Vie baby around her head and speaking 
wildly.) Ain't I a Bobb, and kin I endure sich doin's? Am I 
goin' to stand quietly by and see my William Boanerges Harrison 
ridiculed and knocked about and curflummuxed ? No, never ! I am 
aroused now. I feel like an ostrich or an antelope or somethin' 
or another. I feel prepared to dash upon Miranda Jobb jest like a 
thunderbolt and upset her at one fearful blow. Am I a Bobb? 
Yes, I am a Bobb, snd William Boanerges Harrison is a Bobb, 
and the Bobb family shill not be dislocated and abused by a 
member of the Jobb family ; I am aroused to the highest pitch ; I 
feel like a thunderstorm, I feel like a locomotive. Come on, Miranda 
Jobb. I can't be restrained any longer. 

Miss J. You kin all do more talkin' than fightin . Why don't 
you come at me? I will now take occasion to say that I am 



74 



A RUMPUS. 



aroused. I see that I will hev to strike the first blow, and it 
skill be a fearful blow. I will knock you Southwards and North- 
wards and Westwards. I will sweep over you like a hurricane. 
Come, Nobb. come on, Dobb, come on, Bobb ; I kin fight you all. 

(Raises her arms and rushes up to Mrs. Bobb. 
Mrs. B. Oh, hold on till I set my baby down on the floor. 
Miss J. I'll set him down fur you. (She seizes the Baby and 
dashes it upon the floor. ) Come on, Nobb, come on, Dobb, come on, 
Bobb, I kin fight you all. Whoop ! 

( They all rush together and commence to fight and scream as the 
curtain/alls. 



Cubxain. 



SCENE H A RAILWAY STATION. 



IN ONE SCENE. 



(78) 



SCENE IN A RAILWAY STATION. 



-:o; 



CHARACTERS. 

William Yokel, A Dutchman, 
Bryan Malqne, An Irishmrn. 
John Smith, Ticket Agent 
Ralph Rufus, An Requisite. 

Mrs. Prudence Pego, A Woman of Pluck. 
Ellen Elder, A Young Lady. 



COSTUMES.— To Suit the Characters. 

PROPERTIES. 

Carpet-bag for Mrs. Pegg. Tickets for Agent. Railroad porters. 



(76) 



SCENE 



IN A EAILWAY STATION. 



Scene. — The Interior of a Small Railway Station. Small window a 
one side of the room. 

All the Characters, except Ticket Agent, discovered seated. 

Mrs. Pegg. I do wonder what time the two o'clock train leaves. 

Bryan. Share au' it laves at half-past foive, main. 

Mrs. P. Now that's an awful falsification you hev told. "What's 
the use of tryiu' to impose on a poor lone woman ? 

Bryan. Faix, an' do ye mane to say that ye are a poor lone 
woman ? 

Mrs. P. Yes, I hev a pardner, and his name is Anthony Pegg, 
but he lias run away and left me, and I'm jest travellin' round 
tryin' to find him, 

William. Veil, I t'inks I vould led him go to t'uuder. 

Mrs. P. Oh, mister ! you are a cruel, cruel man. How kin 
I live without my Anthony ? 

William. Veil, berhaps you could find a man py t'e name of 
Villiani vich vould pe petter dan Misder Andouy. T'e Villiams 
nefer git up und run avay from dere vifes. 

Mrs. P. If you know of a good, kind man by the name of Wil- 
liam you may give me his address, I cannot yet give up my dear 
Anthony, but it may be that he has passed away from this vale 

a*) 



78 



A SCENE IN A RAILWAY STATION. 



of tears, and if sick is the case it may be that I will seek another 
parduer, fur you know it is dreadful lonesome to hev to live 
without a companion. But I would not think of sicli a thing 
as seekin' lur a parduer until after I had mourned a consid'able 
spell fur my departed Anthony. But I think that my Anthony 
is still ill the land of the livin'. 

J J "Ulittm. Veil, now, if I was in your blace, I vould gif him up. 
He aiu't of no aggount vhen he gids up und runs away from you, 
und I t'inks he don't care not'ing vhatsomefer apout you. 

Mrs. P. Oh, don't be so cruel as to speak uproariously about 
my Anthony. He was sich a good man. Tis true he had corns 
on his feet and he would swear a leetle when he got somewhat 
obstepeevious, but he was a good man fur all that. It seemed 
very home-like to hev him about, and when he went away the 
sight of his old coat a hangin' behind the kitchen door would bring 
tears a rush in' to my eyes. But if you know a good man by the 
name of William you may give me his address. 

Bryan. An' how w'ud ye loike to have a husband by the nane of 
Bryan Malone. 

Mrs. P. I don't want to hev anything to say to you, mister, fur I 
think you aren't a gentleman. Didn't you tell me that the two 
o'clock train didn't leave till half-past five. Now anybody would 
know that that was a falsification. I don't want you to talk to me, 
sir, fur I think you ain't the right kind of a man. 

Bryan. Faix, an' I think ye are an ould darby. 

Mrs. P. You'd better keep your mouth shut now, mister, or I'll 
fetch you a whop over the head with my carpet-bag. I've got a 
bottle of hair ile and a smellin'-bottle aud a tin whistle and severil 
other little trinkums in my carpet-bag and they'd rattle joyfully 
about your ears. If my Anthony was here you wouldn't give me 
none of your sass — no, you wouldn't — you'd be afeared, fur An- 
thony would take you by the back of the neck quicker'n you 
could say Jack Robinson and he'd pitch you right out of the 
station-house. 

Bryan. I think ye are an ould Tartar. I hain't got nothin' more 
to say. 

Mrs. P. But I've got somethin' more to say. Do you think I'm 
goiu' to sit still and take your sass and say nothin' ? Well I kalkilate 
I ain't, You've got me aroused now and I'm goiu' to give you a 
piece of my mind. What kind of a man are you anyhow ? Do you 
call yourself a gentleman? I wasn't sayin' an oncivii word to 
you aud yet you must give me some of your sass. [ s'pose you're in 
the habit of talkin' to unprotected females, but I'll let you see that I 
am a Rickleson — my name was Rickleson afore I married Anthony — 
and I kin tell you, mister, that I am able to take keer of myself. 
(Rises.) I hev a good mind to fetch you a whop over the head 
with my carpet-bag. 

Bryan, (Rising.) Faix, now, an' I don't want ye to do that. 



SCENE IN A RAILWAY STATION. 79 

Shure, an' wasn't I talkin' a bit far the fun av the thing ? I never 
thought ye'd take the tantrums that way. 

Mrs, P. And you thought you could poke your fun onto me, did 
you ? I'll let you see that I can't be imposed upon by an Irishman 
or auybody else. I'm gittin' madder and madder and I hev a good 
mind to fetch you a whop with my carpet-bag. 

lialph. Would you allow me to make a wemawk ? I don't wish to 
intawfeaw in the distuwbance, and yet I don't want this gentleman 
to get hurt about the head. We should be careful how we wash 
into twouble. This gentleman, I think, did not weally intend to 
get you awoused ; he merely wanted to say something amusing. 
I hope you will take this into considawation and not be any 
fuwther awoused. 

Mrs. P. And who are you ? 

Ralph. My name is Walph Wufus. 

Mrs. P. Walph Wufus ! Why what a heathenish name ! Where'd 
you come from ? China, Nova Scotia, or the Japan Islands ? You 
must be a furriner, fur you've got sich a queer twist to your 
talk. ' 

Ralph. I live in the city and I am about to weturn. 

Mrs. P. Weturn ? What's that ? Do you mean that you're 
goin' to vomit? If you are, I kalkilate you'd better step out- 
side. 

Ralph. You aw an absuwd woman. 

Mrs. P. Do you often take these spells of vomitin' ? I s'pect a 
leetle catnip tea would be good fur you. Drink it jest afore goin' 
to bed. 

Ralph. (Rising. J Woman, I don't want to hold any fuwthar 
convewsation with you. You aw an absuwd woman and I considaw 
you beneath my notice. 

Ellen. Yes, you are a disgrace to your sex. 

Mrs. P. You don't say so! And what are you? I s'pose this 
furriner is your beau, and you feel bad because he wants to vomit and 
can't git it done. 

Ellen. Don't talk to me. 

Mrs. P. Does it make you nervis to hear me talkin' ? If you are 
one of them nervis kind of gals I pity you. Now there was Prudence 
Ann Bunkerly, she was an awful nervis sort of a gal ; she couldn't 
stand it to hev anybody talkin' about the house when she got into 
one of her tantrums. But, say, I'd like to know if this furriner 
is your beau. (Ellen doesn't reply. ) Won't tell, won't you? Well, 
it cion't make any partickelar difference, only I jest want to advise 
you not to marry a furriner, fur it is likely to make a disturbance in 
the family. Now there was Becky Bradley, she married Patrick 
McManus, he was jest a raw Irishman, aud they never could git 
along. Patrick wanted to keep the pig in one corner of the 
house jest as he'd been used to doin' in Ireland, and Becky wouldn't 
hear to sich doin's and they had trouble about that and half a dozen 



80 SCENE IN A RAILWAY STATION, 

other things, and awhile they had a split and Becky went one 
road and Patrick went the other. JNo, don't never marry a fur- 
riner. 

Bryan, This ould gal is givin* us all a lick wid her tongue. 
Shine now an' I think it wasn't any wondher that her Anthony run 
away from her. 

Mrs* P. Silence, sir. Didn't you say that the two o'clock train 
would leave at halt-past five? Sir, you are a falsifies tor and an 
Irishman. You wanted to poke your Inn at a poor lone woman, 
but I kalkilate I am able to take keer of myself. Now, sir, you'd 
better not talk any more or I'll give you a whop with my carpet- 
bag. 

Bryan. I haven't anything more to say. I am intirely spach- 
less. 

John Smith. ( Opening window. ) Any tickets wanted ? 

Ralph. (Going to window.) Yes, I want a ticket to Bnnkaw- 
town. Give me two tickets. 

Mrs. P. La sakes ! does it take two tickets to kerry a furriner ? 

Ellen. Old woman, you have too much talk. Attend to your own 
business and let other people attend to theirs. 

Mrs* P. Gracious Peter ! Then he must be a beau of your'n 
when you speak up that way. Well, I wouldn't marry a furriner ; 
leastwise, I wouldn't marry a furriner when he has sich a weak 
stummick. 

Ralph. (Retiring from the window.) There aw a gweat many 
fools in this countwy. 

Mrs. P. And hev you got any in the furrin land which you cum 
from? 

Bryan. ( Going to window. ) I wont a ticket to Hagenstown, fur 
ye see I want to be afther gittin' away from this ould carpet- 
bagger. 

Mrs. P. I'm an old carpet-bagger, am I? (Striking him over 
the head with her carpet-bag. ) Take that, you old son of a gun. 
I guess you feel that I am a carpet-bagger now, don't you ? 

Bryan. Be the powers, ould woman, if I double up me fist an' hit 
ye on the nose I'll stop yer jawin\ 

John Smith. Here's your ticket. 

Mrs. P. And you'd strike a woman, would you? Shame on 
you. 

Bryan. An' do ye think I'll sthand here an' let ye bang me over 
the head wid yer ould carpet-bag? Never! Shure an' I won't be 
slammed around by no ould crazy woman. 

Mrs. P. Do you say I'm an ould crazy woman ? If I give you 
another whop with my carpet-bag I'll knock you as flat as a 
flounder. Git away from the winder, you ugly Irishman ; I want to 
buy my ticket. (Bryan moves away from the window. 

William. I'd shoost as lief as not make you a bresent of a 
dicket. 



SCENE IN A RAILWAY STATION. 81 

Mrs. P. Oh, you are sich a good man ! The German popelation 
is so much better than the Irish popelation. You hev some feelin's 
and symphonies for a lone woman who has lost her pardner, but that 
Irishman doesn't know nothin'. Your kindness has teched my heart- 
strings and made them jingle. 

William, Oh, dot is notings. I vould shoost as liefpuy a dicket 
for a goot, nice vomans like you as nod. ( To John Smith. ) Gif me 
dwo dickets. 

John Smith, Where to ? 

William. T'under! I forgot. (To Mrs. Pegg.) Vere do you 
t'iuk you vant to go ? 

Mrs. P. To Bunkertown. Oh, you are sich a sweet, scientific 
man ! 

Ralph, Gwacious ! what vulgaw cweatures ! 

William, ( To John Smith. ) Dwo dickets vich vill dake a shen- 
dleman und a lady to Punkertown. 

Bryan. Be jabers, an' I think the ould woman is goin' to drap her 
Anthony, an' cling to the Dutchman. 

Mrs. P. What's that you say ? 

Bryan. I say ye are an ould fooL 

Mrs. P. I'll settle your business. (Rushes at him and raises hei* 
carpet-bag.) Vm an old carpet-bagger, am I? (Strikes him.) 
There ! isn't that well done fur a carpet-bagger ? 

Ralph, i Seizing Mrs. Pegg's arm.) Hold! wash woman, what 
Would you do ? Stay youaw awm. 

M>s. P. I don't want any of your furriu talk. Let go my arm. 
I'll give you a whop too, and I 'spect it will be as good fur you as a 
dose of catnip tea. (Strikes Ralph Rufus with her carpet-bag.) 
There ! how do you like that, you dandified furriner ? 

Ralph. You aw an old wepwobate. 

Ellen. She ought to be sent to a lunatic asylum. 

Mt s. P. Send me to a lunatic asylum, eh ? I guess I'll hev to 
give you a whop too. 

Ralph. This woman must be suppwessed. 

B*-yan, (Advancing. ) Be the howly jaminikers, an' me timper's 
gittin' up. Lit us tie the ould haythin. 

William. T'under ! Now I shoost dell you you'd petter nod 
douch dot voman. I vill fighd mighty pig loud if you comes near. 

Bryan. Come on. 

(Bryan Malone and Ralph Rufus rush up to seize Mrs. Pegg. 
She strikes furiously and knocks them down. 

Mrs. P. Yes, come on. Come on, you ugly Irishman ; come on, 
you slim furriner. (Swings her carpet-bag. ) Hurrah fur the Star- 
Spangled Banner! My name is Prudence Pegg, and I never falter 
nor fall back. 

John Smith, Train's coming ! 

(Scream of a steam whistle heard. Bryan and Ralph rise and 
all the characters rush out as the curtain falls. 



A PANTALOON FIGHT. 



IN ONE SCENE, 



(83) 



A PANTALOON FIGHT 



:o:~ 



CHARACTERS. 



Miss Abagail Dovetail, | ^ 7 , 1/r ., 
Miss Mibanda Pickens, } 0ld Mauis - 
Jeduthan Wingekly, An Old Bachelor, 



COSTUMES.— MODERN. 

PROPERTIES. 
Clothes line. A pair of pantaloons to tear apart ■ 



(84) 



A PANTALOON FIGHT. 



Scene. — A Lavon. A clothes line drawn across the stage at back, and 
a pair of pvntaloons hanging thereon. 

Enter Abagajcl Dovetail, l. 

Abagail* Oh, I so love to wander near to Jeduthan's Louse and 
meditate and think and ponder and hang around. Soon I sbill 
live here aud Jeduthan shill be all my own, and so shill all these 
surroundin's. Those apple trees shill be mine and those peach 
trees and them sheep and those cows and them hop vines and i hose 
tall and majestic sun flowers and them chicken coops and those 
hollyhocks and that smoke house — all, all shill be mine. And dear 
Jeduthan shill be mine too. Oh ! how my heart jumps up into my 
throat when I think of these things. Jeduthan hasn't jest said 
the word yet, but he loves me, yes, I know he loves me, and he'll 
come to the p'int before many days. He looks at me lovin'ly and 
he sithes and sithes when I am near to him, and I know he would 
hev perposed long ago, but he is so very bashful. I hev been 
endeavorin' to help him along, but somehow he can't say the 
words which would make him a happy man. I s'pose, under the 
existin' circumstances it wouldn't be improper fur me to ax him, 
but I shrink from doin' that until the last extremity. I think I 
would feel happier if he would ax me, but if he can't get it did 



86 A PANTALOON FIGHT. 



I shill not shrink from my duty in the tryhy hour ; I shill ax him 
rather than lose him. Oh ! I could not think of losing dear 
Jeduthan. The thought of sich a thing is painful and 'terrify in'. 
There is a pair of his dear tronserloous hangiu' out on that clothes 
line. How I love them trouserloous ! I kin skeercely keep from 
runnin' up and einbracin' them. I do wish Jeduthan would dis- 
charge that family which is keepin' house fur him and take me into 
his abode. Oh ! we could be as happy as two pigs in a potato 
patch, or to speak more poetically, we could be as happy as two 
woodpeckers in a bird's nest. I wonder if it would be a sin to 
steal them trouserloons. How I should like to take them home 
with me. Then I could hang them over the back of a chair and 
it would seem so home-like. I would not feel so lonely in my 
dwellin' if I jest had them trouserloons to hang by the fireside. I 
would jest sit and think about Jeduthan all day long. I believe 
I'll take them along with me. But I see some of the Jones family 
walkin' around. I'll step aside until they hev disappeared and then 
I'll seize them trouserloons. (Melt b. 

Enter Miranda Pickens, l. 

Miranda. I seed somebody jest agoin' out behind the bushes and 
it 'pears to me that it is that meddlesome old maid Abagail Dovetail. 
I wonder what she's a hoveriu' around on Jeduthan's grounds fur. 
"Well, if I. was her I wouldn't be ketched hoverin' around about 
Jeduthan's house. But she's got the likin's fur him so dreadful 
bad that she'd do a'most anything. She is one desateful old sarpent. 
What business has she to be likin' Jeduthan Wingerly when him 
and me are jest about the same as engaged to each other ? Jeduthan 
hasn't jest said the word yet, but it will come to that purty soon. 
I know he loves me deeply and botanically, fur he looks at me in a 
lovin' way and he sitches a great deal and his heart thumps in a 
terrifyin' manner when he is near to me. Oh ! I shill be so happy 
when I am united to my dear Jeduthan. Then these grounds shill 
all be mine ; that pig pen shill be mine and that smoke-house 
shill be mine. But these are nothin' when I think that Jeduthan 
shill be mine and I shill be Jeduthan's. When the Jones family 
are turned out of this place and I hev become Jeduthan's pardner 
I will fix things up around here. See them posey beds how they are 
goin' to destruction ! See that gate how it is hangin' on one 
hinge ! Oh ! I think it is sad fur Jeduthan to put off axin' me to 
be his pardner. He should turn out them Joneses soon, or every- 
thing around here will go to ruin, and it will be so hard fur 
me to get things straignteued up when I come here as Jeduthan's 
bride. (Sees the pantaloons on the clothes line J Ah! there is dear 
Jeduthan's breeches a hangin' onto the clothes line. I s'pose 
Mrs. Jones has been a washin' them. What beautiful trouserloons 
them breeches are I How my heart leaps when I look upon them, 



a Pantaloon fight. 87 



and how my thoughts run out after Jednthan. Excellent man! 
He is now away from home and Mrs. Jones has been washin' Lis 
trouserloons. I wonder if it would be a sin fur me to steal them 
trouserloons. Under present circumstances, I don't spose it would, 
Jeduthau and me are almost the same as united. Some day soon 
I'll be bisen and he'll be mine, so it can't be very wicked fur to 
borrer his trouserloons until that happy time arrives. It may be 
that there are holes in them trouserloons, far I jest expect tbat 
Mrs. Jones doesn't attend to them right. It would only be doiu* 
my duty as a Christian woman to take them trouserloons borne with 
me and set some patches upon the weak places. Yes, I'll take them 
home with me, fur it will be takin' some of the work off my 
hands which will devolve upon me when I become Jeduthan's 
pardner. I expect there will be a heap of patchin' to do. And 
then how comfortable it will be to hev them trouserloons in the 
house It will keep me continnerally reminded of the happy 
day which is soon to arrive. And if Jeduthan should delay fur 
to ax me I kin stuff them trouserloons with straw or somethin' 
or another and set them up on a chair and then sich a happy 
fireside as we will hev ! I kin then imagine that Jeduthan is 
sittin' there, and I kin talk to them trouserloons jest as I would 
talk to Jeduthan. Yes, I will take them trouserloons. Takin' 
everything into consideration I thiuk it would be right and proper 
fur me to do so. (Goes vp to the line and removes the pantaloons. J 
And these are Jeduthan's trouserloons. How my heart thrills as I 
hold them up! (Looking them over.) I expect there's some holes 
in them. Yes, here's a hole in the knee. 1 will set a strong and 
excellent patch upon this knee and then these trouserloons will 
be almost as good as new. Can it be that I hold in my hands 
a pair of Jeduthan's trouserloons? Can it be than these trouser- 
loons hev been worn by Jeduthan? Is it possible that Jeduthan 
and these trouserloons are all to be mine some day? Yes, it is 
possible. The world seems bright and happy to me now. 

Enter Abagail Dovetail, b. 

Abagail, You old reprobate, what are you doin' with them trouser- 
loons ? 

Miranda. (Endeavoring to conceal them.) Abagail Dovetail, what 
business hev you here ? 

Abagail. Mind your own affairs, Miranda Pickens, but drop them 
trouserloons. 

Miranda. What are you talkin' about? What do you mean by 
speakin' of trouserloons ? 

Abagail You hev Jeduthan's trouserloons under your shawl. You 
can't tool me. I saw you pullin' them off the Hue. 

Miranda. How dare you speak of sich an absurd thing? Abagail 
Dovetail, you are a meddlesome old maid. 



88 A PANTALOON FIGHT. 

Abagail. What's that you say ? But I will not fight with you on 
Jeduthan's grounds. I hev this to say, however, you'd better drop 
them trouserloons. 

Miranda. (Holding up the pantaloons. ) Yes, I hev a pair of 
trouserloons here, and I don't care who knows it. They are Jedu- 
than's trouserloons and I hev a right to take them jest wherever I 
want to. 

Abaga'd. Take my betrougheled husband's trouserloons, will you ? 
Well, I'll see about that. Drop them trouserloons. 

Miranda. Jeduthan isn't your betrougheled husband, nohow. 
He wouldn't look at sich an ugly old maid as you are. 

Abagail. Don't give me any of your sass. I know somethin' 
which you don't know, but I ain't goin' to tell you everythin. Drop 
them trouserloons. 

Miranda. You needn't say drop them trouserloons, fur I sha'n't 
do it. Jeduthan and me is to be pardners soon, and I'm goin' 
to take these trouserloons home and put a patch on the left 
knee. 

Abagail. That isn't so. Jeduthan and you will never be pardners 
fur he is jest as good as ingaged to me. And if I was you I'd be 
ashamed of myself to be a sneakin' round here and stealin' old 
breeches. 

Miranda. Abagail Dovetail, you'd better git off these grounds 
purty quick now. These are my grounds and I won't hev no old 
reprobates here. 

Abagail. Well, I kin tell you that I'll stay here jest as long 
as I hev a mind to. These ain't your grounds and you're makin' 
a dunce of yourself a runnin' around here and huntin' after Jedu- 
than. 

Miranda. And what are you doin' here? Ain't you sneakin' 
round tryin' to git a look at Jeduthan? Didn't I see you goin' 
in behind them bushes? I jest tell you 'tain't no use fur you 
to try to ketch Jeduthan, fur him and me is jest as good as in- 



Abagail Don't give me none of your sass, but [drop them trou- 
serloons. 

Miranda. I won't drop them trouserloons, so now ! Do you think 
I'm goin' to give up my Jeduthan's trouserloons ? 

Abagail. Drop them trouserloons, I say, or I'll tear them all into 
flinders. 

Miranda. I ain't afeared of you. If you come near me I'll wallop 
these trouserloons around your head. 

Abagail. Wallop me with my Jeduthan's trouserloons? I dare 
you to do sich a thing. 

Miranda. I jest tell you you'd better keep your distance or you'll 
git walloped. 

Abagail. Miranda Pickens, I ain't afeared of you. You think 
you kin skeer me, but the Dovetails ain't people that kin be 



A PANTALOON FIGHT, 89 

Bkeered very easy. Once more I command you to drop them trou- 
berloons. 

Miranda. You may command from now till dooms-day, but I 
tell you I will never give up my Jeduthan's tronserloons. What! 
drop these tronserloons ? Drop Jeduthan's tronserloons when me 
and Jeduthan are to be pardners for life? Never! So you kin do 
your worst. 

AbagaiL Miranda Pickens, I don't want to git up a scrimmage 
right here near to Jeduthan's house, and so I would calmly advise 
you to leave this place instantly. I would also advise you to drop 
them tronserloons. 

Miranda, Never! I hev said it and I will stick to it. Abagail 
Dovetail, you are an old rioter and a reprobate and I tell you once 
more if you come near to me I will wallop you over the head with 
these tronserloons. 

Abagail. Whose afeared? (Rushes in upon Miranda.) Drop 
them tronserloons. 

Miranda. Never, while my name is Pickens. 

(They commence to fight and struggle. 

Abagail. You old thing, let go them tronserloons. 

Miranda, Never ! I shill cling to them forever. You old Jezebel, 
stop pulling my hair. (She releases herself, steps back and brings 
the pantaloons with a furious sweep over the head of Abagail. ) There ! 
how do you like that, you old Dovetail ? 

Abagail (Straightening herself up. ) Land of Kephidam ! is it 
possible that I hev been walloped over the head with a pair of Jedu- 
than's trouserloons ? Now then, fur vengeance. (She rushes in, 
uresis the pantaloons from Miranda and wallops her over the head 
with them,) How do you like that, you old forkentine? (Strikes 
her again.) How do you like that, you old hornet? (Strikes her 
again. ) How do you like that, you old ginger-snap ? 

Miranda. (Rushing in and seizing one of the legs of the pantaloons. ) 
Let go, I tell you. You shall not maugle Jeduthan's trouserloons. 
(Abagail pulls at one leg and Miranda at the other.) If you tear 
these trouserloons I will be avenged. 

Abagail. I will tear thern all into ribbons and carpet-rags before 
I will surrender. Yes, I will tear them into ten thousand pieces. 

( They both pull. 

Miranda. But they are Jeduthan's trouserloons, and if you tear 
them the law will take hold of you. 

Abagail. Who keers fur the law. I will hev these trouserloons or 
they shill be tore into flinders. 

Miranda. Well, I halkilate I kin pull harder'n you. 

Abagail. No, you can't. (They both pull, the pantaloons part in 
Vie middle and they both fall) Now, who's got Jeduthan's trouser- 
loons ? (Abagail and Miranda rise. 

Miranda. Hand over that part of them trouserloons. 



90 a t»ANt aloon figst. 



Abagail. This is the way I'll band it over to yon, 

(Strikes Miranda, over the head with her part of the pantaloons* 

Miranda. I guess two can play at that game. 

(Strikes Abagail over the head xoith her part of the pantaloons* 

Abagail Take that. (Strikes again* 

Miranda. And you take that. (Strikes again. 

Enter Jeduthan Wingerly, r. 

Jedidhan. Halt ! Stop ! What's the meanin' of this rumpus ? 

( They cease striking* 

Abagail She stole your trouserloons. 

Miranda. Aud she tore them in two pieces. 

Abagail 'Tis a falsehood. I didn't. She tore them herself. 
Drive her away. 

Miranda. Abagail has been hidin' behind the bushes and lookitf 
fur you. 

Abagail And Miranda went and took your trouserloons off the 
clothes line. I s'pose she thought if she couldn't git you she'd git 
your trouserloons. 

Jedbthan. I don't understand these doin's. But it seems to me 
you he v both been makin' big fools of yourselves. 

Miranda. Ain't we jest about the same as ingaged, and hadn't 
I a right to come and git your trouserloons so as to patch them ? 

Jedidhan. No, we ain't jest about the same as ingaged. What did 
you come here and tear up my trouserloons fur ? I hev a notion to 
go and sue you by the law. 

Abagail Ah, ha ! old Miranda Pickens, didn't I know how it 
would turn out? Didn't I know you wasn't ingaged? And don't 
you feel tolerable cheap ? He ! he ! Oh, I could laugh all over. 

Miranda. Jeduthan Wingerly, I want to ax you one question ; are 
you ingaged to Abagail Dovetail ? 

Jeduthan. Ingaged to Abagail Dovetail ! Jerusalem ! No, I guess 
not. Who ever thought of sich a thing ? You are a couple of old 
fools and I think you'd better go home. 

Miranda. Do you say I am an old fool? (Strikes him over 
the head with her part of the pantaloons.) Take that, you old 
reprobate. 

Jeduthan. Stop ! Fire ! Murder ! What do you mean ? 

Abagail Do you say I am an old fool ? And do you say you are 
not ingaged to me? (Strikes him over the head with her part of the 
pantaloons. ) Take that, you old hotteutot. 

Jeduthan. Clear out ! Git off my grounds or I'll have you ar- 
rested. 

Miranda. Didn't you say you'd marry me ? (Strikes him. 

Abagail. Didn't you say you'd marry me ? ( Strikes him. 

Jeduthan. Never! I'd rather be hung than marry either of 
you. Marry a couple of old fools who come here and tear up my 



A PANTALOON FIGHT. 91 



Sunday go-to-meetin' breeches ? Thunderation ! The idea is ab- 
surd and preposterous. 

Miranda. Take that, you old reprobate. (Strikes him. 

Abagail. Take that, you old hottentot. (Strikes hirru 

Jeduthan. Thunder Murder ! I guess I'd better fly. 

(Runs out r. , followed by Miranda Pickens and Abagail Dove- 
tail. 

Miranda. ( Striking at him as she goes ord. ) Oh ! you villain. 

AbagaiL (Striking at him as she goes out.) Oh ! you deceitful 
man. 



Curtain. 



A BOYS' MEETING. 



IN ONE SCENE. 



(93) 



A BOYS* MEETING c 



CHARACTERS. 

John Hats. 

Tom Banks. 

Bill Hogan. 

Erastus Robb. 

PoMPiiY Pink, A Colored Boy. 



COSTUMES.— MODERN. 



PROPERTIES. 
Desks, benches, books, slates, and school furniture generally. 



P*) 



A BOYS' MEETING. 



Scene. — A School-Boom. 

Boys all discovered seated. 

John. The question arises in niy mind what are we going to do 
this evening ? 

Tom. We're going to speak. 

Bill And sing. 

Eraslus. Tom told me to come, but I didn't understand what the 
exercises were to consist of. 

Pompey. Bill tole me that he 'spected you was gwine to git 
up a exherbitiou, an' dat you would want me to hab a 'forinance. 

John. You'd be a buster to have a tormance. 

Pompey. Dat's what Tom Scott was sayin' 'bout me. If you 
hab an exherbition I is gwiue to gib a lecture on de diff'reut kind ob 
humbugs. 

John. You are a little humbug yourself. 

Pompey. Well, I is growin' right fast. De folks at home say dat 
I will soon be a kersloshin' big fellow. Eberyt'iug points dat 
way. 

2am. If we are going to do anything to-uight let us commence. 

BUI. How shall we commence ? What shall we do ? 

Eraslus. What did we come for, anyhow ? 



9G 



A BOYS MEETING. 



Pompey. Yo' inns' be a strange lot ob confuselated boys when yo' 
don't know what yo' tyib come fo\ I nebber does nuffni nor goes 
nowhar unless I knows what I is gwine to do. 

Erastus. Can you tell what you came here for ? 

Pompey. I jes' kin. I is come fo' de puppose ob habin' a 'for- 
mance at de exherbition. I is a good 'former when I is sayin' a 
speech or deliberin' a lecture. 

Erastus. Have you been lecturing in different parts of the United 



States ? 

Pompey* 
county. 

Erastus. 

Pompey. 

Erastus. 

Pompey. 

Erastus. 

Pompey. 



Yes, I hab been all ober de Unified States and Beaver 



Do you git well paid for delivering your lecture ? 
Yes, I git mighty heaby pay. 
I suppose you get a hundred dollars a night. 
Oh, more'n dat, more'n dat. 
How much do you get ? 

I git-lemme see — yes, I git, as nigh as I kin recollec', 
ober a t'ousand dollars a year. 

John. Erastus, you shouldn't make that boy tell so many yarns. 

Pompey. He isn't makin' me. I is jest tellin' them myse'f. 

John. Dou't you know you shouldn't tell lies ? 

Pompey. Is dat a fac' ? Sam Jones Johnson says he makes his 
libin' by tellin' lies. 

John. Well, if Sam Jones Johnson tells lies he will come to a bad 
end ; and so will you. 

Pompey. I don't t'iuk I ought to be sent to a bad end jes' because 
Sam Jones Johnson tells lies. 

John. I meant that if Sam Jones Johnson told lies he would 
come to a bad end, and if you tell lies you will come to a bad 
end. 

Pompey. Dat will be two bad ends, one fo' Sam Jones Johnson 
and one fo' me. How does a person circumboberate aroun' so as to 
come to de bad end yo' speak ob ? 

John. I will tell you. A boy — we will say a colored boy — com- 
mences to tell lies, after that he steals something, then he fights, 
drinks, robs, gambles and murders. Then he gets hanged, and that's 
the bad end. 

Pompey. Dat is a drefful state ob affairs. I will nebber tell 
anodder whopper, no nebber, not even if I shouldn't make half a 
libin'. 

John. That's right ; stick to that and you may become a great 
man. Can you name one great man who would not tell a lie ? 

Pompey. I spec' I could name five or six, or mebbe I could name 
half-a-dozen if I would try extawordinary hard. 

John. But I want you to name a man who would not tell a lie 
when he was a boy. He was a President of the United States. 

Pompey. Will I git to be Prezzledent ob dese Umtled States if I 
don't do no mo' lyin' ? 



A boys' meeting. 97 

John. I can't say, but I hardly think you will. Now tell me the 
name of the President who wouldn't tell a lie when he was a 
boy. 

Pompey. And did he git to tellin' lies when he got to be a 
man ? 

John. No ; but you haven't answered my question. AVhat is 
the name of the President who wouldn't tell a lie when he was a 
boy ? 

Pompey. Oh, dat was Bill Smith. 

John. No, Pompey, you are mistaken. Bill Smith never was 
President of the United Sttites. 

Pompey. Den I spec' it mast hab been Jim Crow or Dan Bice. 

John. No, sir ; it was George Washington. 

Pompey. Ob, yes ! I used to know dat feller, first rate. 

John. What feller? 

Pompey. George Washtenon. 

John. Be careful, Pompey, you're telling fibs again. 

Pompey. No, sah, I'se telling de truf. George Washtenon libs 
down to Bulgertown an' he dribes a fo' boss team. I'se correc' about 
dat matter. 

Tom, John, if you are going to talk to Pompey all night we'll not 
get anything done. 

John. Well, what do you want to do ? Proceed, and Pompey and 
I will drop our conversation. 

Tom. We want to prepare for our school exhibition. We want 
to speak and sing and make all necessary arrangements. 

John, Then, as the first performance, I think you should make a 
stump speech, or any other kind of a speech you may choose to give 
us. What do you all say ? 

BUI. Yes, let us have a speech. 

Erasius. Speech ! speech ! 

Pompey. I am in favor ob bavin' de gemman speak 'fore dis 
assembly. 

Tom. (Rises.) Ladies and gentlemen 

Pompey. Hold on dar, dat's one big awful mistake. 

Tom. What is the mistake ? 

Pompey. Don't you see dar ain't no ladies and gemmen heah? 
Dey is all boys. 

Tom. You are correct. 

Pompey. I is about a'mos' correc' purty neah all de time. 

Tom. I will commence again. Fellow citizens, this is a world— 
in other words I mean we live in the world. 

Pompey. (Aside.) Dat's a fac\ fo' de world don't lib in us. 

Tom. There are a great many people in the world, and in spite 
of the depressions and discouragements — yes, fellow citizens, as I 
said before, we live in this world, and I might add that this is 
an age of improvement. Sometimes wo think and sometimes we 
don't 



98 A boys' meeting. 

Pompey. (Aside.) I t'ink he jes* don't know ixactly what he is 
talkin' about. 

Tom* (Continuing his speech.) If the sun in yonder heaven 
should be knocked from its sphere or if the moon should refuse 
to give us light what would be done? In all seriousness I put 
this question to you. Have you thought the matter over ? Have 
you dwelt upon it as I have, in the silence of the midnight hour. 
No, fellow citizens, I don't think you have. And this reminds me 
of a little circumstance which occurred recently. It is about a 
man who came into the kitchen and ;ibout a woman who struck 
for her rights. He was a farmer, she was his wife. She was 
cleaning house and he had been plowing. The dinner horn had 
sounded and he had come home to take a "dry bite." He didn't 
expect anything more, for when a woman cleans house, you know, 
she doesn't take time to cook, you know. He didn't expect much, 
and he got more than he expected, but it was of a different quality 
and taste. Alas ! alas ! If he had known the sorrow and heart-ache 
and the rest of those things which awaited him he would have 
stayed in the field until after harvest. But we never know what 
wash day or a cleaning day may bring forth. Now anybody knows 
that when you plow the virgin soil will cling to your boots. It was 
so in this case. The man came in at the kitchen door and broke 
for the water pail to quench his raging thirst. "You big fool," 
screamed his wife, "don't you see my clean floor? And jest look 
at your boots!" The man had plowed up a yellow jacket's nest 
that afternoon and he had been stung on both hands and both 
legs, above one eye and below the other and he wasn't in a good 
humor- he felt that he was about worked up to that pitch when 
he could strike for his altar and his fire. " Blarst your clean floor !" 
he exclaimed. That was all the man said. The next instant, or 
perhaps I might say in the last half of that same instant, the woman 
doubled her fist and struck him on the neck, just below the paroge- 
flimakadimity of the bobaflustakarusity and just above the leadpen- 
cilum of the wobblegobble, and he came down on the floor kerwhop. 
The woman's wrath knew no bounds. "You'll walk on my clean 
floor, will you? And she kersloused the floor cloth around his 
head. "You'll say, * Blarst your clean floor, will you?'" And she 
emptied a tub of soap suds upon him. "You'll bring your dirty 
boots in here, will you ?" And she rammed a bar of soap into his 
mouth. That man was a subdued man, and it might be remarked 
that the plow stood still in the field that afternoon. (Sits down. 

Pompey. What a drefful comboberation to hab in a well regelated 
family ! 

John. Tom, do you call that a speech ? 

Pompey. I call it an awful big lie. If yo' keeps goiu' on dat way 
yo' will nebber git to be a George Washtenon and dribe a fo' hoss 
team down in Bulgertown. 

Tom. How sad ! 



A boys' meeting. 99 

Erastus. I am not a speaker, but I think I can make a better 
speech than Tom has made. 

Tom. We are ready to hear you. 

Bill. Speech ! speech ! 

Erastus. ( Rising. J " I come not here to talk." 

Pompey. Den what under de sun did yo' come fo' ? 

Eras t us. You young rascal, I want you to keep silent. 

Pompey. All right, 111 do my bes' but I spec' I won't succeed. 

Erastus. (Commencing again. J — 

" I come not here to talk. You know r too well 
The story of our thraldom. We are slaves ! 
T:ie bright tun rises to his course and lights 
A race of slaves ! He sets, and his last beams 
Fall on a slave ; not such as swept along 
By the full tide of power, the conqueror led 
To crimson glory and undying fame : 
But base, ignoble slaves ; slaves to a horde 
Of petty tyrants, feudal despots, lords, 
Rich in some dozen paltry villages ; 
Strong in some hundred spearmen ; only great 
In that strange spell ; a name," 

John. Stop ! 

Tom. Halt ! 

Bill. That's enough, 

Eraslus. Why am I interrupted. ^__ 

Pompey. Dats what I call downright bad conduc' to stop a man 
when he is speakin\ 

Tom. I thought you were going to make a speech. 

Eraslus. And wasn't I making a speech ? 

Tom. No, yea were only speaking "Rienze's Address to the 
Romans." My speech was extemporaneous. Can't you make one of 
the same kind ? 

Erastus. Yes, I can make any kind of a speech. (Speaks. 

"On to Freedom ! on to Freedom ! 

'Tis the everlasting cry 
Of the floods that strive with ocean — 

Of the storms that smite the sky ; 
Of the atoms in the whirlwind, 

Of the seed beneath the ground — . 
Of each living thing in Nature 

That is bound. 
'Twas the cry that led from Egypt, 

Through the desert wilds of Edom ; 
Out of darkness — out of bondage — 

On to Freedom ! on to Freedom I" 



100 A BOXS* MEETING. 



John. Stop ! 
Tom. Halt! 
Bill. That's enongh. 
Erastus. Why am I again interrupted ? 

Pompey. Dat is outrageous bad conduc' to stop the speech befo' 
it is done. 
John. Can't you speak extemporaneously ? 

Pompey. Dat was what I'd call an exswamporaneous good speech. 
Erastus. I can speak any kind of a speech. 
John. Shall we give him another trial ? 
Tom. Yes, let him make another effort, 

Pompey. Ob course. I don't like to see a gemman stopped 
speakin* befo' he gits commenced. 

Erastus. I will commence again, and I hope you will not inter- 
rupt me. (Speaks.) Mr. President, it is natural for man to indulge 
iH the illusions of hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against a 
painful truth, and listen to the song of that siren till she trans- 
forms us into beasts. Is this the part of wise men, engaged in a 
great and arduous struggle tor liberty? Are we disposed to be 
of the number of those, who, having eyes, see not, and, having ears, 
hear not the things which so nearly conce:*is their temporal sal-, 
vation ? For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am 
willing to know the whole truth ; to know the worst, and to provide 
for it. 
John. Stop ! 
Tom. Halt ! 
Bill. That's enough. 

Pompey. That was anodder exswamparaneous buster ob a good 
speech an* de gemman has been stopped again befo' he has got 
commenced. Now if dar is any mo' ob sich perceedin's, I shall git 
up and leabe de meetin' an* retire in disgus'. 
Tom. Then the meeting would be broken up. 
M'astus. I will not speak any more. 
Pompey. De speaker has been treated mos' absurdly. 
Erastus. That's true, Pompey. Bill, you can take my place and 
make a speech. (Sits down. 

Bill. I didn't come to speak ; I came to sing. 
Pompey. I 'spec's I'll hab to make a mos' exswamparaneous 
speech. 
John. Let us have Bill's song. 
Tom. A song ! a song ! 
Pompey. I'se a putty good singer too. 
Bill. What shall I sing ? 
John. Suit yourself. 
Tom. Make your own selection. 

Pompey. De •* Todder Side ob Jordan " is a putty good song. 
Bill. I will sing the " Grave of Bonaparte." 



A boys' meeting. 101 

SONG.— Bell Hogan. 
" Bonaparte's Grave," * 

V On a lone, barren isle, where the wild roaring billows, 

Assail the stern rock, and the loud tempests rave, 
The hero lies still, while the dew drooping willows, 

Like fond weeping mourners lean over the grave. 
The lightnings may flash and the loud thunders rattle, 

He heeds not, he hears not, he's free from all paiu ; 
He sleeps his last sleep, he has fought his last battle, 

No sound can awake him to glory again — 

No sound can awake him to glory again. 

Yet, spirit immortal, the tomb cannot bind thee, 

For like thine own eagle that soared to the suu, 
Thou springest from bondage, and leav'st behind thee 

A name, which, before thee, no mortal had won. 
Though nations may combat, and war's thunders rattle, 

No more on thy steed shalt thou sweep o'er the plain ; 
Thou sleep'st thy last sleep, thou has fought thy last battle, 

No sound can awake thee to glory again — 

No sound can awake thee to glory again. 

Oh, shade of the mighty, where now are the legions, 

That rushed but to conquer when thou led'st them on ? 
Alas ! they have perished in far chilly regions, 

And all save the fame of their triumph is gone. 
The trumpet may sound, and the loud cannon rattle, 

They heed not, they hear not, they're free from all pain ; 
They sleep their last sleep, they have fought their last battle. 

No sound can awake them to glory again — 

No sound can awake them to glory again. 

Pompey. Now I spec's de time hab come fur me to make an ex- 
swamparaneous speech. 

Tom. On what subject do you propose to speak ? 

Pompey. Oh, I can speak on mos' any subjec', but I spec's I can 
speak better on the subjec' ob apples dan any odder. 

John. Then we will hear Pompey speak on the subject of 
"Apples." 

Pompey. (Rises. J De apple is a vegumtable which grows upon 
de apple tree. De apple tree mos'ly grows in de orchard but some- 
times 'casionally one ob dem will find itself growin' in de corner ob 
de fence, or out upon de road, so dat the hogs can root about its 

* If the person representing the character of Bill Hogan cannot sing the 
above song, another can be substituted. 



1C2 a boys' meeting. 

roots. Yo' scarcely ebber make saw logs ont ob de apple tree an* 
dis arises from de fac' dat de apple tree doesn't grow big enuff to 
make saw logs, or dat de wood is too vallyble to make into board 
an' shingles an 1 sich things. Deie is difTrent kinds of apple trees 
an* likewise dere is d iff 'rent kinds ob apples. De rombo is a buster 
ob an apple. He grows upon de rombo tree, Yo' sca'cely ebber 
find a King ob Thompson's county or a Shipnose Peepin' growin* 
upon a rombo tree. An what is de cause ob dat fac' ? De cause 
ob dat fac' is from de simple reason dat ebery tree urns' Lab an 
apple ob its own. Does de Rhode Island greening grow upon it 
rombo tree ? Does de Bellflower grow upon de Golden Gate tree ? 
No, siree. Sich isn't de case nohow. 

Tom. I Lave seon ram bo apples growing upon trees that were not 
rombo trees. 

Pompey. Dat is one falsettofication, it is one whoppin' big lie. 
Sich doin's would be contrary to human natur' among apple trees. 
It would be absurd and ridickelmus fur sich things to occur. I hurl 
back the aspersion an' I say dat it is von awful big lie. Who ebber 
did heah ob sich a thing ? 

John. Pompey, don't you know that a rambo graft can be put 
upon an apple tree of another kind ? 

Pompey. I don't know nufiiu 'bout gratis. I nebber beerd ob 
sich things, and 'sides dat I am makin' dis speech an' I don't want 
to be interrupted. I is speakin' about de apple, an' I was gittin' 
along ver' well until yo' fellers got to interrupplin' me. Now I is 
goin' to perceed and speak 'bout de apple an' I tell yo' all by dese 
presents dat I mus' hab order when I am speakin' on the vital an* 
'portant questions ob de present day. De apple is an excellent con- 
diment to eat wid de mouf. But dere is some people dat would 
prefer to hab dem cooked, an' dere is some dat would a heap ruther 
hab dem made into apple sass. Apple sass is good fur the consti- 
tushun an' also fo' de health. Dere is va'rus kinds ob apples in dis 
section ob de country. Dere is de rambo an' de fall pippin an' de 
bell flower an' de early rose an' de peach blow an' de Hubbard an' 
de Coneord an' a good many mo* which I don't now jis' disrecollec' 
ob. 

Bill. Is there an apple called the perch blow ? 

Pompey. Dere, yo' is interrupplin' me again. How can yo' ex- 
pec' me to make a decent an' presentable speech when yo' is speakin* 
up all de time an' axin' me intemperate questions ? Now I want yo* 
to take dis matter into yore considerumption. I didn't interrupple 
yo' when yo' was singin* yore song, I didn't interrupple Tom when 
he was tellin' about dat comboberation in de bosom ob a respectable 
family, an' I didn't interrupple 'Bastus when he was speakin' his 
pieces. Take dese t'iugs into yore considerumption an' don't speak 
to me so as to spoil de looks ob my speech. 

John. Proceed, Pompey, and we will endeavor to preserve order. 

Pompey. Well, as I was jes' takin' occasion to say, de apple is a 



A boys' meeting. 103 

splendid condiment to eat wid de mouf. Yo' can make de apple into 
apple sass, an' also into apple butter. Apple butter is much sought 
after an' hunted aroun T fo' by de people ob de present day. Dis 
article ob human eatin' is made in dis manner. Fust yo' git a long 
pole or stick an' second yo' git a short board into which by de aid ob 
an auger yo' change into a board containin' many holes ob de size ob 
de auger which yo' hab had de honor ob usin'. Dis board yo' fasten 
to de long pole or stick an' den yo' hab what is called in geography 
as de apple butter stir — no, not de apple butter stir, but de apple 
butter stir 

&!in. You mean the apple butter stirrer. 

Pompey. De fac' ob de matter is I isn't goin' to stan* dese inter- 
ruppletions. I don't git fairly started until some ob yo' speak up 
an' bodder me. I couldn't jes' say apple butter stir — dat is, I mean I 
couldn't jes' say apple butter stir — yo* know what I mean — on 
account ob de precocity ob my mouf, but dere was no call fur any- 
body to speak up an' endeavor to put me right. Dere is one t'ing 
which I wish to be disrecollected, an' dat is dat I is de feller dat is 
lnakiu' dis speech. An' now habin' got dis thing fixed I shill per- 
ceed wid my speech about de apple. After yo' hab got yore apple 
butter stir— dat thing, yo' know — after yo' hab got it made, yo' take 
some apples an' yo' also take a knife ob some description an' yo' 
go to work to pare dem aforesaid apples. Dis is done by com- 
mencin' at one end ob de apple an' parin' away patiently until yo' 
git to de odder end. When de apples is all pared yo' cut dem into 
pieces an' souse dem into a copper kittle or a brass kittle or some 
instrument ob dat kin', an' den yo' bile an' stir an' stir an' bile an' 
pour in lasses an' cider, an' bile an' stir, an' keep on pourin' in more 
'lasses an' cider, an' if yo* do de business right yo' hab some fust 
class apple butter. Ob course dere is sich a thing as habin' good 
apple butter an' dere is also sich a thing as habin' bad apple butter. 
If I was wantin' to make de bes' kin' ob apple butter I would take de 
bes' kin ob rombo apples an' den I would hab rombo cider and den 
I would git dem well kersloshed an' biled, an' I think dat kin' ob 
apple butter would be putty hard to beat. In dis worl' ob ours dere 
is some people dat can't jist git along berry well unless dey can 
hab apples mos' all de time. Dey can feel at home an' also hab good 
health if dey can jist git as many apples as dey can pour down. 
Accordin* to dere views ob de matter apples is one ob de staves ob 
life. Apples is a putty good thing to eat when yo' is sittin' roun' 
de house an' ain't doin' much. Many a time have I whiled away a 
lonely hour by eatin' apples, partic'larly rombos. Dere is many 
people dat think dat de rombo is the best apple dat has ever been 
got up, an' I am one as agrees wid dem in dat partic'lar. Yes, feller 
citizens, de rombo is de king ob beasts. 

Tom, I thought it was the lion. 

Poiapey. Dere, I is interrupted again, an' I is jist goin' to stop. 
Dere ain't no use in tryin' to make a good speech in sich a bad com- 



104 A boys' meeting. 

munity. I is intirely disgustified wid dis meet-in' and I isn't goin' 
to Lab anythin' 1110' to do wid yo'. I won't bab nothin' to do wid 
de exherbition which yo' is goin' to git up. Would I associate wid 
fellers dat cau't keep quiet when a geukleman is speakin'? I is 
ashamed ob yo' — yes, I is ashamed ob de hull pack ob you. 

Tom. (Rising. ) I can't stay here and be used up in this man- 
ner Good bye, Pompey. (Exit r. 

Pompey. An' why shouldn't I be ashamed ob yo' ? I ax yo' dat 
question. Yo* habn't used parliamentary manners nohow. Bill 
Hogan, yo' is a rascal an' yo' is no geukleman. 

Bill. (Rising.) Oh, dear! And must I be lashed by Pompey 
Pink? I shall flee. (Exit n. 

Pompey. Don't de white boys ob de present sentinel kuow nufnu 
at all, nohow ? I fling dat question right at yo'. Don't yo' know 
nufnu at all, now? John H&y& an' 'Rastus Robb, yo' don't know 
nufnu, or yo' wouldn't sit an' see me abused ; yo' wouldn't inter- 
rupple me when I am makin' a speech if yo' was genklemen ob 
de pure an' proper kind. I feel like hurlin' thunderbolts upon 
yo'. 

John. I say, Erastus, if he's goin' to hurl thunderbolts we'd better 

fly. 

Erastus. Yes, let us fly. I don't want to be crushed. 

(Exit John Hays and Erastus Robb, b. 

Pompey. Dey is gone, an' dey ought to be ashamed of demselves. 
( Turning and speaking to audience. ) Sich boys is a disgrace to dis 
fo'teenth sentinel. Now I ax yo', ladies an* genklemen, what kin* 
ob a country are we libin' in, an' what do yo' s'pose dis worl' is 
comin'to? But I will now go on wid my speech. Dere is no un- 
genklemanly boys here now to interrupple me. Apples is a vegum- 
table dat grows upon apple trees. Mos' all apple trees grow in 
orchards, which is a place set apart fo' fruit trees. An apple tree is 
a fruit tree. Dat is a fac' which cannot be successfully denied. Dere 
is some apple trees out on de side ob de road sometimes, an' it 
'pears to me dat dey was set dere fo' de purpose ob habin' he hogs 
root aroun' dere roots. Dere is several kin's ob apples, but it 'pears 
to me dat de rombo is de bulliest ob all de apples. De rombo grows 

on de rombo tree and 

( The curtain should fall while Pompey is speaking. 



Curtain, 



A HAPPY FAMILY. 



IN ONE SCENE. 



(M6) 



A HAPPY FAMILY. 



;o:- 



CHARACTERS. 



James Topp, Head of the Family* 
Mrs. Rachel Topp, His Wife. 
Sammy Topp, J 

Johnny Topp, V Their Children, 
Fanny Topp, » 



COSTUMES.— MODERN. 

PROPERTIES. 
Newspaper. Knitting, Stick to whittle. DolL Table. Chairs. 



A HAPPY FAMILY. 



Scene. — A Room. 



Characters all discovered at the rising of the curtain. Mr. Topp read- 
ing a newspaper, Mrs. Topp knitting, Sammy whittling a stick, 
Johnny lying on the floor, Fannie holding a doll in her arms. 

Mrs. Topp. Sammy, stop yer whittlin'. Do you want to Lev 
shavins all over the house. 

Sammy. Yes, all over the house, or all under the house, I ain't 
partic'lar which. 

Mrs % T. You are an imppedent boy and you ought to be lam- 
basted. 

Sammy. Lambasted — what does that mean ? I reckon that's the 
Latin word for lickin'. 

Mrs. T, Well, you'll git a lickin' purty soon if you don't look 
out. 

Sammy. ( Still whittling. ) 1*11 look out then, so's not to git the 
lickin', which means lambastin'. 

Mrs. 1\ Aren't you goiu' to stop yer whittlin'? 

Sammy. No, I guess not, till I git this thing made. 

Mrs. T. You're an awful bad boy. 

Johnny. Harm, if I was in your place I'll bet I'd make him stop 
his whittlin'. 

1107) 



108 A HAPPY FAMILY. 

Sammy. Oh, you dry up. If I was in marm's place I'll bet I'd 
stop you rolliu' over the floor and kickiu' up your heels. 

Johnny. Oh, you ain't of no account. 

Mrs. T. (Angrily. ) Stop your whittlin', I tell j T ou. 

Mr. Topp. (Looking up from his paper.) What's all this rumpus 
and jawin' about ? 

Johnny. Sammy's whittlin' a stick, and puttin' the whittlin's all 
over the floor. 

Mr. T. Is that all? I don't see as you need git up a rumpus 
about that. 

Mrs. T. Oh, I s'pose you think that's nothin', but if you had to 
sweep up the whittliu's maybe you'd make a fuss about it. 

Mr. T. Some women will make a fuss about jest nothin' at 
all. 

Mrs. T. James Topp, you're an unreasonable man— you are a 
tyrant — you hain't got no sense. When I am correctin' one of the 
children I don't want you to commence to jaw about it. 

Mr. T. (Resuming his paper.) I was readin' a very interrestin' 
piece and I'd rather not be disturbed. 

Mis. T. I don't care a snap whether your piece is interestin' or 
not. You've got me aroused now and I am goin' to talk. (Speaking 
very loud,) Aud I'm goin' to talk mighty loud too. 

Mr. T. Go ahead then and I'll hear you through. 

Mrs, T. James Topp, you are a very aggravate' man. When I 
commence to correc' the children you always try to put a stop to it. 
Now, James Topp, I can inform you that we ain't agoin' to hev 
sich doin' here. These children are mine and I am goin' to cor- 
rect them jest whenever I hev a mind to. If I tell Sammy to 
stop his whittlin' he shill stop his whittlin' immediately, and right 
straight upon the spot, and it won't be of any use fur you to 
put in your gab and endeavor to stop me of correctin' my children. 
Sammy has got to be an awful, bad, excruciatin' boy already, and 
it all comes of your interferin' when I commence to correct him. 
How can you expect any good to come of boys when they are not 
brought up in the way they should go? James Topp, you will 
hev a vast amount of sins to answer fur ; you hev been doin' wrong 
fur many years, fur you hev allers endeavored to arrest the rod of 
correction, aud no good will ever come of a man who will do sich 
doin's. But I jest tell you once fur all that we won't hev sich doin's 
around here any longer. It isn't right, and I'm goin' to hev my 
children brought up in the right way. Sammy is a bad, excrucia- 
tin' boy, and he has a bad excruciatin' father, and I am goin' to 
hev things done in a different way about this house. James Topp, 
you are a bad, deceitful, excruciatin' man. Ain't you ashamed of 
yourself and don't you wish you hadn't said anything? 

Johnny. ( To Sammy. ) Ain't marm a pourin' it into him heavy ? 

Sammy. I tell you she's a fiery woman. 

Fanny. Marm, I'd like to have a new dress fur my dollie. 



A HAPPY FAMILY. 109 

Johnny. ( To Fanny.) I wouldn't say much about dollie's dresses 
now. 'Tisn't a good time. 

Sammy. No, the weather's too squally. 

Mrs. T. Shut up, Sam ; you're allers talkin'. Ain't you goin' to 
stop whittlin' that stick ? 

Sammy. Well, I'd rather not, if it's all the same to you. You 
see I'm lnakiu' somethin'. 

Mrs. T. I'd like to know what you're makin\ 

Sammy. Well, I don't want to tell j.^st yet a spell, That's a sort 
of a secret. 

Mrs. T. If I thought you were makin* anything of use I s'pose I 
might let you whittle. 

Johnny. Humph ! he can't make anything that's of any use. 

Sammy. Oh, you keep still. If I was inarm I'd stop your rollin' 
over the floor. 

Johnny* I'd like to know what harm it does to roll over the 
floor. 

Fanny. Couldn't I have a new dress fur my dollie ? 

Mrs. T. Johnny, I guess you'd better git up off the floor. 

Johnny. I can't see as there's anything bad about rollin' over the 
floor. 

Fannie. I'd make him git up. He might hit me with his heels 
when he's roliin' round that way. 

Johnny. (To Fannie.) Keep still, you ugly little girl, or I'll 
smash your doll all to flinders. 

Fannie. He says he'll smash my doll. 

Mrs. T. He'd better not. Johnny, git up off the floor jest this 
minute. 

Johnny* Well, I don't see as there's any harm in rollin' on the 
floor. 

Mrs. T I won't allow you to roll on the floor anyhow, so git up 
this minute. 

Johnny. Well, I s'pose I'll hev to git up, but I don't want to git 
up this minute, I'd rather wait till the next minute. 

Mrs. T. You are an awful bad boy. 

Johnny. Yes, I'm like my brother Sam ; he's an awful bad 
boy. 

Sammy. ( Still whittling. ) You're allers talking when you ought 
to keep quiet. 

Mrs. T. James, what are you keepin' so quiet fur? (Mr. Topp 
doesn't reply.) James, I say, what are you keepin' so quiet fur? 
(Ma. Topp doesn't reply. ) James, you are a blockhead and a numb- 
skull, and a deceitful, excrnciatin' man. I allers like a man to speak 
when he is spoken to ; and all men will speak when they are spoken 
to if tbey know anything at all But, James, you don't know any- 
thing, you never did know anything. You hain't got no sense and 
you ought to be hung. 

Sammy. The old man's a ketchin' it again. 



110 A HAPPY FAMILY. 

Mm. T. Shut up, Sam. And you're a whittlin' yet. Now lay 
down that knife and stop whittlin' jest this minute. 

Sammy. Make Johnny stop rollin' on the floor then. 

Johnny. I won't stop rollin' on the floor till after you stop 
whittlin'. 

Sammy. Well, I ain't goin' to stop whittlin', fur I'm makin' some- 
thin' which will be of some use. 

Johnny. I ain't goin' to stop rollin* on the floor, fur I ain't doin' 
no harm. 

Mrs. T. You're a couple of awful bad boys and you'll both come 
to the gallus some day. 

Johnny. I'll bet Sammy'll git there first; he's the oldest and the 
woistest. 

Mrs. T. James. I wouldn't sit there like a dunce, pertendin' to 
read the paper and sayiu' nothin'. I'd be a man of intelligence if I 
was you. You needn't be so glum because I give you a talkin' to. 
I know how to bring up a family and I don't want to hev no man 
contradictin' my doin's. What would these boys come to if they 
weren't brought up in the right way. 

Johnny. ( To Sammy,) Sammy, what is the galluses ? 

Sammy. You little dunce, don't you know what galluses is? It's 
them things you wear on your shoulders. 

Johnny. I know them's galluses, but I thought the galluses marm 
was talkin' about was somethin' else. 

Sammy. Oh, you don't know much. 

Johnny. Marm, do you wear galluses? 

Mrs. T. Shut up, johnny. Git up and stop rollin* on the floor. 

Johnny. Oh, I ain't doin' no harm rollin' on the floor. If I was 
doin' any harm I would git up, but when I ain't doin' any harm I 
don't see as there's any use in gittin' up. 

Sammy, Marm, I'd make Johnny git up or I'd give him a 
slashin'. 

Johnny. You ought to be slashed fur whittling that stick when she 
told you not to. 

Mrs. T. You're a couple of mighty excruciatin' bad boys. James, 
ain't you goin' to talk any more to-night ? If you ain't, you might as 
well go to bed. You are an awful stubborn man and you sit there 
jest like as if you didn't know nothin'. I'd be ashamed of myself. 
Can't you say nothin' at all? 

Mr. T. You're bringing up this family, ain't you ? 

Mrs. T. Yes, I am, and what have you got to say about it? 

Mr. T. Nothin', only I'm delighted with the prompt manner in 
which Sammy stopped whittlin' and Johnny stopped rollin' on the 
floor when you told them. 

Mrs. T. Oh, you're allers growlin' about somethin'. They ain't 
doin' no harm. ( Commandingly.) Sammy, stop whittlin* this 
minute ; Johnny, get up off the floor immediately. 

Sammy. Oh, I ain't whittlin' very much. 



A HAPPY FAMILY. Ill 

Tommy. I wou't git up, but I'll jest roll around kind of easy. 

Mr. T. You see, Rachel, you have very obedieut children. 

Mrs T. (Angrily.) Who said they were my children ? I reckon 
they're you're children too. They take after you, so they do, and 
they're bad nasty brats. 

Mr. T. Now you go again. 

Sammy. Another storm broke out. 

Johnny. Another Topp gom' to spin. 

Mrs. T. Now, James Topp, I'm goin' to give you a piece of my 
mind. You are a base, excruciatin' man ; you are a villiau ; you 
ought to be ashamed of yourself. What kind of a man are you 
to bring up a family ? You ain't no man at all. You see what these 
boys are comiu* to. 

Mr. T. Yes, I see what you are bringin' them to. 

Sammy. Oh, we're gittin' aloug first rate. 

Johnny. (Boiling over the floor.) Yes, we're rollin' onward. 

Fannie. I'd like to have a new dress fur my dollie. 

Johnny. Don't give it any more dresses ; it might make it feel 
too big for its clothes and maybe it would come to the galluses 
some day. 

Fannie. Oh, you hush up. 

Johnny. Sammy, s'pose we go to bed. 

Sammy. (Dropping his knife and stick. ) I'm agreed. Come on. 

Johnny. (Jumping up. ) Good-night, old folks. Go ahead with 
your jawin*. (Exit Sammy and Johnny, b. 

Mrs. T. There, j t ou see how you're bringin' up your children. 

Mr. T. I thought you said you were bringing them up, and bring- 
ing them up in the right way too. 

Mrs. T. James Topp, I won't talk to you. You are an absurd 
man. Do you call yourself the head of a family ? Purty head of a 
family you are ! 

Mr. T. (Yawning. ) Oh, I'm so sleepy ! I guess I'll go to bed. 

Mrs. T. Yes, that's the way. When I commence to talk to you 
about your duty to your family you git up and go to bed. Now you 
sha'n't go to bed. It isn't treatin' me right. 

Mr. T. Pooh ! you're an old reprobate. (Exit k. 

Mrs. T. Oh, sich a man ! 



Cubtain. 



A FARMERS' MEETING. 



m ONE SCENE. 



(113) 



A FARMERS' MEETING. 



-: o:- 



CHAEACTEES. 

Thomas Yadkin, Hard of Hearing* 
Philip Yokel, A Dutchman, 
Samuel Slope, A Yankee. 
O'Connell Barnes, An Irishman. 
Adam Ackley, A Laughing Man. 
Peter Popples, A Spread-Eagle Orator* 



COSTUMES.— To Suit the Characters. 

PEOPEETIES. 
Desks, &c, to represent a sokool-room. 



(114) 



A FARMERS' MEETING. 



Scene. — A School-Room. 
Characters all discovered seated, 

Peter. (Rising. ) Gentlemen here assembled : It seems to me 
that the time has come for us to organize this meeting and prepare 
to do the work which is before us. Gentlemen, there is a great 
work before us ; yes, a tremendous work, and it seems to me th;it 
we should organize this meeting, and — and — and we should strike 
for our altars and our fires. We live in a rushing world. Every- 
thing around us is going forward with a tremendous whiz, and this 
being the case we cannot afford to sit still and do nothing. No, 
we must be up, we must bestir ourselves, we must rush onward 
and upward or we will be considered of no account, we will be 
considered ciphers, and we will do down to our graves uuwept, 
unhonored and unsung, (Looking at his watch.) If my time is 
right, and I think it is, the hour appointed for the opening of our 
meeting has come. This is an important meeting. We have met 
for the purpese of organizing a Farmers' Club, and we could not 
have met for a more noble purpose. I am a farmer, and I am proud 
to say it. Who is it that peacefully smites the soil and wizard- 
like calls forth the comforts and luxuries of our common life ? I 
answer in joyous accents, it is the farmer. Who is it that rises early 

(116) 



116 a farmers' meeting. 

in the morning, walks out among the dew drops and breathes the 
pure and fragrant air? 1 rejoice to say that it is the farmer. The 
farmer is a happy man. My friends what have we met here for 
this evening? We have met for the purpose of organizing a 
Farmers' Club. Could we have met for a more noble purpose? 
No ! The farmer then with his vine garlanded cottage is a happy 
man. He can sit by his cheerful fireside and feel happy if his cribs 
are full of corn. 

(yConnelL Be jabers, if ye're goin T to talk all night we'll never git 
this matin' stharted. 

Philip. Yas, dat is drne. Tat is t'e use of talkin' all day apout 
shoost notiugs at all ? 

Peter. I see that some of you are getting impatient. I have only 
a few more words to say, and then I will make a motion. 

Philip. Dot is you vill make a motion to sit town. 

Adam. (Laughs.) Ha! ha! Oh, this is such a funny meetin'. 
I was goin' to stay at home owin' to the bad iuclemency of the 
weather, but my wife, her name's Rebecca Jane, she said I'd better 
come and see how you started the meetin'. and I feel glad I did 
come, fur we are haviu' so much fun, ha ! ha ! 

&imuel Wall, neow, I can't see nothin' tew laugh at. 

O'Gmnell. Nor I can't, nayther, but thin it's a dale av a sight bet- 
ther to be laughin' thin to be growlin' about iverything. 

Philip. Veil, I t'inks ve had petter git to doin' some peesness, 
und if ve can't git to doin' dot, I shoost t'inks ve had petter git up 
und go home. I don't vant to sit up all night unless ve can do 
some peesness. I haf to git up purty early in de mornin's on ac- 
gouut dot I haf got to meelk six cows und do a heap of odder 
t'iugs peside. Now I finks ve should somehow git de meetin' 
smarted up so as ve could learn somet'in' apout farmin' und cows 
und not sday here all nighd und do not'ings. 

Samuel. Them's my sentiments, 

Peter. I think when a man rises to make a speech he should be 
allowed to proceed -he should be allowed to continue even though 
his speech should be two hours in length. I only have a few more 
remarks to make, and as I have the floor I shall proceed. I hope 
that tbere is intelligence enough here in Slimtowu to allow a man 
to proceed when he has commenced to speak. It is not necessary 
that we should be unduly exercised about the flight of time. 
Let us spend a few moments in speechifying ; let us enjoy ourselves 
intellectually. Some of you, I know, are not orators, and, therefore, 
you should not endeavor to crush, down those who are orators. I 
feel that I have a gift for making speeches, and it is the great 
delight to me to stand before a bod} 7 of intelligent men, such as 
I stand before to-night, and pour forth words of burning elo- 
quence. 

O'Gmnell. (Aside.) Faix, an' I think the gintleman has licked 
the blarney-stone. 



A FAltMEIts' MEETING. 117 



Peter. As I said before, the farmer is a hippy man and he lives 
a pleasant life. What picture can be painted that is more cheerful, 
more inspiring, more pleasing— more — more — yes, my friends, what 
picture is more cheerful, more inspiring, more allegorical — no, I 
mean 

Samuel I guess yeou mean paregorical. 

Philip. I t'inks dot de sbeaker is apout sboke oud. 

Peter. (Continuing. ) More pleasing, more cheerful, more fruc- 
tifying than the farmer's home ? Look at his vine garlanded cottage, 
his cribs full of corn, his fields and orchards waving with grain and 
fruit. 

Philip. I t'inks you ought to say somet'ings apout his cows, 

O'GonueH. And his pertater patch. 

Peter. Yes, my friends, I will. What can be more cheering than 
to see an honest man like Mr. Yokel out amongst his sleek and well- 
fed cows ? What is more pleasing than to see an honest man like 
Mr. Yokel milking them cows ? 

Philip. Yes, it is pooty nice to meelk cows if you ton't git keeked 
ofer. 

Adam. (Laughs.) Ha! ha! Oh, this is sicli a funny meetin', 
and I'm glad I happened to come. The bad inclemency of the 
weather made me feel like staying at home, but my wife said I 
had better come and see the meetin* gittin' started, and I'm mighty 
glad I did come, fur we are havin' so much fun. Ha ! ha ! 

Thomas. Are you laughin' at me, sir ? 

Adam. No, I wasn't laughin' at you. 

Thomas. What did you say about my shoes ? 

Adam. ( Very loud.) I didn't say anything about your shoes, I 
said I wasn't laughinj at you. You're mighty touchy. 

Thomas. Did you say I was a Dutchman ? 

Adam. (Very loud.) No, I didn't say you were a Dutchman. 
(Aside. ) But you're an old fool. 

O'Connell. Be jabers, I think the ould ginleman ought to have a 
spakin' trumpet to hould to his ear. 

Philip. Now I shoost vants to know if ve ain't goin' to do not'ngs 
to-night apout gittin' t'e meetin* started to learn apout farmin', 
si oh as raisin' pig cappages, and also apout gittin' a whole caboodle 
of meelk from t'e cows. If we ain't goin' to do not'ings I t'inks 
I had petter go home und go to ped, for I haf to git up pooty early 
in t'e mornin's. 

Peter. My friends, I am sorry that I have been so often inter- 
rupted. | The proper way to organize this Farmers' Club is to have 
an oration at the opening, such as I am endeavoring to give you. 
It is essentially necessary to have an oration. All Fanner's Clubs 
should open with an oration. Now, my friends, let me direct you 
in this matter. Keep silent until I have finished my oration, and 
then we will immediately proceed to business. I am a rapid speaker 



118 A FABXESts' MEETING. 

and I can say all that is necessary to be said in the space of an 
hour. 

Philip. Veil, I t'inks I vill go home und git somet'ing to eat, und 
den I vill come pack after t'e speech is ofer. 

Thomas. What's all this talk about anyhow ? 

Adam. (Laughs.) Ha! ha! The old fellow has broke out 
again. 

Thomas. Are you laughin' at me, sir? 

Adam. No, sir ; no, sir-ee, sir ; no, sir-ee, double sir. 

Thomas. Speak a little louder. I'd like to know what you're 
sayin'. 

Adam. (Aside.) I wish } T ou were in Halifax. (Very loud.) I 
said I wasn't laughin' at you. (Aside. ) If this old reprobate was 
out of the meetin' we could have lots of fun. 

Samuel. Wall, as we ain't gittin' much done I kalkilate I might 
tell yeou a story. 

O'Connell. Be the ould crickets an' it's my opinion that if we git 
all av the spache it will be enough fur this avenin'. 

Philip. Veil, I t'inks a sdory vould pe a heab petter dan a sbeech, 
but I t'inks all dese tings should be dropped a'ready, und ve should 
go to vork und see apout cappages und t'e cows. 

Peter. Yes, we should go straight to business, and to commence 
properly we should have an oration as a sort of an opening. My 
friends, we should open this club in the right way. It is always 
better to commence right. Who knows but this club may yet be 
a power in the land ? Who knows but some of the leading agricul- 
turists of the land may spring from the Slimtown Farmers' Club ? 
How necessary then that we should start right. How necessary that 
we should open our club in a correct manner and have an oration 
at the starting out upon which we can look with delight ! When 
years have come and gone and cycles have rolled away how sad we 
will feel if we look back and see that we have have not commenced 
aright ! 

Thomas. Who's goin' to fight ? I can't hear very well, but I can 
fight jest as well as anybody. 

Adam. (Laughs.) Ha! ha! The old fellow is breaking out 
again. 

Thomas. Who are you laughin' at now ? 

O'Connell. Don't ye see he's only laughin' at the funny things in 
the spache ? 

Thomas. What's that you say ? 

O'Connell. Faix, an' I wasn't spakin' at all. I was only whist- 
lin'. 

Thomas. I want to know what's goin' on in this here meetin*. 
I am a farmer and I have a right to know what is bein' done in this 
club. I believe some of you are tryin' to laugh at me, and I have 
jest got this to say. When people laugh at me my dander gits up, 



A FABMERS' MEETING. 119 

and when my dander gits up I tear around in an awful manner. I 
am a perfect ho«s when my dander gits up. 

Samuel. Then I kalkilate we ought tew hitch yeou tew a plow. 

Adam. (Laughs.) Ha! ha! Oh, this is sich a funny nieetiu', 
and I'm glad I came. Ha ! ha ! Oh, I haven't laughed so much for 
a week. 

Thomas. Are you laughin' at me again, sir? 

Adam. ( Rising and shouting. ) Laughin' at you again, sir ? No, 
sir. The idea is preposterous, sir. Why should I laugh at you, sir? 
There's nothiu' funny about you, sir. No, sir ; nothin' at all, 
sir. 

Thomas. It s all right theH ; let's git to business. 

0' Council Be gobbs, an' I think it's about time fur us to have a 
bit av an inthermission. 

Peter. Am I to be interrupted again, or shall I be allowed to pro- 
ceed with my speech ? 

Philip. Shoost go aheat, und let her odder feller dalk doo, und 
den you vill all git done pooty gwick a'ready. 

Samuel. I hev got a rale deown funny story to tell, and I s'pose as 
heow it ought tew be told at the openin' of the club, fur when we 
look back over the years which hev flowed away we will feel right 
deown bad and squamish like if we don't open the club by bavin' a 
tip-top story. 

Adam. (Laughs.) Ha ! ha ! Oh, yes, let us have the story, ha ! 
La ! I always did like funny stories. Ha ! ha ! 

Peter. I will go forward with my speech. I think I should do so 
regardless of interruptions. It devolves upon me to make the open- 
ing speech, and I think I should proceed at all hazards. My friends, 
you do not seem to understand that it is a difficult matter to make a 
creditable speech when I am continually interrupted ; yon do not 
seem to know that I could speak more fluently and agreeably if you 
would keep silent when I am addressing you. Now I propose to 
proceed with my speech, and for the credit of the Slimtown Farmers' 
Club I hope you will preserve order. 

Philip. I vill dake von leedle sleeb vhile de shendlemans is oben- 
in' de glub vid his pig sbeech. (To O'Connell.) Vill you vake me 
ub ven de pig gun has got itself shot off? 

O'Connell. Yis, I will wake ye up. Go to sleep, poor, weary 
Dutchman. 

Philip. Veil I t'inks you needn't git so sassy apout it. I kin 
keeb avake if I vauts to. 

Samuel. Hello ! here is a war between Ireland and German} 7 . 

Philip. No, dere aint't no var, but I shoost dells you dot I ain't 
goin' to be drampled on und pampoozled py nopody. 

O'Connell. Whist, now, don't ye know the gintleman is spakin* to 
yez ? 

Peter. My friends, let peace and harmony prevailt How can we 
expect to have an interesting and edifying Farmers' Club if we fall 



120 A farmers' meeting. 

out and fight among ourselves ? Let us not quarrel, but let us think 
upon agriculture, let us speak upon agriculture, and let us become 
the leading agriculturist's of the land. 

Thomas. I wish you would speak out so that I could hear 
you. 

O'Connell. Be jabers, the ouid gintlemau is interested in the 
spache an' that's because he can't hear it. 

Peter. ( To Thomas. ) My friend, I fear that it will be impossible 
for me to speak so tliat you can hear me. But I have an idea in my 
head I think it would be well for the members of the club to get my 
speech published in pamphlet form for the benefit of humanity and 
the country at large. It would not cost very much and it would be a 
valuable book to have about the house. 

(Philip goes to sleep on his chair. 

Thomas. I don't know one word you are savin*. I don't know 
why everybody can't speak out so that they can be heard. 

Peter. ( Shouting, j I can't speak loud enough for you to hear. 
I would advise the club to get my speech published for your benefit 
and for the benefit of the world at large. 

O'Coiutell. Whist, now, spake aisy, or ye'll be afther wakhY the 
Dutchman. 

Thomas. You want the club to git the speech published 1 

Peter. Yes. 

Thomas* That's a good idee, but who's goin' to pay for it, I'd 
like to know? 

Peter. Shall I continue or shall I give up in despair? 

Samuel. Wall, yes, I s'pose yeou'd better dew or t'other. If yeou 
give up in despair I s'pose I might tell my story. Yeou know we 
ought tew hev some kind of an openin' to the club, so that after 
millions of years hev rolled away we kin look back and feel that we 
have opened the club in a way someheow abeout right. 

Adam. (Laughs.) Ha! ha! Yes, go ahead and tell the story. 
I do like funny stories. Ha ! ha ! 

Peter. I believe I will make another effort ts give my oration, and 
I hope you will be patient and hear me through, Slimtown has just 
as good a right to rise and become famous in the eyes of the world as 
any other town upon the face of the rolling globe. The Slimtown 
Farmers' Club may become a great institution. Then why not open 
it right ? Why not open it in sich a way that we will not be ashamed 
ot the opening? History tells us that Washington was a soldier. 
But was lie nothing more than a soldier? Yes, my friends. General 
George Washington was a fanner. When the father of our country 
was a fanner, should we be ashamed to be farmers ? Israel Putnam 
was a farmer, for we are informed that he left his plow in the field 
and shouldered his. gun in the defence of his country. Farmers 
should stand in the high places of the earth. I am a farmer and I 
am proud of my occupation. Let us be thrifty farmers and let us 
not fall from our high places. (Philip falls off his seat. 



a fabmehs' meeting. 121 

Adam. (Laughs. ) Ha ! La ! La ! ha ! Ob, sich fun ! 
O'Connell. 13e jabers, an' the Dutchman has fell from his high 
place. 

Philip. ( Half asleep. ) Dot olt fool mooley cow has keecked me 
ofer. 

Samuel. I kalkilate Mr. Yokel had better not sit upon the high 
places. It would suit him better to sit on the floor. 

Philip. ( Awake. ) Is dot speech not ofer yet ? 

Samuel. No, he's jest commencin'. I tell yeou he's a powerful 
speaker. 

Philip. How long haf I peen sleebin' ? 

Samuel (Aside.) Now I'll astonish him. ( To Philip. ) Wall, 
I kalkilate aluout tew hours and a fin If. 

Philip. T' under ! Und de man is vas sbeakin' yet ? Yell, I t'inks 
ve had petter adjourn dis ineedin\ 

Adam. ( Laughing and holding his sides.) Ha! ha! Oh! sich 
fun! 

Samuel Yeou hev had a good sleep now, and I s'pose yeou kin 
listen tew the speech. 

Philip. Yell, yes, I do feel pooty veil vaked up und sort of good. 
I Till listen avhile. I dcught de olt mooley cow had keecked me 
ofer. 

Peter. Then I will proceed with my oration. I was just saying 
that farmers were calculated to stand in the high places of the earth. 
Before I proceed further I want to say that I am a candidate for the 
State Legislature. Shouldn't Slim town be represented in the Legis- 
lature ? Certainly, it should, and am I not a fit man to represent 
it? 

O'Connell (Bising.) Gintlemin av the Slimtown Farmers' Club, 
1 ax yez, haven't we listened to this gintleman long enough? 

Samuel. Yes, sir-ee ! 

Philip. Yaw, I t'inks so. 

Adam. (Laughs. ) Ha ! ha ! Oh, isn't this fun ? 

O'Connell YVz can see fur yerselves that this gintleman has been 
knpin* us listenin' to a long rigmarole av nothin', an' now it comes 
out that he is at'ther a bit av an office. He has been endeavorin' to 
make a political spache. Sich conduct is onhecomin' and ongiutle- 
manly. Let us have no more av it. I move that we git to business 
by electin' Adam Ackley prisident. 

Philip. I second dose motions. 

Adam. (Laughs.) Ha! ha! Oh, I wouldn't know how to be 
president. I never was president of a meetin' and I wouldn't know 
what to do. 

O'Connell Oh, ye're a gintleman, an* ye'll git along first-rate. 
All thim that's in favor av the motion say aye, an' thim that's 
opposed to the motion say no. (All vole aye except Peteb and 
Thomas.) Adam Ackley, ye are elected prisident. 



122 A farmers' meeting. 

Philip. Now I t'inks ve ought to git to doin' somet'ings pooty 
gwick. 

O'Connell. Mr. Ackley, be aftker gittin' into the chair. 

Adam. (Going to the chair, laughing.) Ha! ha! I don't know 
how to be president. I never was a president of a ineetin' and I 
might do somethin' wrong. 

Sicnmel. Yeou'U make a tip-top president. But if yeou let that 
air leller make any more political .speeches we'll h'ist yeou eout purty 
quick. 

Adam. Now, I want to know what to do first. I believe it would 
be better to have a lot of fun to-night and not bother about organ- 
izin' a ineetin'. 

Peter. (Rising.) It makes me sad, indeed, to hear a Slimtown 
farmer speak in this way. Mr. President, you have been elevated 
to the highest position in the gift of the members of the club, and 
you astonish us by saying that.it would be better to have some fun 
to-night and give the great interests of agriculture the go-by. This 
is, indeed, a sad state of affairs, and I have no doubt when this be- 
comes known Slimtown will blush painfully, Yea, more, the whole 
world will blush painfully. 

Adam. If you've got anything to say about farmin' or about the 
Farmers' Club, say it, and stop your highfalutin' nonsense. I'm iu 
the chair now, and I'll show you that I know enough about the 
president's duties to keep you straight, anyhow. 

Samuel. Hi ! Thnt's the way tew talk tew him. 

Philip. (Laughs.) He ! he ! I feels pooty sure dot he vill make 
a goot president. 

Adam. Now, Mr. Popples, if you hev got anything to say about 
farmin' or Farmers' Clubs, go ahead. I am in the chair now and I'll 
take care of you. 

Peter. I have some remarks to make in regard to the formation of 
a Farmers' Club. I think we have started aright. Slimtown is 
aroused and there seems to be a desire in the minds of the people to 
march in the foremost ranks. Slim tow ners, do you want to lag be- 
hind? Mr. President, I could speak for hours on the importance 
of being good farmers, but I will not detain you. I have simply this 
to say, that when we have organized this club we should attend the 
meetings ; we should take an interest in farm matters and we should 
exchange ideas and opinions, and if we do this I have no doubt 
Slimtowners will soon rank as the best farmers in the land. I be- 
lieve that farmers should hold high offices. I am a candidate for the 
St;ite Legislature, and I hope 

Adam. Stop now, we've had enough of that. 

Peter. I have done. (Sits down. 

Philip. (Rises.) I t'inks ve haf peen listenin' to a lot of pig 
fool nonsense. We haf peen here a goot shell und ve hafn't got 
nodings done. Now I is goin' to gommence de peesness in de right 
vay. I is goin' to sbeak upon de cow subject. De cow is a useful 



A FABMEKS' MEETING. 123 

animal und she has four legs unci von tail. Some cows luif only a 
bart of a tail, pecause soinedimes in deir lives dey baf bad de holler 
horn or de boiler bead or de boiler neck und de ends of deir tails haf 
peen whacked off for de purpose of curin' deir beads or deir boms. 
I dinks dot is a pooty goot blan to feed de cows into de mouth mit 
soft feed of von kind or anodder, sich, for insbteuct, as gorn meal 
vich has peen trausmollified indo mush. Dis article is made py 
usin' poilin' vater und gorn meal und a pig fire. Dere is some 
beoples dot feed deir cows on turnips und garrots und cellars und 
cappiges und sich t'ings, und I dinks dot it is pooty near apout 
righd. Accordin' to de laws of nature und astronophotomy de cow 
should baf a fariety of feed — nod all gorn meal, not all vheat straw, 
nod all oads straw, nod all cappages, nod all bumpkins, nod all of 
nodings. Dot is de rule vich I stand up to, und if any of you should 
go indo de cow und de meelk peesuess you vill find pooty-gwick out 
dot you must gif de cows und de heifers a fariety of differend kinds 
of feed. Some cows is inclined py nature und defilishnes to keeck 
ofer de meelk pucket und somedimes also de man or de voman vich 
is siddin' calmly py und doin' de meelkin'. Some few efenin's ago 
von mornin' I vas siddin' lneelkiu* a mooley cow vich is von out- 
rageous pig fool. Yot you t'inks dot mooley cow did do righd on 
de spot? Yell, she lifted up von of her fore feet vich is pebind und 
sbe wbaked it oud in a nord-easterly direction und she sent de meelk 
pucket und de meelk a flyin' awful. I vas dere, und I vas sent a 
fly in' too. I rose up pooty gwick und I felt like smashin' dot cow's 
pack righd through in de middle. But I restrained my angry bas- 
sions vich apout dot dime or someveres along dere, vas risin' pooty 
high, und I says to myself, Feelip, dot von't do, nohow ; you mustn't 
kill dot cow on de spot nor off de spot, for you must remember dot 
dis cow cost you fordy-eigbd tollars und sixdy-dwo und a half ceuts. 
Den I laid town de pig rail vich I had took up und adjourneled de 
preakin' of de cows pack for dot dime. But, Mr. Farmers of Slim- 
down dot cow is von drouble und a fexation to mind und pody, und 
she also keebs me from sleebin' pooty goot at nighd. Now, I vant to 
ax de members of dis Slinidown Farmers' Glub if dey can't dell me 
how to sdop de keeckin' of dose ugly prute of a cow. I do not feel 
dot I cau afford to preak de pack of dot cow, for she cost me de pig 
sum of fordy-eigbd tollars und sixdy-dwo und a half cents. Farmers 
of Slimdown, can't you dell me somedings or can't you dell me 
nodings dot vill stob de keeckin's up und de cuttin' round of dot 
cow? If you vill dell me somedings it vill cause me to git my sleeb 
vben I go to ped in de silence und de darkness of de nighd, und it 
vill also save me fordy-eigbd tollars und sixdy-dwo und a half cents, 
for I feels sure dot if de cow keeps goin' on as she has peen doin' 
I vill preak her pack righd smack cle.an off, sure as t'uuder. I baf 
got nodings more to say sboost now for avbile. (Sits doim. 

Adam. If the members of the Slimtown Farmers' Club have any- 
thing to say about horses, cows, wheat, corn, potatoes, plows, bar- 



124 A farmers' meeting. 



rows, wagons, double shovel plows, cultivators or any sich things, 
they will please git at forthwith and tell all they know. 

Peter. ( Rising. ) I would like to make some remarks on the sub- 
ject of 

Adam. Popples, sit down. We don't want to hear any of your 
rigmarole and palaver. You have commenced to speak twice this 
evenin , and both times you have finished by askin' the members of 
the ciub to vote for you. Sich doin's won't be allowed while I boss 
tiiis meetin' and sit in the presidential chair. This is a farmers' 
meetin', and we can't have anything talked about in this meetin' but 
farm matters. Do you understand, Mr. Popples ? 

Peter. Yes, I understand you, sir ; but I rise for the purpose of 
speakin' on farm matters. 

Adam. I know how it would be. You would commence on farm 
matters and end your speech by sayin' that you ought to sent to the 
Legislature. No, sir, Mr. Popples, sich doin's can't be allowed. 
But I will say this much. After the other members have said all 
the}' have to say you will be allowed to make a few remarks. 

Peter. Unless there can be a change of officers. I fear that the 
Slimtown Farmers' Club will amount to nothing. There must be a 
change — yes, a radical change or the club will go down to its grave 
unwept, uuhonored and unsung. 

Adam. You've said enough. Better sit down, or I'll appoint a 
committee to put you out. 

Peter. I feel sad and I will sit down. 

O'ConnetL (Aside.) The gintleman fales sad. Mebbe he's got a 
sphell av the tic dolly toaster. 

Adam. Gentlemen of Slimtown, let us hear from you. Don t be 
afraid to speak. The club is ready to listen to your speeches. Don t 
hesitate about gittin' up and sayin' somethin'. If some of you don t 
speak we will have to let Mr. Popples commence again. Therefore, 
members of the Slimtown Farmers' Club, keep Mr. Popples down as 
lung as possible. Who has somethin' to say ? 

Samuel. Wall, I don't know as I hev got anything partickelar tew 
say, but I'll git up ami speak awhile anyheow 

Thomas. What arts you talkin' about now ? 

Adam. (Laughs.) Ha! ha! The old fellow's broke out again. 

Peter. If a man can't keep from giggling he should not sit in the 
presidential chair. 

Adam. Oh, you keep silent. I'm jest goin' to laugh when I want 
to. 

Thomas. (Speaking very loud. ) I want to know what you are all 
talkin' about. 

Adam. ( Very loud. ) About farm matters. 

IVtomas. Whose hat ? 

Adam. (Laughs.) Ha ! ha ! I guess we may as well give it up. 
Well, who's goin' to speak ? 



A tf AliMEIlS* MEETING. 125 

O'ConneU. Faix, an' I dunno. It seems like as if tbe paple was 
goiu' to quit spakin'. I'm gittin' slapey au' I think I'll not say any- 
thing more, but whin ye Lave the nixt matin' 111 be afther makin' a 
spache on pertaters. 

Thomas. (Rises and speaks very loud.) Yes, I must make a 
speech. That's what I came here for. Did you think I would sit 
here in my seat all night and not say a word? I'm not one of that 
kind, I can't hear very well, but I can speak jest as well as any- 
body. And I know soiuethiu' about farmin' too ; yes, sir-ee, a great 
deal more than some people who think they know a heap, JSome 
people think they know everything when they don't know nothin'. 
That's the trouble with the most of the farmers of the present day. 
Now I know how to raise wheat and corn aud oats and rye, and I 
know how to raise sheep and cows and hogs and horses, A fellow 
doesn't Tarn these things in a week or a month or a year, but it takes 
a great many years to l'arn it all. I hev been l'arnin' all my life and 
I s'pose there are some things that I don't know yet. Some people 
seem to hev got the idee into their heads that they can git a big lot of 
wool off their sheep even if they don't feed them. This is a mis- 
taken idee and ought to be abandoned immediately. I hev allers 
found that the more corn and oats 1 git into my sheep the more wool 
I git off 'em when I come to shear 'em. If you want to git a consid* 
able amount of wool you must pour in a consid'able amount of corn 
and oats, This is the philosophy of the matter. A farmer ought to 
be a philosopher and understand what he is doiu', and also what he 
is tryiu' to do. When I was a boy I sot out to understand things as 
I went along, but that's not the case with the most of the farmers 
nor the most of the people either. They dive into things without 
thinkin' and as a natural consequence they soon become bankrupt. 
>Jow we are gittin' up a .Farmers' Club here, and we are doin' well in 
gittin 1 it up. Let us endeavor to keep the club a goiu'. If we don't 
attend the meetin's and keep the club agoin' we won't be doin* our 
duty as farmers and as upright citizens of these United States. I hev 
nothin' more to say. (Sits down. 

O'Gonnell. Faix, an' I think the ould gintleman is a right sinsible 
man. 

Adam, Who speaks next ? Samuel Sloper, haven't you a word to 
say ? 

Samuel. No, I guess as heow I'll make my speech at the next 
meetin' of the club. It is purty late neow, and I'm gittin' most all 
fired sleepy aud I think I'd better go home and go tew bed. 

Adam. Peter Popples, you can speak now if you want to. But 
you'd better not say anything about politics. 

Peter. (Rises.) Gentlemen of the Slimsown Farmers' Club, you 
see I have not been fairly dealt wttk to-night. I rose to make a 
speech some time ago, but was compelled by the president to sit 
down. Was this right ? Was this proper ? Was this just ? 

Samuel. I give it up, I give it up, I give it up. 



126 

Peter. We live in an age of progression and enterprise. The or- 
ganization of this club is one of the marks of progression. But, gen- 
tlemen, are we progressing very fast when we place in the chair a 
man who doesn't know anything about parliamentary law? 

Adam. Better shut np now on that subject. If you have any- 
thing to say about farms and farm matters or Farmers' Clubs, go 
ahead, but don't git to talkin' about me, fur I won't stand it. I am 
in the presidential chair and I will endeavor to keep you in the right 
path. 

Peter. I have no hesitation in saying that there should be a change 
and that I should be placed in the presidential chair. 

O'Counell. Bejabers, an' the gintleman is electioneerin' again. 

Peter. I have no hesitation in saying that the man who now occu- 
pies the presidential chair of the Sliintown Club is a numskull, a 
dance, a blockhead, a pudding head. 

SamueL Grindstones and butternuts ! 

Philip. Veil, I t'inks dot is pooty high taik. 

Adam. (Risiug hastily and rushing towards Peteb.) You old im- 
postor, I'll settle your business. You think you know somethin' but 
yon don't know nothin'. 

Peter. Don't come here, sir, don't come here. 

(O'Connell, Philip and Samuel rush between them. 

Philip, Sdop, shendlemens, sdop! Don't disgrace de Glub py 
glub py gittin' ub a tog fighd righd here on de spot. 

SamueL Fellers, if yeou don't keep still I'll slam yeou both ; I 
will, by Haginstown ! 

O'Connell. Be aisy now, gintlemen, or ye'll be afther makin* ine 
blush for me counthry. 

Peter. (Struggling to reach Adam.) Let me get at him. 

Adam. (Struggling to get at Peter.) Let me tear his eyes out 
and pull his head off. 

Thomas. (Speaking very loud. ) What's all this fuss abont ? 

O'Connell. Let me adjourn this matin' by takin' this gintleman 
home. Here ye ould thafe av a farmer, come along. 

(Seizes Peter and drags him off the stage, r. 

Samuel. Neow, Mr. President, we're agoin' tew take yeou home 
and let yeour wife give yeou a thrashin'. 

Philip, T'under ! Sich awful doin' at a Farmers' Glub. 

(Samuel and Philip lead Adam off, l. 

Thomas. (Speaking very loud.) It looks a good deal like as if 
this meetiu' had busted up. I wonder what the fuss was about any- 
how. Sich kerryin' on is a disgrace to Slimtown and also to the 
United States at large. This meetin' may now consider itself ad- 
journed. (Exit l. 



Curtain. 



UNCLE SAM'S WAES. 



m TWO SCENES. 



(1*0 



UNCLE SAM'S WARS- 
characters. 

Jonathan (Uncle Sam), A Youth with a Disposition to Rise in the 

' World. 
Patrick McGlahebty, A Free-born American Citizen from Ireland. 
Jacob Hei^elbocker, A German and a Soldie7\ 
John Bull, A Tyrannical Father. 
Thomas, ) 

Richard, > John Boll's Might Sand Men. 
Henry, ) 
Jemima Peabody, A Patriotic Toang Woman, 

COSTUMES. 

Jonathan. — "Yankee suit;" short striped pants, red, white and 
blue, with straps ; bright colored vest ; beli crowned hat ; tall dickey j 
flashy neck-tie ; long tail coat and yellow wig. 

Patrick McOlaherty. — Breeches ; blue stockings } low shoes J bob- 
tailed coat ; Continental hat. 

Jacob Heifelbocker. — Heavy boots ; short coat with belt ; Continen- 
tal hat. 

The persons representing the characters of Patrick and Jacob 
should make some slight changes in their dress as the play proceeds. 
During the second war, or war of 1812, they should wear hats simi- 
lar to those worn by the soldiers at that time. Afterwards, caps 
similar to those worn at the time of the Rebellion. 

John Bull. — The common "John Bull suit." Boots with panta- 
loons inside ; short, heavy coat, low crowned hat. The person repre- 
senting this character should be so made up as to present a stout and 
heavy appearance. 

Thomas, Richard and Henry. — British uniform. 

Jemima Peabody. — iShort plaid dress of red, white and blue ; hair 
combed up in a knot ; very large comb. 

PROPERTIES. 

Guns for Jacob, Patrick and Jemima. Pitchfork for Jemima* 

(128) 



UNCLE SAM'S WARS. 



Scene I. — A Road. 
John Bull and Jonathan discovered in conversation. 

John Bull. Now, sir, I 'ave liincurred great expense in the French 
and Hindian war ; my debt has been greatly hincreased, hand as this 
was done in defending my Hamericau possessions, I ham going to 
give you a touch of the Stamp Hact, hand make you 'elp to pay the 
debt. 

Jonathan. Neow, look'ee here, governor, yeou've been a purty 
good old feller, but I ain't agoin' tew stand that noheow. If my 
dander gits up I'll show yeou that I kin hoe my own row. I'm only 
a youngster, but I want yeou tew understand that I hev got some of 
my feyther's pluck and fightin' qualities. There ain't no use in bein' 
imposed on by anybody. 

John Bull. Well, sir, as you seem disposed to create a disturb- 
ance, I won't be so 'ard on you. I'll revoke all the duties except 
on tea. You will 'ave to pay that tax ; yes, sir, you will. 

Jonathan. No, sir, i" won't Yeou see I ain't tew be scrunched 
deown and imposed upon. It is the principle of the thing I am con- 
tendm* fur. I don't believe in taxation without representation. And 
if yeou send any of yeour blarsted old tea over here I'll not drink it. 
Wuss than that, sir, I'll pitch it right eout intew Boston Harbor. 

1129) 



130 UNCLE SAM's WARS. 

John Bull. You bar a refractory young dog, band I see I will 'ave 
to spill some of your blood to bring you to your senses. 

Jonathan. Wall, yeoti kin jest spill if yeou bev a mind tew, 
but I kalkilate yeou'll find that there's two tbat kin work at tbat 
game. 

John Bull. You bar a b insolent boy, band I don't want to 'ave 
any more conversation witb you. I'm going now, but you'll 'ear 
from me bagain if you continue on in your stubborn band rebellious 
way. ( Going. 

Jonathan. Walt, 1 kalkilate yeou'll bear from me too, if yeou air 
goin' tew act tbe tyrant. (Exit John Bull, r. ) Neow I s'pose Mr 
Jobn Bull wants tew frigbten somebody, but it 'pears tew me be has 
come tew tbe wrong cbap. I don't keer so mucb abeout tbe tax on 
tbe tea and sicb tbings. I s'pose it would amount tew consid'able 
too, but it's tbe principle of tbe tbing I'm contendiu' fur. Does any- 
body tbiuk tbat I'm jest goin' tew sit still and let people pile dewties 
onto me wheu I can't bev a voice in tbedoin's? ( Striding about ) 
Am I goiu' tew submit tew taxation witbout representation!? No, 
sir! Not wbile my name's Jonathan. Not wbile I bev a strong 
rigbt arm which kin swoop a sword or pull a trigger. No, sir ! 

(Exit l. 



Scene II. — A Landscape. 
Patrick and Jacob discovered with guns in their hands. 

Jacob. Dot is vot I t'inks apout it. Misder Sam Jonat'an is a 
a pooty nice goot poy, uud I am goin' to stand py him in all de 
cases of emergency vich may arise 1 t'inks it is doo pad for Misder 
Sbon Pull to dry to make Misder Sam Jonat an pay der taxes und 
git no rebreseudations. I liaf got von pig shod gnu unjl T viil fighd 
for him uudil be vips Misder Sbon Pull, or undil 1 gits scrunched 
und shod down. Yaw, I vill figbd undil de last armed Siion Pull 
man egspires. Dot is vot I hat" got to say, uud my name ish Jacob 
Heifelbocker. 

Patrick. Faix, an' ye're roigbt, Jacob, me b'y. Sam is a moigbty 
foine cbap, an' as long as I can bould up a gun I'll foight for him, 
Sbure an' whin I come over to this biissid counthiw didn't I become 
one av tbe childrer ? An' faix an' what koine! av a childer w'u'd I be 
if I w'u'du't foight for me pap? Samuel is a young giutleman, but 
he's a darlint, an' I belave I'll call him Uncle Sam, jist to show me 
respict (Noise of shouting and distant guns outside, l.) Whist, 
now, an* what's that? (Elevates his gun.) Faix, an' I belave the 



TJNCLE SAM'S WARS. 131 



war has comroinced. Jacob, let us be afther goin' an' gittin' a cbrack 
at thim fellers. 

Jacob. (Examining the lock of his gun.) I sboost vill figbd. I 
am ready. (Sounds as of a battle in the distance.) Tree cheers for 
dis coundry. (Exeunt Patrick and Jacob, l. 

Enter Jemima Pearody, r., carrying a pitchfork. 

Jemima. The war has commenced ; yes, the war has commenced, 
and the women hev as good a right tew fight as anybody. I hevnt 
a gun, but I carry a pitchfork, and I kalkilate if I git a prod at a 
Britisher, I'll make him howl and squirm areound. I don't know as 
I will be allowed tew go ontew the battle-field tew fight, but if I can't 
dew that I kin take keer of the wounded. The battle-fields would be 
my delight. I'd like tew carry a musket and step intew the thickest 
of the fight. I'm a sort of a fightin' woman anyheow. Neow there 
was Jerusha Jane Wingerly, she tuck a notion as heow she'd bam- 
boozle me and sorter bounce me areound. But I reckon she didn't. 
I jest up and told her that the Peabodys warn't a people as could be 
scrunched, leastways tney couldn't be scrunched by a Wingerly. 
(Xoise of battle heard, l.) They're fightin'. I mustn't stand here 
when my country is a callin' fur me. The Peabody's never would 
stand by and dew nothin'. They was allers ready tew pitch in. I 
hain't got nothin' but a pitchfork, but I'm agoin' anyheow. (Exit L. 

Enter Jacob and Patrick, r. 

Jacob. T'under ! it seems pooty treadful to shood men town und 
see dem hollerin' und screamin', but sich t'ings haf to pe did vhen 
dere is a var proke oud. I t'inks dot I haf knocked von feller ofer in 
sich a vay dot he von't gid up soon a'ready. I nefer vas much of a 
feller for shoodin', but if I hadn't fired my shod gun at him he vould 
haf fired at me, so vat's de tifYereiice ? I am shoost as goot as de 
feller vot I made him keeck up und fall ofer. Und my tander has 
got pooty high up too, und I vould shoost as lief shood town 'leven 
t'ousand of dem fellers as nod. Dey ain't goin' to make us pay der 
taxes und git no rebresendations, nod vhile I am aple to shoulder a 
gun und carry a flag. I is von free-porn Anierigan citizen, und I 
vill figbd lor my foundry und knock dem tarnal red coats to ever- 
lasdin' smash und t'un deration. 

Patrick. The bloody work has comminced, and, Jacob, me b'y, 
we'll have to be afther doin' a dale av foightin'. This is a blissid 
great counthry an' I'm moighty glad I've come to it, for I fale party 
good whin I can jjist git iuto a bit av a scrimmage, The McGlaher- 
ty's were always ridy to git into a row an' cut up a sphell av the tan- 
trums. But this is no common row ; no, sir, it's a rale big foight — 
it's a war for iudepiudence, and anybody who foights on our side is 
a gintleman. ( Shouldering his gun. ) But we must be afther thim 



132 UNCLE sam's wars. 



red coats. We haven't got any time now for talkin'. (Noise of battle 
off r. ) Come ahead. Ould Ireland foriver ! Whist ! now, that's not 
what I mane ; I mane young Amerikay foriver ! 

(Exeunt Jacob and Patrick, r. 

Enter Jemima, l. , carrying a gun, 

Jemima. Wall, I've got a gun neow ; and I kalkilate I'll make 
a fuss among the Britishers. I think it's a purty good gun too, 
leastways it cracks purty loud when it goes off. Some Britisher 
dropped it when he was runuin' away. I reckon he'll not set eyes 
on it ag'in in a hurry, for I'm agoiu' tew carry it through this war 
of independence. (Excitedly. ) I'm goin' tew fight and bleed fur 
my country. I'm goin* tew carry this gun and fight fur the flag of 
Uncle Sam. (Calmly.) Neow I don't see why a woman can't fight 
jest as well as a man. The men kalktlate that the women can't dew 
nothiu' but jawin 1 and broomstick fightin', but when I am aroused 
I kin shoot. I reckon I kin hold this guu purty level. ( Raises gun 
and takes aim. ) I feel as if I was gittiu' aroused and when a Pea- 
body gits aroused and gits his dander up yeou may kalkilate there's 
goin' tew be semethin' smashed. If there is anything upon airth 
that could arouse me it is the breakin' eout of this war. Hurrah 
fur Uucle Sam, I say. (Shoulders her gun.) I'm ready tew fight 
fur liberty and independence. 

** Come out with me in Freedom's name, 
For her to live, for her to die," 

( Exit r. 

Entei- Jonathan, l., and John Bull, r. 

John Bull. Well, liar you hagoing to keep this up ? Har you 
hagoing to continue to rebel hagainst my authority ? 

Jonathan. I ain't goin' tew be trampled upon and bamboozled by 
anybody ; no, sir ; not even by 3 r eou. Yeou hev refused assent tew 
laws the most wholesome and necessary fur the public good. 

John Ball. Um. 

Jonathan. Yeou hev erected a multitude of new offices, and sent 
hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out our sub- 
stance. 

John Ball. Um. 

Jonathan. Yeou hev kept among us, in times of peace, standing 
armies, without the consent of our Legislatures. 

John Ball. Um. 

Jonathan. Yeou hev plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, 
burned our towns and destroyed the lives of our people. 

John Bull. Um. 

Jonathan. Yeou air transportin' large armies of foreign mercen. 
aries tew complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, al. 



UNCLE SAM'S WARS. 133 



ready begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely 
paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unwkorthy the 
Lead of a civilized nation. 

John Bull. (Angrily and striding about.) 'Aven't I been a good 
father to you? You bar ban huugrateful dog to talk to nie as you 
'ave been doing. You bought to 'ave a good thrashing, hand hi am 
the man that can give it to you. You 'ave a great deal of himpu- 
dence to talk to me. You bar a young rebel, baud hi will make you 
suffer. No young dog shall be hallowed to talk to me as you 
'ave been doing. Hi 'ave got the money hand the harms, hand hi 
will make you 'owl. (Exit it. 

Jonathan. Urn, Wall, this fight must go on. There ain't no 
stoppin' here. That old feller turns a deaf ear tew the voice of jus- 
tice and consanguinity, and I s'pose I must hold him as I hold 
some other fellers, an enemy in war, in peace, a friend. Wall, I hev 
made up my mind that I will be free and independent and that I'll 
hev a flag of my own. (Exit l. 

Enter Jemima Peabody, e., with gun on her shoulders. 

Jemima. Wall, I've got along purty well so fur. At a rough 
guess I kalkilate I hev upset at least two dozen Britishers, and I hev 
only got knocked over two times. I warn't bad hurt neither time 
and I got up purty soon arterwards. We hev a flag neow, and I 
reckon we feel abeout as big as anybody. (Excitedly. ) Yes, we hev 
a flag of stirs and stripes, and I'm agoin' tew stand by that flag. I'm 
goin' tew continner tew fight fur that flag. (Recites. 

" Unfurl the glorious banner, let it sway upon the breeze, 
The emblem of our country's pride, on land and on the seas ; 
The emblem of our liberty, borne proudly in the wars, 
The hope of every freemen, the gleaming stripes and stars. 

Chorus.— 

Then unfurl the glorious banner out upon the welcome air, 
Head the record of the olden time upon its radiance there ; 
In the battle it shall lead us, and our banner ever be, 
A beacon light to glory, and a guide to victory." 

Enter Patrick, l., with gun on his shoulder. 

Patrick. Is it here ye are, me darlint ? 

Jemima. I will fight fur my country and stand by the flag on all 
occasions. 

Patrick. Faix, an' that's roight. Yez may sthand by the flag an' 
I'll sthand alongside av ye. ( Goes and stands beside Jemima. 

Jemima. This is no time fur nonsense. We air in the midst of a 
great revolution, and we will hev tew continner tew fight. 



134 uncle sam's wars. 

Patrick. An' that will jist suit me ixactly. Whoop ! Pin always 
at home whin there's a bit itv a shindy goin' on. 

Jemima. I s'pose yeou know that we hev declared our independ- 
ence ? We air neow an independent people. 

Patrick. ( Aside. ) Yis, if we git out av the throuble. 

Jemima. (E&eitediy.) Did yeou ever know a Peabody tew falter 
or fall back? 

Patrick. Niver ! Nor a McGlaherty naythur. 

Jemima. The Peabodys never flinched. lam a Peabody ; I stand 
up lur the stars and stripes — the glorious banner of liberty and inde- 
pendence. 

Patrick. An' I sthand up fur thim things too. (Aside.) An' I 
likewise sthand up fur the Peabody 's. 

Jemima. This is a great country — a glorious country. 

Patrick. Faix, an' it is. It goes clane ahead av ould Ireland. 

Jemima. Hev yeou been doin' yeour duty ? Hev yeou been en- 
deavorin' tew uphold the nation's honor ? 

Patrick. Yis, I have, an' I have been upholdin 7 the honor av ould 
Ireland too. 

Jemima. When the Peabody 's enlisted in a good cause they never 
gave it up. 

Patrick. An' it was jist the same with the McGlahertys. 

Jemima. Our country is passin' through a great trial — a terrible 
ordeal, but she will come eout right at last. We hev declared our 
independence, and the people will fight. We will hev our liberty. 

" And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave, 
O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave." 

Patrick. Be jabers, an' ye're an illegant spaker. If ye'd lay down 
yer gun an* go out an' spake to the paple, ye could git thim aroused 
aven more than they are now, 

Jemima. My place is in the field. Yes, feller citizens, I hev 
seized the gun and I will hold on tew it and shoot deown the op- 
pressor. I will stand by the flag. 

Patrick. (Aside.) I guess I moight as well spake av it now, 
( To Jemima ) I reckon whin the war is over ye'll be alter changin 
yer way av livin'. 

Jemima. I will stand by the flag. We hev declared our inde- 
pendence and I will fight on and fight on. I will never be scrunched 
by the iron heel of despotism. 

Patrick. An' that's jist ioike me. But, Jemima, ye don't under- 
sthand me. I mane that ye'll be afther gittin' married afther 
awhile. 

Jemima. Talk not tew me of sich things. The war is upon us 
and we must fight. 

Patrick. Yis, I know ; but afther the war is over, ye know, ye'll 
be wantin' to git married. 



UNCLE SAM's WABS. 135 



Jemima. Why talk tew me of sich things. I dew not look bo fur 
ahead. I'm thinkin' neow of liberty and independence. 

** The meteor flag of seventy-six, long may it wave in pride, 
To tell the world how nobly the patriot lathers died , 
When from the shadows of their night outburst the brilliant sun, 
It bathed in light the stars and stripes, and lo ! the field was won." 

Patrick. Bat I want to ax ye one quistiou. Ye know the war 
will be over sometime, if it iver is, and ye'll be wautin' to git mar- 
ried, an' I'll be wantin' to git married too. 

Jemima. Silence ! Yeour country calls yeou. Kin yeou sing 
" Yankee Doodle ?" 

Patrick. Faix, no, fur I've got a stye on me eye, an' I'm a little 
bard av bearin'. 

Jemimv. Yeou must sing it. Dew yeou call yeourself an American 
citizen ? 

Patrick* Yis, be jabers, I'm a free-born American citizen jist from 
Ireland. 

Jemima. Then yeou ought tew be ashamed tew say that yeou 
can't sing " Yankee Doodle." Come, sir, yeou must try, or I'll begin 
tew think that yeou air not a loyal man. 

Patrick. Well, as I have a great respict fur the Peabody family, I 
will thry. 

SONG. — Jemima and Patbick. 

"Yankee Doodle." 

" Once on a time old Johnny Bull 

Flew in a raging fury. 
And said that Jonathan should have 

No trials, sir, by j ury : 
That no elections should be held, 

Across the briny waters : 
•And now,' said he, 'I'll tax the tea 

Of all his sons and daughters.' 
Then down he sate, in burly state, 

And blustered like a grandee, 
And in derision made a tune 

Call'd 'Yankee Doodle Dandy.' 
* Yandle Doodie ! these are facts — 

Yankee Doodle Dandy : 
My son of wax, your tea I'll tax — 

Yankee Doodle Dandy.'" 

Patrick. If ye'll excuse me I'll be afther l'avin'. Ye see, I've got 
a bit av an impidimient in me spache. 



136 UNCLE sam's wabs. 



Jemima. And I must go too. I'm one of the minnte men, and I 
mustn't stand here all day. (Exeunt Patrick, r., and Jemima, l. 

Enter John Bull, Thomas, Richard and Henry, l. 

Thomas. 1 think we 'ad better give hit up. 

Richard. Yes, let's give hit up. 

Henry, There hain't hauy use in trying to whip these tarnal 
Yankees. 

Tliomas. They har plaguey fools ; they don't know when they 
har whipped. 

Richard. I believe they would fight till they would hall git 
killed. 

Henry. Yes, and when they get to fighting they git mad enough to 
heat a fellow right hup. 

Thomas. Mr. Bull, I think we ad better give hit hup, hand let 
them be hindependent if they want to. 

John Bull. Urn. 

Richard. Yes, I wouldn't 'ave hany thing to do with such people. 

Henry. That Washington must be a powerful man. 

Thomas. Mr. Bull, don't you think we 'ad better stop. Hit his 
hawful to think of the way we 'ave been getting used up. 

John Bull. There's no fight in you men ; you don't amount to 
hany thing. 

Richard. We 'ave done all we could. 

Henry. I hain't goiu' to fight hany more, hand that's the truth. 

John Bull. Well, I suppose we'll 'ave to give hit up, but I 'ate to 
be whipped by a young dog. I don't feel very well hand I'll go 
'ome. (Exit l. 

Thomas. The hold fellow isn't in a very good humor. 

Richard. He's a hunreasonable governor. 

Henry. Well, hit's hover now hand I am glad of it. 

Thomas. Jonathan will get too big for 'is clothes now. 

Enter Jemima, Patrick and Jacob, r., with guns on their shoulders, 

Jemima. (Shouting and waving her bonnet and gun. ) Hurrah fur 
this independent nation ! 

Patrick. (Shouting and waving his hat and gun.) Hooray fur 
ould Ireland — that is, I mane, hooray fur Gineral Washington ! 

Jacob. (Shouting and waving his hat and gun.) Hurrah for dis 
gread coundry und Shineral Vashington und de Unided Sdades, und 
all dem fellers. 

Thomas. This company is hobnoxious. Let us go. 

Richard. Yes, I can't stay 'ere hand 'ear them 'owling. 

Jemima. Hold on, neow, yeou fellers, and we'll give yeou a part- 
ing salute. 



UNCLE sam's wars. 137 



Jacob. T'under! yes, I feel so goot dot I can sing righd oud 
loud. ( Sio'was las hat. ) Hurmh for liberty und independence. 
Jemima. Jacob ami Patrick prepare tew sing. 
Patrick. Paix, an' I'll do that, fur I have a great respict fur the 
Peabodys. 
Jemima. Commence. 

(As Jemima, Jacob and Patrick commence to sing, Thomas, 
Richard and Henry exeunt l. 

SONG. — Jemima, Patrick and Jacob, 

" Yankee Doodle." 

" John sent the tea from o'er the sea 

With heavy duties rated ; 
But whether hysou or bohea ; 

I never heard it stated. 
Then Jonathan to pout began — 

He laid a strong embargo — 
4 I'll drink no tea, by Jove !' so he 

Threw overboard the cargo. 
Theu Johnny sent a regiment 

Big words and looks to bandy, 
Whose martial band, when near the land, 

Play'd 'Yankee Doodle Dandy,' 
'Yankee Doodle — keep it up 

Yankee Doodle Dandy ! 
I'll poison with a tax your cup, 

Yankee Doodle Dandy !' 

A long war then they had, in which 

John wis at last defeated — 
And Yankee Doodle ' was the march 

To which his troops retreated. 
Cute Jonathan, to see them fly 

Could not restrain his laughter ; 
'That tune,' said he, 'suits to a T, 

I'll sing it ever after.' 
Old Johnny's face, to his disgrace, 

Was flushed with beer and brandy, 
E'en while he vowed to sing no more 

This ' Yankee Doodle Dandy.* 
1 Yankee Doodle— ho ! ha ! he ! 

Yankee Doodle Dandy — 
We kept the tune, but not the tea, 

Yankee Doodle Dandy !' " 

( They exeunt i*. 



138 uncle sam\s wars. 



Enter John Bull and Jonathan, r. 

Jonathan. Yeou want tew git up another fuss, dew yeou ? Wall, 
considerin' heow the last one turned eout I would hev supposed that 
yeou wouldn't hev thought of sich a thing. But yeou kin jest go 
ahead. I kalkilate I am ready fur yeou— yes, I'm a cousid'able 
sight better fixed fur nghtin' than when yeou commenced tew bam- 
boozle me t'other time. Neow, sir, the American flag has been vio- 
lated on the gnat highway of nations, American seamen have been 
impressed, American commerce has been plundered on every sea, 
and her products cut off from their legitimate markets. Yeou hev 
employed secret agents tew subvert the government and dismember 
the union, and yeou hev encouraged the Indian tribes tew hos- 
tility, 

John Bull. Young man, you bar halways growling. I ave not 
disturbed you for habout thirty years, but I tell you I ham going 
to search your vessels hand himpress hall the Henglishmen that I 
can find. 

Jonathan. "Wall, my old friend, we'll see abeout that. I kalkilate 
I kin hoe my own row now, and I tell yeou I won't be scrouged eout 
by no old impostor, 

John Ball. I'll make you 'owl. 

Jonathan. Wall, go ahead. 

(Exeunt John Bull, l., and Jonathan, r. 

Enter Jemima, r. , with gun on her shoulder. 

Jemima. We're goin' tew hev another w r ar, and I'm goin' tew 
carry my gun ag'in in defence of the stars and stripes. I'm ready 
tew fight ; I wouldn't be a Peabody if I warn't. (Becites. 

" We are many in one, while there glitters a star 

In the blue of the heavens above, 
And tyrants shall quail, 'mid their dungeons afar, 

When they gaze on that motto of love. 
It filial! gleam o'er the sea 'mid the bolts of the storm, 

Over tempest and battle and wreck, — 
And flame where our guns with their thunder grow warm, 

'Neath the blood on the slippery deck. 

Then up with our flag ! let it stream on the air ; 

Though our fathers are cold in their graves, 
They had hands that could strike, they had souls that could dare, 

And their sons were not born to be slaves. 
Up, up with that banner ! where'er it may call, 

Our millions shall rally around, 
And a nation of freemen that moment shall fall, 

When its stars shall be trailed on the ground." 



UNCLE SAM'S WAISS. 131) 

Enter Patrick, l. 

Patrick. Here ye are, me darlint. 

Jemima. Yeoa must shoulder yeour gun ag'in, Patrick. 

Patrick. Whist, now, an' do ye say that? Is there going to be 
another right wid thim Britishers ? 

Jemima. Yes, and we must rush to arms. 

Patrick. ( Opening his arms.) Faix, thin, ye may rush in. 

Jemima. Patrick, there is no time fur nonsense. Yeour country 

calls yeou. Seize yeour gun and march tew the front. 

"Dash to earth the oppressor's rod." 

Patrick. Aisy now. Are yez real shure that there is going to be 
another shindy ? 

Jemima. No mistake, sir ; no mistake. Don't you read the 
papers ? 

Patrick. Faix, no, fur I've got an impidimint in me spache an' I 
can't git the siuse av the r'adin'. 

Jemima. The time has come fur us tew be up and doin'. We 
must not delay — we must meet the enemy — we must strike fur our 
altars and our tires. 

Patrick. But couldn't ye give me a little bit av incourngement in 
regard to that matter which 1 was spakin' av some time ago ? 

Jemima. What matter were veou speaking of? How can I re- 
member everything yeou say ? But it's of no consequence neow. I 
am aroused and 1 can think of uotliin' but the work which is before 
me. I am all ablaze. Our flag must be defended. 

SONG. — Jemima . 
M The Bed, White and Blue." 

" Oh, Columbia, the gem of the ocean, 

The home of the brave and the free ; 
The shrine of each patriot's devotion, 

A world offers homage to thee ! 
Thy mandates make heroes assemble, 

When Liberty's form stands in view ; 
Thy banners make tyranny tremble, 

When borne by the Bed, W 7 hite and Blue, 

Chorus. When borne by the Red, White and Blue, 

When borne by the Red, White and Blue, 
Thy banners make tyranny tremble, 
When borne by the lied, White aud Blue. 

Patrick. Ye're a moighty purty singer. But I'd loike to ax ye a 
quistion. 



140 uncle sam's wars, 

Jemima. Wall, go ahead with yeour question, but make yeour 
words few, fur my country is callin' me tew be up and a doin'. 

Patrick. Ye're a moighty patriotic kind av a giutleman, an' I 
think a nape av ye. Now ye know ye'll have to be afther gittin' mar- 
ried some day, an' I'll be wantin' to git married, an' ye are an ixcil- 
lint woman, an' ye'd suit me ixactl^y. 

Jemima. Don't talk tew me abeout sich things. I cannot think 
of marriiage 

•' Till dove-like peace returns unto our shore, 
And war and slaughter vex the land no more." 

Patrick. Shure now, an' ye could fight betther if ye were married 
to a giutleman. 

Jemima. Don't be absuidical. The idee is preposterous. Can 
yeou sing " The Sword of Bunker Hill ?" 

Patrick. Shure an' I can. 

Jemima. Then sing with me. 

SONG. — Jemima and Patrick. 

" The Sword of Bunker Hill" 

"He lay upon his dying bed, 
His eye was growing dun, 
When with a feeble voice he called 

His weeping son to him ; 
* Weep not, my boy,' the veteran said, 

'I bow to Heaven's high will, 
But quickly from yon antlers bring 
The Sword of Bunker Hill.'" 

Jemima. Neow go and git yeour gun. Yeou air a loyal man, ain't 
yeou ? 

Patrick. Be jabers, an* I am. Let come what comes I'll sthand 
by the flag. 1 am a free born American citizen an' I've got me natur- 
alization papers, an' as shure as snakes I'll foight fur me coun- 
ting. 

Jemima. Yeou air a gentleman. 

Patrick. An' I have a great respict fur the Peabodys. 

Jemima. Git yeour gun neow, and rush tew arms. 

Patrick. ( Aside ) She's a darlint, but she's the first girrui iver 
I found that won't allow a gintleman to talk to her about matrimony. 

(Ex.it l. 

Jemima. "I know not what course others may take; but as for 
me, give me liberty or give me death." (Etit R. 

Enter John Bull and Jonathan, r. 

Jonathan. Wall, yeoull give it up neow, I s'pose. 



UNCLE SAM'S WABS. 141 



John Bull. Urn ! yes ! You liar a tough fellow, hand I don't want 
to 'aye hanything to do with you. 

Jonathan, We kin be friends neow, I s'pose ? 

John Bull. Uni ! yes, I suppose. You har growing mighty fast 
for a boy hof your age. 

Jonathan. I kalkilate yeou thought I could hoe my own row deown 
tbar at New Orleans. 

John Bull. Uni ! You needn't say hany thing habout that. When 
a feller gains ban hadvantage just once he houghtn't to be talking 
habout it bali the time. 

Jonathan. Yeou air a purty nice old governor, but yeou want tew 
be too overbearin' sometimes. Yeou know I come of purty good 
stock and I won't allow tbat. 

John Bull. You 'ave a 'abit of making too much fuss habout small 
haffairs. 

Jonathan. I don't consider it a small affair tew be bamboozled 
and kicked areound. No, sir-ee. I ain't one of them fellers as kin 
be trampled upon and crushed deown intew the ground, not by a 
long shot. Dew yeou understand ? 

John Bull. Urn ! yes ! 

Jonathan. Wall, we kin be friends neow, I s'pose 1 

John Bull. Yes, I suppose. 

Jonathan. I ain't got nothin' ag'in* yeou so long as yeou don't try 
tew bamboozle and kerflump me areound. 

John Bull. I 'ave habout made up my mind that I'll not get up 
any more lights with you. 

Jonathan. I kalkilate yeou hev found eout that I kin hoe my own 
row. 

John Bull. Yes, I "ave. 

Jonathan. Wall, neow, old feller, let's shake hands and be friends. 

John Bull. (Extending his hand.) 'Ere's my 'and. 

Jonathan. (Grasping his hand.) And here's mine. May peace 
and prosperity attend yeou. 

John Bull. The same to you, sir. ( They exeunt L. 

Enter Jacob, r., with gun, 

Jacob. Veil, now, I haf done a goot deal of figbdin' for Mr. 
Jonat'an a'ready, und I t'ihks I mighd stack up my arms, vich is a 
gun, und quit der peesness. I t'inks dot olt Mr. Slion Pull is apout 
tired figbdin' againsd Mr. Jonat'an und vill sdop pooty gwick a'ready 
und never gommence again, not so long as he knows himself. I 
t'inks be has got some of de vainglory knocked oud of him, und he 
von't feel so much pig und overpearin' und pampoozlin' as he has 
peen feelin' a'ready. 1 t'inks I haf come off pooty veil. I hafh't hit 
no pullets mit myself, since I haf peen into de figbdin' peesness, und 
I alvavs pobbed my head vhen it come a vhistlin' along to hit itself 
mit a cannon pall. But I t'inks I von't go indo any more vars, for 



142 UNCLE SAM's WARS. 



de nexd vou migbd pe de last, und I uefer vants to git into der 
last var. I t'iuks I vill marry now und seddle town imd pe von 
free-porn Amerigan citizen. Now dere vas Jemima Peabody, she 
is a tine voman, und she has peen nghdin' in all de vars, und she vill 
stand py de flag on all oggasious. JShe vill suit me pooty veil. I 
t'iuks I vill ask her apout dot subject. (Jemima sings " Yankee 
Doodle " outside. ) Here she comes. She is von pooty great voman 
to sing songs und to speechify. She is von t'underin' fine voman. 

Enter Jemima, l. 

SONG. — Jemima. 

"Yankee Doodle" 

" All hail to this our glorious land, 

The land of peace and plenty, 
For Uncle Sam tho' once a boy, 

Is now fully one one and twenty. 
He now can make both sword and gun 

And use them too quite handy 
And much he'll do 'twixt I and j 7 ou, 

For Yankee Doodle Dandy. 
Yankee Doodle, keep it up, 

Yankee Doodle Dandy, 
Yankee Doodle Doodle doo, 

O, Yankee Doodle Dandy." 

Jacob. You are von buster to sing. 

Jemima. (Recites.) — 

"The land is holy where they fought, 
And holy where they fell ; 
For by their blood that land was bought, 
The land they loved so well," 

Jacob. You are von smasher to sbeak. I t'iuks a heap of you, 
Miss Peabody. 

Jemima. Jacob, the war is over ; yeou may stack up yeour arms. 

Jacob. Yes, und I vas sboost remarkin' to mineself pehind your 
pack dot I vould now gwit fighdiu' in de vars und git a vife und 
seddle town a'ready. Vot you t'iuks apout it ? 

Jemima. What dew I think abeout yeour gittin' married ? Oh ! I 
don't keer ; git married if yeou want tew. 

Jacob. But vot do you t'ink apout it? Dot is, vot do you t'ink? 
or in odder vords, dot is, vot do you t'ink apout it? 

Jemima. What dew I think about it? Why I think yeou kin git 
married if yeou want tew. I don't keer, and I s'pose nobody else 
does. 



UNCLE sam's waes. 143 

Jacob. T'under! But you von't sboost gwite understand me. I 
menu vot do you t'ink apout sboost giddin' married to me, a'ready ? 

Jemima. Gittin' married tew yeou ! (Laugfts.J Ha ! ha ! That 
is awful. Why, Mister Heifelbocker, yeou air a Dutchman. 

Jacob. Veil, now dan, it I am a Dutchman I corned from Shar- 
manv, und de Dutcbmans vot comes from Sharmany is sboost as 
goot as de Jrishmaus vot comes from Bennsylvany, or de Yankee 
vomans eider, vot goes aroundt figbdin' in all de vars mit a gun on 
her shoulder. (Shoulders his gun.) T'under! I nefer expected to 
pe dalked to dot vay pefore my pack or pehind my face py a Yankee 
voman vot carries a gun. (Going.) Veil, I'll go off to del vars 
again. 

Jemima. Jacob, yeou mustn't be offended. I can't marry any- 
body. 1 am married tew my country. 

Jicob> T'under ! Who efer heard of sich a t'ing as dot ? Married 
to dis whole coundry ! Oh ! dot's pig fool nonsense. 

Jemima. Jacob, yeou bev fought bravely. I respect yeou because 
yeou air a gentleman and a soldier. Dew not feel unkindly towards 
me because 1 refuse yeou. 

Jtcob. ( Taking off his hat. ) It is all rigbd. Y^es, I baf got ofer 
my curly spell pooty gwick a'ready. Sboost ton't say nodings apout 
it, und I von't say noding too. You are a sbendlemans. Forvart, 
march. (Shoiddevs his gun and marches off, l. 

Jemima. (Recites.) — 

11 When Freedom from her starry height, 
Unfurled her bauner to the air, 
She tore the azure robe of night, 

And set the stars of glory there." (Exit l. 

Eider Jonathan, l. 

Jonathan. Wall, neow, this goes ahead of anything I ever did see 
or hear tell on. My gals bev kicked up a rumpus among themselves, 
aud it's all abeout Slavery. Virginia, North Carolina, South Caro- 
lina, Georgia. Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Arkansas, 
Texas aud Tennessee bev got kinder rebellious and they think they 
bev gone eout. of the Union, and stepped from under my authority. 
W;ill, I kalkilate I'll see abeout that. They air purty nice gals too, 
but they've got some queer notions intew their heads. Neow it's 
purty kinder disagreeable fur a man tew bev a rumpus in bis family. 
I've had two rights with John Bull and one with greasy Mexico, and 
several other liitle scrimmages, but they warn r t nothin' compared tew 
this onpleasantmss. I feel purty bad' abeout it, but them gals will 
bev tew be brought back. This family of mine must be a united 
family, fur a united family will stand, but a divided family will come 
deown kenchop. Neow, I'm goiu r tew put deown this rebellion, and 
I'll show my gals deown thar that the old flag— the glorious star- 
spangled banner— mu^t btill wave over this farm of mine. ( Exit B. 



1^4 UNCLE SAM's WABS. 

Enter Jemima, l., with gun, 
SONG.— Jemima. 

" The Battle Cry of Freedom." 

" Yes, we'll rally round the flag, boys, we'll rally once again, 
Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom ; 
We will rally from the hill-side, we'll gather from the plain. 
Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom ! 

Chorus. The Union forever ! hurrah ! boys, hurrah ! 

Down with the traitors, up with the Stars ! 
While we rally round the flag, boys, rally once again, 
Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom !" 

Enter Patrick, r. 

Patrick. Ye're singin' again, are ye? 

Jemima. I'm all on fire. I'm excited. Sumpter has been fired 
on. War has broke eout. Where's yeour gun. 

Patrick. Faix, I dunno. I don't want to see this counthry goin* 
to ruin, but I'm not a good foighter. 

Jemima. Shame on yeou. Would yeou see the Stars and Stripes 
trailed in the dust ? What kind of a man air yeou anyheow ? 

Patrick, Bedad, an' I'm a free-born American citizen, fur I've got 
me naturalization papers. 

Jemima. Then rouse yeourself. Be a man. Haven't yeou heard 
that Sumpter has been fired on ? 

Patrick. (Aside.) She is beginnin' to infuse some patriotic 
fire into me bones. (To Jemima.) I hev a great respict fur the 
Peabodys. 

Jemima. Then dew as a Peabody commands yeou. Take yeour 
gun and rush eout tew defend the old flag. 

Patrick. Faix, neow, if I was only a married man I c'u'd go to the 
war. Id loike to have a woife so I c'u'd be after lavin' me money to 
her. What do ye say, Jemima, will ye have me ? 

Jemima. Sich a question and at sich an hour ! Would yeou talk 
of marriage when Sumpter has been fired upon? Would yeou be 
base enough tew even think of matrimony when our flag has been 
insulted and our Union is in danger? I hev my gun here and I am 
goin' tew wade in tew the thickest of the fight. If yeou don't go 
I shall never respect and admire yeou, as I hev heretofore done. 
Never speak tew me again on the subject of matrimony if yeou don't 
immediately take up yeour gun in defense of the Stars and Stripes. 
Would yeou see the Union dissolved? Would yeou sit deovvn and 
see the Flag of the Free disgraced and trailed in the dust ? 

Patrick. (Becoming excited and steppvig around briskly.) No, be 



uncle sam's wars* 145 

jabers ; no, niver! Give me a gun. I'll foigbt ; vis, I'll foigbt till 
the last armed toe expires. (Swings his hat. J Hurrah fur Anieri- 
kay, and also tor the Peabodys. 

Enter Jacob, r., carrying gun and singing* 

SONG Jacob, 

u The Battle Cry of Freedom" 

M So we're springing to the call from the East and from the West, 
Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom I 
And we'll hurl the rebel crew troin the land we love the best, 
Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom I 

(Jemima and Patrick join in singing the chorus, 
CHOKtrs. The Union forever * hurrah ! boys, hurrah ! 

Down with the traitors, up with the Stars ! 
While we rally round the flag, boys, rally once again, 
Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom !" 

Jacob. Veil, now, I am goin' tew fighd like t'uuderatinu. Till I 
Bee Uucle Sam imposed upon? No, sir! Vill 1 see dis glorious 
sdar-sbangled union tored indo fragments und leedle pits? No, sir I 
Not vhile my name is Jacob Heifelbocker. I is goin' to shouder my 
gun und march to der front. 

Jemima. Bravo 1 Splendid 1 Jacob, yeou air a patriot — yeou air 
a noble man 1 

Patrick. (Stepping about briskly.) Be jabers an* Hagenstown, 
am I goin' to see me counthry smashed into smithereens an' destroyed 
intirely ? Is the ould flag goin' to be trampled upon while a free- 
born American citizen from the county av Tipperary has a sthrong 
right arm to hould up a gun ? I am goin' to git a gun jest as soon as 
the constitution will allow an* I'm goin' to march to the front. 

Jemima. Bravo! Splendid 1 Patrick, yeou air a gentleman and 
a soldier. 

Patrick. (Aside.) She's an illegant girrul. Hurrah fur the 
Peabodys ! 

Jemima. But we mustn't Btand here ; we must away. Our coun- 
try calls ; we will dash intew the thickest of the fight. 

(Jemima hums '* Yankee Doodle," steps to the music arid marches 
out I.., followed by Patrick and Jacob, who also step to the 
music. 

Enter Jonathan, r. 

Jonathan. Wall, this rebellion has been squelched, and my gals 
hev concluded tew come back and not cut up any more shines. 
They hev begun to see that V< cy weren't doin' jest exactly right. 



146 Uncle sam s wars. 

Wall, neow I'm beginnin' tew think that I oughtn't tew dew any 
more fightin', fur I m purty nigh one hundred years old. My gals 
which liev rebelled air doin' fust rate neow. They air purty good 
gals, only they got a little of a queer notion iutew their heads abeout 
settin' up fur themselves. Them and the other gals air fust rate 
friends neow, and that's jest the way I want them tew be. I want 
them all tew he sociahle and friendly, and if they will container 
to be that way, why I kalkilate I will feel jest as big as anybody. 

(Exit*. 
Enter Jemima, l. 

Jemima, The war is over and 1 s'pose I kin rest fur awhile. But 
I hold myself ready tew defend the Stars and {Stripes on all occa- 
sions. That old flag sha'n't be dishonored nor trailed in the dust — 
no, not while my name is Jemima Peabody. Sich doin's would 
cause the Peabody blood tew bile in my veins. (Becites. 

"Flag of the free heart's only home! 

By angel hands to valor given, 
Thy stars have lit the welkin dome, 

And all thy hues were born of heaven. 
Forever float that standard sheet ! 

Where breathes the foe but falls before us 
With Freedom's sail beneath our feet, 

And Freedom's banner waving o'er us." 

Enter Patrick, r. 

Patrick. Be jabers, an' ye're spakin' again. 

Jemima. The war is over ; peace reigus within eour borders ; we 
hev much tew be thankful fur, Where's Jacob? 

Patrick, An' what do ye want with Jacob ? 

Jemima. I waut to sing one more song, and I want yeou and 
Jacob tew assist. 

Patrick. An' couldn't I assist ye enough? 

Jemima. No, we hev all fought together in defence of the flag, 
and we must sing together. Here he comes. 

Enter Jacob, l. 

Patrick. (Aside. ) He's always turnin' up jist whin I don't want 
him. 

Jacob. (Swinging his hat.) Hooray for der Unided Sdades! 
Hooray for der Amerigan flag ! und hooray for der Peabodys. 

Jemima. Mr. Heifelbocker, yeou air a great man. 

Patrick. (Aside.) Be the powers, au' can't I hurrah too? 
(Shouting and swinging his hat. ) Hurrah fur ould Ireland and free 
Amerikay ! Hurrah fur the Star-Spangled Banner! And hurrah fur 
Jemima Peabody, fur she's an illegant girrul. 



UNCLE sam's wars. 147 

Jemima. Mr. McFlackerty, yeou air a gintlemau. But, come, let 
us sing one inore war song. Patrick and Jacob, I want yeou both 
tew jine in, 

SONG. — Jemima, Patrick and Jacob. 

u Matching Through Georgia," 

** Bring the good old bugle, boys ! well sing another song — 
Sing it with that spirit that will start the world along — 
Sing it as we used to sing it fifty thousand strong, 
While we were marching through Georgia, 

Chorus. Hurrah? hurrah! we bring the Jubilee J 

Hurrah ! hurrah J the flag that makes you free ! 
So we sang the chorus from Atlanta to the sea, 
While we were marching through Georgia, 

How the darkies shouted when they heard that joyful sound! 
How the turkeys gobbled which our commissary found! 
How the sweet potatoes even started from the ground. 
While we were marching through Georgia. 

Chorus. — Hurrah! hurrah! &c, 

Yes, and there were Union men who wept with joyful tears, 
When they saw the honored flag they had not seen for years ; 
Hardly could they be restrained froin breaking off in cheers, 
While we were marching through Georgia. 

Chorus. — Hurrah! hurrah! &c 

* Sherman's dashing Yankee boys will never reach the coast V 
So the saucy rebels said, and 'twas a handsome boast, 
Had the) not forgot, alas, to reckon with tbe host, 
While we were marching through Georgia. 

Chorus. — Hurrah! hurrah! &c. 

So we made a thoroughfare for Preedom and her train, 
Sixty miles in latitude — three hundred to the main ; 
Treason fled before us, for resistance was in vain, 
While we were marching through Georgia, 

Chorus. — Hurrah! hurrah! &c. 

But the march is not yet finished, nor will we yet disband, 
While still a trace of treason remains to curse the land, 
Or any foe against the flag uplifts a threatening hand, 
For we've been marching through Georgia, 

Chorus. — Hurrah! hurrah! &c. 



14:8 TTNCLE SAM'S VAB& 



When Right is in the White House and Wisdom in her seat 
The reconstructed Senators and Congressmen to greet, 
Why then we may stop marching, and rest our weary feet, 
For we've been marching through Georgia. 

Chorus. — Hurrah ! hurrah I &c. " 

Jacob. Kow, I vill go nnd gid on my store clothes imd git ready 
for der grand Centinentivai. (Exit b» 

Patrick. ( Aside.) Now, be jabers, the war is oyer an' I'm goin' 
to spake right out, ( To Jemima.) Miss Jemima Feabody, ye know 
how it is. I've been axin' ye fur a long time to be me own darlint, 
an' ye couldn't on account av the foightin'. But the war is over 
now, an' I ax ye again, An' if ye don't have me this time I'll 
niver ax ye again, an' that's jist as shnre as me name is PaUick Mc- 
Glaherty. 

Jemima. Oh, Patrick, wait a few years longer. Yeou know as 
heow another war may break eout. 

Patrick. I won't wait a minute. Wu'd ye ax me to wait for- 
iver ? 

Jemima, Wall, Patrick, yeou hev done well. 

Patrick, Yis, me darlint, an' will ye have me? 

Jemima. Yes, if — — 

Patrick. If what ? Spake it out. 

Jemima. If yeou will continner tew fight fur the country if 
another war bre iks eout, 

Patrick. Faix, an' I'll do that. I'll foight fur me connthry an' fur 
the whole Peabody family. Ain't I a free-born American citizen ? 
An' haven't I got me naturalization papers ? An' w'n'd I go- back on 
me connthry ? Niver I 

Jemima. (Giving her hand. ) Then here's my hand. 

Patrick. ( Taking her hand in one of his and swinging his hat with 
the other. ) Hurrah fur onld Ireland, an' the United States av Ameri- 
kay ! An', in particular, hurrah fur the Peabodys! (To Jemima.) 
Now come on an' we'll go to the pracher's. Union now an' union 
foriver ! 

Jemima. But I want tew sing a verse of " The Old Union Wagon.' 7 

Patrick. Go ahead wid yer wagon, an' I'll be wid ye, me darlint. 

SONG. ^Jemima and Patrick, 

"The Old Union Wagon: 1 

"The Eagle of Columbia, in majesty and pride, 
Still soars aloft in glory, though traitors have defied 
The flag we dearly cherish — the emblem of our will — 
Baptised in blood of heroes 'way down on Bunker HilL 



UNCLE SAM'S WAItS, 149 

t 

Chorus. Sam built the wagon, 

The Old Uiiion Wagon, 
The Star-crested wagon, 
To give the boys a ride. (Exeunt, l. 

Enter Jonathan, b. 

Jonathan. Wall, I ain't one of them as is always a braggin', but 
neow when I'm one hundred years old, I s'pose I might look back 
and see what I've been a doin'. I commenced business in 1776 with 
thirteen states, and hevn't I got a right respectable family neow? 
Wall, when I sot up in 1776 I had 815,615 squar' miles of territory 
which was occupied by abeout 3,000,000 of civilized human bein's. 
I hev neow a family of 43,000,000, who occupy thirty -seven states 
and nine territories, which embrace over 3,000,000 of sqar' miles. I 
Lev 65,000 miles of railroads, more than sufficient tew reach twice 
and a half reound the globe. The value of my agriulctural produc- 
tions jri $2 500,000 and my gold mines air capable of producm* 
$70,000,000 a year. I hev more than 1,000 cotton factories, 580 daily 
newspapers, 4,300 weekly and 625 monthly publications. I hev 
main oih</r things too numerous tew mention, I feel right proud of 
my gals. (Retires to B. 

Enter Jacob, Patrick and Jemima, i*. 

Jacob. Dis is von pooty good fust rate coundry, und Uncle Sam 
Jonat'au is de best feller on de top of de ground. I t'inks our coun- 
dry beats anyfc'iug dot can pe got up. Now I must go und git de 
gun vich I hut carried in de vars. (Exit b. 

Patrick. Faix, an' must I say soinethiu' too ? 

Jemima. Of course. Can't yeou make a speech when yeou hev so 
nobly defended yeour country ? 

Patrick. Bejabers, an' I'll thry moighty hard. (To audience.) 
In union there is strength. Jemima an' me thought so, an' we went 
to the prachers 

Jemima. (To Patrick.) Hush! Don't say anything abeout 
that. Be patriotic ; talk abeout yeour country. 

Patrick. Aisy now, me darlint. (To audience.) Ye see, ladies 
an' giutlemin, I ain't no spaker, but let me have a gun an' I can 
make me mark whin I go out to foight. But Jemima, me woife, 
which was a Peabody, is a spaker, an' she'll spake to yez. 

(PAraicE: steps aside and Jemima takes his place. 

Jemima. ( Recites. ) — 

"Up, up with that banner ! where'er it may call, 
Our millions shall rally around, 
And a nation of freemen that moment shall fall, 
When its stars shall be trailed on the ground." 

(Jemima steps aside and Jonathan takes her place* 



150 uncle sam's wars. 

Jonathan. (Recites.) — 

"Then shout beside thine oak, Oh, North ! 
Oh, South t wave answer with thy palm ; 
And in our Union's heritage 

Together sing the Natiou's Psalm !" 

(Jonathan steps aside and Jemima and Patrick sing. 
* 4 My country, 'tis of thee, 
Sweet land of liberty, 

Of thee I sing ; 
Land where our fathers died, 
Land of the pilgrim's pride, 
From every mountain side, 
Let freedom ring." 



CUBTAHb 



RICHES HAYE WINGS. 

A COMEDIETTA, IN ONE ACT. 



(151) 



EIOIIBS HAYE WINGS. 



:o:- 



CHARACTERS. 

Mr. Edwabd Wingerly, An Oil Prince. 

Mrs. Jemima. Wingerly, His Wife, A Shoddy Aristocrat. 

A it a mint a. Wingerly, Their Dtuujhter. 

Bknjvmin Wingerly, Their Son. 

Mr. Randolph At.daroo, A Pretended Exquisite and Fortune Hunter. 

Mrs. Belinda. Bobb, Sister to Mr. Wingerly, froth the Country. 



COSTUMES.— MODERN. 
Mrs. Bobb wears a very outre country costume. 

PROPERTIES. 

Table. Four chairs. Easy chair. Sofa. Letter for Araminta. 
Bundles aud boxes for Mrs. Bobb. 



(152) 



EICHES HAVE WINGS. 



Scene. — ^i Well-Furnished Room. 
Mas. Jemima Wingebly discovered seated, 

Mrs. Wingerly. We Lev riz up iu the world and gone forward 
with great swiftness and revolvability. We now stand amongst the 
biggest and most aristocrat ical people of the ninety-fourth center.try. 
We aro in comfortable and also in flexible circumstances. Fur 
awhile we had a hard time of it, but when they struck ile on our 
possessions the Goddess of Liberty smiled upon us and people 
crowded around and poured their confabulations upon us. Since we 
Lev come to the city we hev been liviu' like kings and queens ; we 
can hev everything we want fur we hev the money. Edward, that 
is, Mr. Wingerly — I allers fall into the habit of savin' E I wan], and 
that is entirely contrary to the transactions of the polite circulars in 
which we move. And Araminta becomes nervous and diagonal when 
I say Edward instead of Mr. Wingerly. I find that it is altogether 
wrong and also out of place fur high sailin' and aristocratical people 
to say the first name of their husbands instead of sayiu' the last name 
and putt in' Mr. to it. I must endeavor to be more keerful on that 
p'mt. If I should be speakin' of my husband to Mrs. Walsinghaui 
or Mrs. Clinton or Mrs. Eitz Boodle and should call him Edward, 
I hev no doubt their nervous systems would be considerably shattered 
and knocked about. I must be keerful. Araminta says I don't 
talk right when I am minglin' with aristocratical people, and she has 

1163) 



154 RICHES HAVE WINGS. 

been tryin* to l'aru me bow to conversulate witb elegance and high- 
falutability. Tbe Walsinglmuis ami tbe Clintons and tbe Fitz 
Boodles are all aristocratical and bigb blooded people. They live in 
big houses and circulate amongst the highest authorities, and I don't 
want to terrify them and shatter their nervous systematical by 
savin' vulgar and astonishin' utterances. I don't want them or any- 
body else to find out that we once lived down in the state of Maine 
and that Edward made soap and candles and peddled them around. 
But I mustn't allow myself to think of sich things for it makes me 
nervous and paralytica!. No, I mustn't think of our former doin's. 
I wish I could crush and transplant sich thoughts clean out of my 
mind. The goddess of Liberty has smiled upon us aud we hev gone 
upwards with wonderful velocipidity. Edward bought a small track 
of land in the lie regiments of Pennsylvany, and on that track of 
land there was ile in immense quantities and also in volumes. Ed- 
ward sold his farm fur an unparalleled and centrifugal amount of 
money and then we come to this place. We bought this unparalleled 
and brown stone frontical house, and the doin's of this caused people 
to crowd around us in great profusion. We hev high blooded and 
aristocratical people fur our friends and neighbors. Arauiinta is 
bein' looked upon by high blown and excellent young men with great 
admiration. Indeed, she has already said to Mr. Aldaroo that she 
will be his companion aud travel forward with him through this 
world. And she has made a wise choice and a choice which I ap- 
plaud and admire exceedingly. Mr. Aldaroo is a wealthy gentleman 
and a gentleman who walks in the highest vernaculars of life, Of 
course anybody can see that from the high and elegantical way in 
which he talks. Arauiinta was engaged to a poor feller down in the 
ile regiments, but when the goddess of Liberty smiled upon us, and 
we rose to our present proud and aristocratical position, of course a 
union with the poor teller wasn't to be thought of ; no, not fur an 
instant. Arauiinta is a sensible girl and she dropped the poor feller, 
fur, of course, she stood far above him on the equinoctial scale when 
we got rich and come to the city. Now she can hev the hand and 
heart of Mr. Randolph Aldaroo, and this will be a union which will 
cause me much rejoicin'. Edward doesn't like the gentleman very 
well, but Edward is sich a peculiar and spasmodical man. He allows 
strange ideas to creep into his head, and these are the cause of much 
distress to me. 

Enter Benjamin Wingerly, r. 

Benjamin. Old woman, what time in the day is it ? 

Mrs. W. Benjamin, you should not address me as the old woman. 
It is not in accordance with the rules of politeness and exquisite- 
ness. 

Benjamin. Oh, what do I care for your politeness and exquisite- 
ness as you call it ? I've got the headache and I don't want to be 
bothered with your big words. 



BICHES HAVE WINGS. 155 

Mrs, W % But, Benjamin, you no doubt know that we are now 
rnoviu' ami cireumlocutin' iu the highest and most aristocratical 
circles. This bein' the case we must endeavor to move and circum- 
locute in the same way that other high sailin' people do. If we don't 
do this what will be the consequence? The consequence will be 
this : we will be considered ignorant and uncoupled people, and it 
will be secretly whispered and perhaps openly ejaculated that we hev 
not always belonged to the brown stone frontical population. This 
would be very terrify in' to me. I wish the people of this great city 
to think that I hev always been a rich and influential citizen. 

Benjamin. If your big aristocrats could hear you talking now 
they'd soon set you down for an ignoramus. 

Mrs. W. Benjamin, don't be so unfillibustical as to talk that way 
to your own mother. Haven't I conversulated with the Walsin^hams 
and the Fitz Boodles, and don't they use the very highest and most 
aristocratical language ? Of course they do. I hev learned to talk 
with amazin' swiftness and I now feel that I can cope with any of 
them, fur I can use some very fine and rumbustical words. 
Benjamin, Old woman, you're a darby. 

Mrs. W. Benjamin, will you still con tinner to address me as the 
old woman ? I'd prefer that you wouldn't do so. In doin' so you 
are standin' in your own light. Hold yourself up high and walk 
amongst the best young men of the present centerary. Do this and 
you may soon become as refulgent and polished as Mr. Aldaroo. 
And speakin' of Mr. Aldaroo, are you aware that he is betroughed to 
our Araminta ? 

Benjamin. Where did he get the trough ? 

Mrs. W. Benjamin, you do not understand me. When a couple 
are engaged, they are sometimes said to be betroughed. It is more 
aristocratical to say betroughed than to say engaged. 

Benjamin. Old woman, I think you've missed the word. But I 
can't stay here and talk to you all day. I must go out and get a 
drink of wine. 

Mrs. W. I fear you are drinkin' too much wine, Benjamin. You 
came home last night and I hev reason to believe that you were bor- 
derin' on the state of bein' drunk. 

Benjamin. If you want to talk in high flown style don't say drunk, 
say intoxicated. 

Mrs. W. Yes, you are correct. But, Benjamin, be careful not to 
drink to too much of an extent ; be careful and do not come home 
intoxicated. 

Benjamin. You've got the right word now. But you needn't get 
scared on my account. I know what I'm about. 

Mrs. W. It would be sad and diabolical if you should grow up 
and go down to a drunkard's grave. We are now in a state of happi- 
ness ; we live in a brown stone front and we move in the most 
perhte and dignified circulars ; sich people as the Walsiughams and 
the Fitz Boodles congregate about us ; your father is doin' a large 



156 RICHES HAVE WINGS. 

and superhuman business ; everything which at the present sur- 
rounds us is promisin' and also beautiful and botanical. Araininta 
is on the eve of marriage to a high sailiu' and exquisite young man. 
This bein' the case it would be sad if a shadder should suddintly 
come upon us and cause us to tremble and feel bad. If my son 
should go on from drinkin' wine and git to drinkin' other articles 
and should become a drunkard we would feel very sad and de- 
generated. 

Benjamin, Old woman, you'd better go and take a sleep. 

Enter Araminta Wingerly, r. 

Araminta. Ma, I hold in my hand a letter for you. It is post- 
marked Turkey town. That's where your relations live, isn't it ? 

(Hands letter to Mrs. Wingerly. 

Mrs. W. Yes, some of them live there, but I don't consider them 
relations now, fur we hev rose up and we move in a different cir- 
cular. I don't know what they'd be writin' to me about, but I s'pose 
some of 'em is dead. ( Opens letter. 

Benjamin. Well, I'll go and get some wine, and see if it won't 
stop this everlastin' bad headache. (Exit R. 

Aram'mta. I'm afraid Benjamin is bein' led swiftly down the 
ragged slope ot intemperance. It would be terrifyin' if he should be- 
come a drunkard. 

Mrs. W. Did anybody ever hear of sich a thing ? I declare it's 
too bad. 

Araminta. Gracious, ma, what's the matter ? 

Mrs. W. It's temfyiu' and disgustin'. That old fool, Belinda 
Bobb, is comin' here to stay a week or two. She says she hasn't 
been well and she thinks some travel and change of air would be 
good fur her. Tne old dunce, I wish she was in Halifax. 

Araminta. I wouldn't have her here. I'd just close the door 
against her, and tell her that we didn't know her. I am opposed to 
recognizing any low people from the state of Maine. 

Mrs. W. But, you know,* she is your father's sister, and if we 
should turn our backs upon her he might git angry and cut up high 
and tear around. Edward is a gentle and docile man if he doesn't 
git ruffled and wampused, but if he gits into that state he is powerful 
and also uncontrollable. 

Araminta. Oh, he will never know anything about it. She will 
come when he is away at the store and we can turn her away and 
keep him in ignorance of it. 

Mrs. W. I fear it wouldn't do. Of course I don't want the old 
woman here, but it would be very terrifyin' and dreadful if your 
father should learn of the doin's which hev been done. 

Araminta. But how can we endure to have it known that she is a 
relation of ours ? How can we endure to have the Walsinghams and 
the Fitz Boodles see her? Oh, the idea of sich a thing is dis- 
tressing 1 



RICHES HAVE WINGS. 157 

Enter Mbs. Belinda. Bobb, l. , with bundles and boxes. 

Mrs. Bobb. Heow dew yeou dew, mum ? I s'pose yeou'd hardly 
Lev kiiowed me if I hadn't sent yeou word that I was ccniin\ ( Goes 
and shakes hands with Mas. Wingerly.) Heow hev yeou been, 
anyheow? 

Mrs. W< Oh, I hev been very welL 

Mrs. B. Yeou hev been gittin' up in the world. (Turning to 
Araminta.) I reckon this is yeour darter, Araininta, isn't it? 

Mrs. W. Yes. 

Mr 8, B. My 1 how she's growed 1 When yeou left Turkeytown 
she was jest a little mite of a thing. I guess I'll set deown my bun- 
dles. Neow, Araininta, I'll shake hands with yeou. (Shakes hands 
with Araminta.) Yes, yeou hev growed 'niazin' fast. I reckon yeou 
air purty nigh big enough tew hev beaux? ( To Mbs. Wingerly. ) 
Did yeou git my letter? 

Mrs, W. Yes, I have just received it. 

Mrs. B. Then it must hev got lost and wandered areound a spell. 
I sent it tew yeou abeout a week ago. Yeou see I tuck a notion as 
heow I'd come tew see yeou, and Hezekiah, that's my pardner, he sez 
tew me, sez he, "I guess yeou'd better not go." " Why on airth," 
sez I, •• hadn't I better go? Ain't they relations of our'n ? Audit 
don't look very sociable if yeou don't go tew see yeour relations once 
in a spell." "But," sez Hezekiah, "yeou might git lost. Yeou 
hain't never been tew the city and yeou'd be a'most sure tew git 
lost." "Wall," sez I, " I kalkilate I don't git lost. I hain't traveled 
very much ; but I know what I'm doiu' most of the time, and if I git 
lost or anybody steals my pocket-book yeou may tell me abeout it as 
loug as yeou live." Then sez Htzddab, "I guess yeou'd better not 
go. The Wingerlys air purty grand neow ; they struck ile ', they live 
in a big house, and niebbe they wouldn't keer abeout seem' common 
people." "Pooh!" sez I, "there ain't no danger of that. Brother 
Edward warn't that kind of a man," sez I. "He'll be mighty glad 
tew see me, I know he will, and it won't make any difference whether 
he lives in a four-story house or a little cabin like he used tew live in 
when he was in Turkeytown and was making soap and candles. 

Mrs. W. Oh, if you please, do constrain yourself and don't speak 
of our former position. 

Mrs. B. Oh, 'tain't no disgrace, I reckon, fur it tew be known 
that yeou was once soap and candle makers. It goes tew show that 
Edward was a mighty smart man, fur nobody but a smart man could 
be so awful poor and then git tew be so awful rich. Yeou hevn't 
axed me tew take off my bunuit and things, but I s'pose it's because 
yeou air so astonished at seein' me. (Takes off Iter bo)inet and Jta7ids 
it to Araminta.) I'll give yeou my buunit. Take purty good keer of 
it fur it's the only JSunday-go-to-meetin' bunnit I hev got. 

Araminta. Keep your old top knot ; I don't want it. You'd 
better put it on your head and travel 



158 riches ha.ve wings. 

Mrs. IT. Araminta ! 

Mrs. B. Good laud of Gosheu ! did anybody ever hear the likes of 
that? (To Mrs. Winqerlt.) Jemima, is it possible that yeou hev 
raised up a gal that will talk that way tew her blood relations ? 

Mrs. W. Araminta spoke a little rapadistically perhaps, bat she 
is somewhat vexed and aunoydled. She wasn't expectin' to see an} r - 
body from the state of Maine. 

Mrs. B. I s'pose she thinks she's too big and highfalutin' tew 
look at common people. 

Araminta. Well, I'm sure I don't want to look at such creatures 
as you. A person would suppose that you had just come from the 
back woods. 

Mrs. B. Wall, I did come from the back woods if yeou call Tur- 
keytown aud Stamford and them places reound there the backwoods. 
But if I dew live in the backwoods I kalkilate I know more'n some 
young gals which live in big houses and git stuck up on that account. 
I reckou yeou didn't kuow that yeour father and yeour mother was 
once soap and candle makers and abeout as poor as anybody areound 
iu our diggins? But they were purty sensible people, and I am 
surprised that they hev brought yeou up in sich a way. 

Araminta. I don't want to hold any further conversation with you. 
You're a meddlesome old fool and you ought to have stayed at home. 

(Exit r. 

Mrs. B. I kalkilate she's got her dander up. Wall, she kin go ; 
we kin git along without her. (Sits down.) Neow, Jemima, I 
reckon yeou want tew know abeout the folks deown tew Turkeytowu 
and heow they air all gittin* along. Wall, I'll perceed tew tell yeou. 
Yeou know there was the Tucker family ; I reckon they've been 
livin' areound Turkeytowu and Turkey Run fur up'ards of forty 
years. Simeon Tucker he married Patience Dewsenberry and they've 
been livin' fur several years at the old stun house on the hill. 
Simeon's a purty nice sort of a feller, but he hasn't got any great 
amount of push abeout him aud he doesn't jest git along quite as 
well as the rest of the Tucker family. Then there is Nathan Tucker 
and Jedutliau Tucker and Miranda Tucker. Miranda she's married 
a feller by the name of Leander Peterson. He used tew live some- 
wheres deown abeout Chestnut Ridge, but he moved up tew Turkey- 
town. I guess that was afore yeou went away. Wall, Leander, he 
ain't of much acceount neither. He keeps two or three dogs and 
runs areound and hunts. I feel purty sorry fur Miranda, fur she 
was a tolerable nice sort of a gal and deserved tew git along better. 
If a man wants to make a livin' in this world ho mustn't spend much 
time runnin' reound through the woods with a gun and some dogs 
a tryin' tew ketch squirrels and sich things. Neow there was my boy 
Zedekiah, he was inclined consid'ably towards goin' a huntin', but I 
jest set my foot deown on it and I told Hezekiah, that's my pardher, 
that I wouldn't allow it. I sed as heow there warn't no use in bring- 
in' up a boy in idleness and it would be ^, purty good chance fur 



IUCHES HAVE WINGS. 159 

bringin' him up that way if we let him run eout intew the woods 
with a gun on his shoulder and two dogs a trottin' alter him, I hev 
an idee that huutin' and fiddliu' siir two good ways of makin' a boy 
shiftless and lazy. Neow there's Josiah Bolivar's boy — his name s 
Jonah. I think that's a horrid name tew give to a boy, fur it makes 
yon think of whales and sich things. If I couldn't git a better name 
fur a boy of mine I'd let him go without a name. But I was goin' 
tew tell yeou abeout Jonah Bolivar's fiddlin'. Wall, when lie was a 
boy he tuck a notion as heow he'd l'arn tew play on the fiddle, and 
his father incurridged him, fur he thought it would be a party big 
thing if Jonah could git tew be a musician. Wall, that boy tuck tew 
fiddlin' and continued tew fiddle and neow he won't dew nothin' else 
but fiddle. He don't know nothin* abeout work and he's purty 
sure tew be a lazy shiftless feller as long as he lives. When a boy 
takes a notion arter sich things as huntin' and fiddlin' I go in fur 
hevin' sich notions suppressed. I allers hev held tew the idee that 
we ought tew be useful in this world — we ought tew be doin' soine- 
thin\ Of course we hevn't a consid'able time tew live in the world 
and we ought tew be improvin' that time and endeavorin' tew dew 
somethin'. 

Mrs. I»". Did yeou hev any trouble in finding our aristocratical 
abode V 

Mrs. B. Aristocratical abode 1 I reckon that means this house of 
your'n ? 

Mrs. W. Yes, that's what I mean. 

Mrs. B. Wall, I didn't jest altogether exactly understand yeou. 
I know there's consid'able difference between the talkiu' of people 
here and the talkin' of the people deown tew Turkeytowu. 

Mrs. W. Yeou know we must talk accordin' to the circulars in 
which we move. We associate with some very high and aristocrati- 
cal families here and they use very high flown and phlegmatic lan- 
guage. 

Mrs. B. I've been telliu' Hezekiah we ought tew be endeavorin' 
tew improve some in our talkin'. Hezekiah is an awful reckless man 
tew talk ; he don't seem tew keer heow he does his conversin', and he 
sorter gits it all tangled up and smashed abeout. 

Mrs. W. I suppose your husband is still engaged in the science of 
makin' shoes and boots? 

Mrs. B. La ! sakes, no, he quit that a long spell ago, and neow 
he's got a purty big shoe store in Turkeytown. Hezekiah is a tolla- 
ble go ahead sort of a man if I dew say it myself. He t<>ld me tew 
ax Edward if he'd hev any notion of goin' intew partnership with 
liiiii. Hezekiah b;is tuck a notion as heow he'll come to the city too 
and git tew be a big feller. I reckon Hezekiah and Edward could 
dew a purty tearin' sort of a business if they were in partnership. 

Mrs. W Oh, it would be impossible for Mr. Wingerly to take 
your husband into partnership. He would not know how to do 
business in this great city and anioi^st aristocratical folks. 



160 fclCSES HAVE WlNOSi 

Mrs. B. But I reckon HeZekiah could Tarn heoW teW deW bitsi* 
liess here. I kalkilate he's as smart as Edward Winterly. 

Mrs. W. It requires a man to heV great business jollifications if 
he cau rise and go forwards. 

Mrs. B. Wall, I'm sure HeZekiah is a rale jolly man and I feel 
party sure he could git along first rate. 

Enter Benjamin Wingekl*, l., slightly intoxicated* 

Benjamin. How d'ye do, old woniau? Hello, there's somebody 
here — some old woman or another* 

Mrs. W. Benjamin, do not be so boisterous and piratical. This 
is a lady from the state or Maine. 

Mrs. B. Yes, I am your aunt, Belinda Bobb, 

Benjamin. Belinda Bobb I Let me See, who's Belinda Bobb? 
(Goes towards her, staggering slightly.) I believe I have never met 
you, Belinda Bobb. (Extends his hand.) How are you, old Mrs. 
Bobb, aud how are all the little Bobbs ? 

Mrs. B. (Shaking hands with him.) Your name is Benjamin, 
is it ? 

Benjamin. Yes, I believe my name's Benjamin, if I know myself. 
No, when I come to think of it, my name's Ben. 

Mrs. B Wall, Ben and Benjamin air jest the same. 

Benjamin. (Stepping back and raising Ids hands.) Prodigious! 
awful 1 astonishing 1 Is that a fact ? Mrs. Bobb, do you speak the 
truth? 

Mrs. B. Wall, 1 aiu't in the habit of lyiu'. 

Benjamin. Then, Mrs. Bobb, for the sake of the little Bobbs, for 
the sake of the rising generation and the country at large let me im- 
portune aud entreat you never to fall into that habit. It would cause 
me to shudder alj over my head if you should fall into that habit. 

Mrs. B. (Turning to Mas. Wingeuly.) Jemima, what's the 
matter with this boy of yeourn ? If he wasn't so young I would 
think he was drunk. 

Mrs. W. Benjamin, you had better retire and also go out of the 
room. 

Mrs. B. Oh, no, don't send him out of the room. He is a talkiu* 
boy and I sorter like tew hear him spreadin' himself. 

Benjamin. How are all the folks down at Turkey town ? Come, 
tell us all the news. 

Mrs. B. Wall, as fur as I know the folks air all gittin' along 
reasonably well. Neow, there's the Hookers ; I s'pose yeou don't 
know the Hookers ? 

Benjamin. The Hookers ? Let me see. Yes, I think I know the 
Hookers. They all had big eyes and red noses, hadn't they ? 

Mrs. B. Pooh ! no ! Jemima, what makes this boy of yeour'n 
talk that way ? Of course he didn't know the Hookers. I reckon 
he wasu't more'n a year old when yeou moved away from Turkey- 
town. 



KICHES HAVE WINGS. 161 

Mrs. W. Benjamin is a little too gabulous to-day. Benjamin, 

you bad better retire and absquatulate. 

Mrs, B. Absquatulate ! Good land of Goshen ! What's the 
nieanin' of that word, Jemima ? 

Benjamin. When she says for me to absquatulate she means for 
me to staud on my head. 

Mrs, W. Benjamin ! 

Mrs. B. Gracious ! dew yeou allow yeour boy tew perform sich 
doin's right afore yeour eyes? And is this the way the high £ty in' 
people of the city bring up their children ? Well I well J 

Benjamin. It isn't wicked to stand on your head. It conduces to 
the hympathic paralellograni of the nicklecorusters and thereby pro- 
duces the zumorinster of yougheogheny. Yes, it's all right. But 
you wanted to tell me about the Hookers. Go ahead. Commence 
at the old man and run down till you come to Bobert 

Mrs. B. There ain't no Bobert in the family. Yeou air the 
strangest boy I ever talked tew. Air yeou sure yeou hevn't been 
drin kin' ? 

Benjamin., I took some wine a short time ago. But yeou don't 
call that drinking, do you ? 

Mrs. B. Ah ! it's jest as I feared, yeou've been drinkin'. Yeou'll 
be pnrty sure tew come tew a bad end, and it'll be a great pity too, 
fur yeou seem tew be a smart boy. 

Benjamin. You are correct, Mrs. Bobb ; I am a smart bo} r , or, 
perhaps, it would better to say that I am a smart young man. But 
are you not going to tell me about the Hookers ? 

Mrs. B. I feel too sad neow tew talk abeout the Hookers or any- 
body else. (Bises and walks about.) Here's a boy who's goin' tew 
destruction. Heow much better it would hev been if his parents had 
stayed in Turkey town ! 

Benjamin. ( Rising -and walking about. ) Here is a woman. Her 
name is Mrs. Bobb. She is an old woman but she is goin' to 
destruction. How much better it would have been if she had stayed 
in Turkeytown. 

Mrs. B. Jemima, there should be something done. This boy is 
rushin' on tew destruction. In a few short years, if there is nothin' 
done tew arrest him in his course, he will be in a drunkard's 
grave. 

Benjamin. Jemima, the necessity of the hour demands that some- 
thing should be done. This old woman, whose name is Mrs. Belinda 
Bobb, is rushing on to destruction, and it may be that the little 
Bobbs with follow her. Something must be done or Turkeytown 
will be in a state of confusion. 

Mrs. W. Benjamin, you had better retire. 

Mrs. B. No, don't let him retire. Keep him here and let us en- 
deavor tew show him the error of his ways. 

Benjamin. Don't send Mrs Bobb to her home — yes, don't send 
her to Turkeytown. Keep her here — keep her away from the little 



162 1UCHES HAVE WlNGS. 



Bobbs. Let ns talk to her about the Bobbs and the Hookers, and 
let us endeavor to arrest her in her wild career, ( Gesticulating. ) 
What will become of all mankind in general and the little Bobbs ill 
particular if Mrs. Bobb rushes on to destruction. If she goes to de- 
struction will she take tbese bundles and boxes along with her? If 
she is going to destruction will she go by the way of Turkey- 
town ? Mrs. Bobb is an excellent woman, but "she anchored her 
hopes to this perishing world by the chain that her tenderness 
wove." Oh, I shudder when I think of the future of Mrs. Bobb 
and all the little Bobbs. Can we do nothing to arrest her in her 
wild career. We must endeavor to do something — we must talk 
to her — we must reason the case. And wouldn't it be a good 
idea to get the Hooker family to talk to her ? The Hookers under- 
stand her organization ; she has lived amongst the Hookers for a 
great many years ; therefore I think we should call in the Hoopers. 
Yes, every man and woman of the Hookers should be called in and 
they should talk to Mrs. Bobb and endeavor to show her that she is 
rushing on to destruction. And if she continues on in her wild 
career will she take the little Bobbs along ? That is the question 
which is now agitating the public mind. Yes, by all means, let the 
Hookers be called in, and if Mrs. Bobb is bent on going to destruc- 
tion I suppose we will have to let her go. But we must not let the 
little Bobbs go to destruction ; we must endeavor to hold them back 
and keep them in check. 

" And the Star-Spangled banner in triumph shall wave 
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave. " 

Fellow citzens, we must wake up ; there is a work for us to do, " I 
have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp 
of experience. 1 know of no way of judging of the future but by the 
past, and judging by the pa t I wish to know what' T is to become of 
the little Bobbs. If one Bobb rushes on to destruction must all the 
other Bobbs follow ? No, fellow citizens, they must not. We must 
do something. Why stand we here idle? Fellow citizens, "It is 
natural for man to indulge in the illusions of hope. We are apt to 
shut our eyes against a painful truth and listen to the song of that 
siren until she transforms us into beasts. Is this the part of wise 
men engaged in a great and arduous struggle for liberty ? Are we 
disposed to be of the number of those, who having eyes, see not, and 
having ears, hear not, the things which so nearly concern their tem- 
poral salvation? For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may 
cost, I am willing to know the whole truth and to provide for it. I 
have but one lamp by which my feet " Hold on, I said that be- 
fore. But, fellow citizens, we return again to the Hooker family 
and also to the little Bobbs We have nothing further to say about 
Mrs. Bobb. She has gone to destruction, but she forgot to take her 
bundles and boxes with her. What can we do? How shall we 



RICHES HAVE WINGS. 163 

gather in these little Bobbs who fire flying around like the sero and 
Withered leaves before the angry gusts? Do you give it up? So 
do I. " In vain, alter these things may we indulge the fond hope of 
peace and reconciliation. There is no longer any room for hope. If 
we wish to be free ; if we mean to preserve inviolate those inestima- 
ble privileges for which we have- been so long contending ; if we 
mean not basely to abandon the noble struggle in which we have 
been so long engaged, and which we have pledged ourselves never to 
abandon, until the glorious object of our contest shall be obtained ; 
we must figlit ! I repeat it," Mrs. Bobb, Ave must fight! (Doubles 
up his fist and advances as if to strike Mrs. Bobb.) Come on, Mrs. 
Bobb. The Revolutionary war is just breaking out, and before two 
days it will be revoluting all over this land. What do you say, Mrs. 
Bobb? Will you fight? 

Mrs. B. Goodness ! I never did see sich a boy in all my born 
days. Jemima, hadn't yeou better send him tew bed? I dew be- 
lieve the boy is crazy. 

Benjamin* (Striking a?i attitude.) — 

**'Tis now the very witching time of night ; 
When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out 
Contagion to lids world. Now could I drink hot blood 
And do such business as the bitter day 
Would quake to look on." (Ex.it R, 

Mrs, B, The boy surely must be gittin' wrong in his mind. 

Mrs, W, No, he's only actin' up. 

Mrs. B, Wall, but yeou know he said he'd been drinkin'. 
Oughtn't yeou tew dew somethin', Jemima, tew try tew stop him in 
his career ? 

Mrs. W. Oh, what can I do? There is sich a vast quantity of 
temptation all around the young men in a city. 

Mrs, B. Wall, it 'pears tew me that afore I'd let that boy go tew 
destruction I'd move back tew Turkey town. 

Mrs, W. Move back to Turkeytown ! Never ! Mrs. Bobb, you 
know not what you say ; you are not aware of what you are utterin*. 
Do you think I could ever consent to leave this large and aristocrati- 
cal house? Do you think I could separate and tear myself away 
from the Walsinghams and the Clintons and the Fitz Boodles'? 
Never 1 The idea is absurdical. 

Enter Mr. Edward Wingerly, l. 

Mr. Wingerly. Ah ! there is a stranger here, and yet there may 
be trouble. 

Mrs. B. (Rising.) Edward, don't yeou know me? (Extends her 
hand. ) Heow dew yeou dew T ? 

Mr. W. (Shaking hands icith her.) Is it you, Belinda? I am 
surprised to see you. I am delighted also. When did you arrive ? 



l&i BICHES HAVE WINGS. 

Mrs. B. Oh, jest a little spell ago. Yeou've been goin' up in the 
world, Edward. Yeou air purty grand neow. 

Mr. W. I am pretty grand, am I? Stop; sit down. (Motions 
her io be seated.) Dou't say anything more about being grand. 
There may be trouble yet. 

Mrs. W. What do you mean, Mr. Wingerly, when you say there 
may be i rouble ) et ? You act kind of stirruptitiously. 

Mr. W Stirruptitiously J Ha! ha! That's a good one. Oh, 
Jemima, don't use any more large words. It makes me nervous, and 
there may be trouble yet. 

Mrs. B. (Rising.) He acts kinder shaller. I wonder if every- 
body in this house is goin' crazy. (To Mit. Wingeklx".) Edward, 
Lev yeou had purty good health since yeou cum tew the city ? 

Mr. W. Yes, excellent health, first-rate health, tip-top health. 
Belinda, if I should go back to Turkey town, would there be room for 
me? Would the Turkey towners stand aside and say to me, "Ed- 
ward Wingerly, there is room for you yet in the soap and candle 
business ?" 

Mrs. W. (Aside, ) The man is certainly goin' distracted in his 
memorandum. 

Mrs. B. Why, Edward, what dew yeou mean? Would yeou 
railly leave this grand house and go back tew Turkey town? I be- 
lieve yeou air jest actin' up like yeou did when } r eou was a boy. 

Mr. W. Did I act up when I was a boy ? Perhaps I did. My 
boyhood days have passed away and now I am in a brown stone front 
and doing an extensive business in the city. Am I doing an exten- 
sive business ? 

11 That is the question ; 
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer 
The stings and arrows of outrageous fortune ; 
Or to take up arms against a sea of troubles, 
And, by opposing, end them ? To die, to sleep, 
No more ; and, by a sleep, to say we end 
The heart-aches and the thousand natural shocks 
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation 
Devoutly to be wished for." 

Mrs. W. Mr. Wingerly, what are you talking about ? You seem 
to be declamatizin'. Is there anything the matter with you ? 

Mr. W. Yes, I might say there was, and again I might say there 
wasn't. To tell the truth, I don't know. Sometimes I think there is 
and sometimes I think there isn't. Jemima ? 

Mrs. W. What? 

Mr. W. Don't say what — it is too plain — too unceremonious and 
disrespectful, as it were. It grates harshly upon the ear. You 
should say, "what, my lord?" 

Mrs. W. 'Deed, I won't say that ; it would be sacrabillious. 

Mr. W. (Laughs.) Ha! ha! I didn't think of that. If it 



BICHES HAVE WINGS. lfio 

would be sacrabillious you needn't say it. But, Jemima, I want to 
ask you a question ; are you equal to au emergency ? 

Mrs. W. Well — yes — I am equal to au Americancy ? (Aside.) 
But I don't know what that is. (To Me. Wingeely.) Indeed, I 
would Lave no hesitation in saying that I would be equal to two 
Americancies, if they weren't too big. 

Mr. W. I'm glad to hear you say so, for an emergency may 
arise. 

Mrs. W. Well, let it rise, I ain't af eared. 

Mr. W. Belinda, is there anybody in the soap and candle business 
now in Turkey town. 

'Mrs. B. Yes, Sam Johnston's workin' at it, but there ain't much 
push in Sam and he dou't git along very well. I s'pose yeou mind 
the Johnston's ? They lived eout on the hill. Sam married a gal by 
the name of Jerusha Jenkins. I s'pose yeou hain't forgot abeout the 
Jenkinses either? Jerusha was a purty nice gal, but I kalkilate she 
luck a wrong step when she married Sain Johnston. Them John- 
stons from fust tew last didn't hev much of the go ahead abeout 
them. There is Erastus Johnston too, and he ain't no better'n 
Sam. Erastus married a Tucker. I reckon yeou mind the Tucker 
family ? 

Mr. W. I have often heard of Dan Tucker, but I never had the 
pleasure of meeting him. 

Mrs. B. There warn't no Dan. I guess yeou air thinkin' abeout 
Jiuu 

Mir. W. Probably I was. Indeed I have so much to think about 
now I hardly knowjwhere to commence. Jemima, there may be 
trouble. An emergency may arise. 

Mrs. W. Well, as I said before, let it arise, 1 ain't afeared. 

Mr. W. It makes me happy to hear you say so. Now I must go 
again. Where's my hat ? 

Mrs. W. Mr. Wingerty, your hat is seated upon your head. 

Mr. W. (Putting up his Jiands. ) Yes, so it is. Well, let it sit 
there. If any man dares to pull it off I'll shoot him on the spot. 

(Exit e. " 

Mrs. B. (Aside.) It 'pears tew me that everybody is goin' crazy 
areound here. 

Mrs. W. My husband is very much ruffled and antepenultimated. 
Can it be possible that a panegyric is sweepin' over the land ? But, 
come, Mrs. Bobb ; I will show you to your room. 

Mrs. B. Wall, yes, I don't keer if I dew go and lie down a spell. 
I feel sort of tuckered eout, and when I get intew that condition there 
ain't nothin' that rests me so much as tew git a good sound sleep. 

(Exeunt Mes. Wingeely and Mes. Bobb, l. 

Enter Abaminta Wingeely and Randolph Aldaeoo, b. 

Randolph. My deaw Awaminta, the days dwag slowly by. I am 
impatient foaw the howaw to arwive when I shall call you mine. 



166 RICHES HAVE WINGS. 

Araminta. Only one short month, Randolph, and then we will be 
united. The dresses will be ready at that time. I think my dresses 
will be elegant. They are to be made at Mrs. Raymond's on Tenth 
street. Mrs. Raymoud is an elegant dress-maker. I always thought 
that when I should come to get married I would have my outfit made 
at Mrs. Raymond's. The hat shall cost about two hundred dollars. 
I mean to have an elegant hat. Papa says he is going to export one 
from Cork just for the occasion. 

Randolph. (Aside.) Expowt a bonnet fwom Cork! What an 
ignowaut woman she is ! But she's got the money and who cares? 
(lb Araminta.) You think you will be entiwely weady in one 
month ? 

Araminta. Oh, yes, I'll be ready. One of my dresses will cost 
over two hundred dollars, for I shall have it fringed with costly lace 
and trimmings and it shall be equal to anything ever worn by the 
most aristocratical woman since the time of the wars of the Swedes 
and Persians, and it shall not be outstripped by anybody since the 
abecedarian age. 

Randolph. (Aside.) Gwacious ! she's equal to her mother, but 
she's got the money and what's the difference. (To Araminta.) 
Beautiful Awaminta, I shall be a happy mowtal when you aw mine. 
I shall just be as happy as a big sun-flowaw, if I may be allowed to 
nse that expwession. 

Araminta. And I shall be happy too. But, Randolph, I have not 
told you about my elegant white satin dress in which I am to be mar- 
ried. Oh, it is an elegant dress ! The train will be three yards long, 
and you know that will be equal to nine feet ; and then I shall have 
an elegant over-dress delaborately trimmed. Indeed, I am deter- 
mined to outstrip Pauline Walsiugham, who was married a short 
time ago. 

Enter Mrs. Belinda Bobb, r. 

Mrs. B. I jest thought I'd come in and see heow yeou were gittin' 
along. (Araminta springs up.) Jemima sed as heow yeour beau 
was here and I thought I'd like tew take a look at him if I was goin' 
to be his aunt. 

Araminta. (Aside.) Oh, dear, what shall I do? (To Mrs. 
Bobb.) Leave the room ; why did you come here? 

Mrs. B. Wall, I was jest a tellin' yeou. I heerd as heow yeour 
beaux was in here and I thought I'd jest come in and take a look at 
him. (Aside to Araminta.) Hadn't yeou better give me an inter- 
duction tew him? 

Arambda. (Aside, sternly to Mrs. Bobb.) I command you, to 
leave the room. 

Mrs. B. Oh, neow, yeou needn't git obstreperous abeout it. I'm 
goin' tew stay until arter the weddin' and I'll see him any heow, and 
I might jest as w r ell see him one time as another. Heow dew yeou 
dew, mister. (Advances and extends her hand.) Heow hev yeou 



BICHES HAVE WINGs. 167 

been this long spell ? Araminta ought tew give us an interduction, 
but she doesn't someheow jest altogether feel inclined. But we kin 
speak anyheow, yeou know, and be sociable. 

Randolph. ( ltising and addressing Abaminta.) Is this one of the 
sewvants or is it a cwazy woman ? 

Mrs. B. Air yeou a furriner? Yeou hev sich a queer way of talk- 
in'. (To Araminta.) Araminta, is it possible yeou air goin' tew 
marry a furriner ? 

Araminta. Mr. Aldaroo, I hope you will hike no notice of this 
person. She is an old crazy woman who came here yesterday, and 
she wants us to believe she is a relation. 

Randolph. Mr. Wingerly ought to wise up and pitch her wight 
out into the stweet. 

Mrs. B. ( Straightening up and marching up to Randolph Aldaroo) 
Lookee, here, Mister Kangaroo, if yeou want her pitched intew the 
street s'pose yeou dew it yeourself. I kalkilate yeou ain't able. 
YeoiVve got a hang dog look abeout yeou too. And as fur bein' a 
relation of this here gal, Araminta, I am one and I kin prove it ; but 
1 must say I don't feel very proud of some of my relations nor I can't 
say I shill feef very proud of yeou if yeou git tew be a relation. 
I know all Jib tout tins family fur I'm Edward Wiugerly's sister, and I 
lived next door tew him in Turkeytown when he was ingaged in 
makin' soap and taller candles. 

Araminta. (Angrily) Stop, I say. Leave the room. 

Mrs. B. Neow don't, ^it cranky. 'Tain't no kind of use. Jest sit 
deown and go on with yeour spookin'. I won't say nothin' more 
abeout the business yeour dad and inarm were ingaged in when they 
lived in Turkeytown, but, land sakes ! it ain't no disgrace tew be a 
soap and candle maker. Anything that is honest is honorable. Jest 
sit deown neow and don't git ruffled abeout nothin*. I want tew talk 
tew this feller a spell and mebbe I'll git tew like him. ( To [Ran- 
dolph Aldaroo.) What is yeour name, mister? 

Randolph. (Aside.) I suppose I'd better keep on the good side 
of the old heathen, (To Mbs. Bobb.) My name is YYandolph 
Aldaroo. 

Mrs. B. Aldaroo. Wall, that's sich a peculiar name. It sounds 
a heap like kangaroo. I s'pose yeou live in this big city when yeou 
air at home? 

Randolph. Yes, I weside in the city. 

Mrs. B. Heow long is it since yeou cum over. 

Randolph. Come ovaw f worn where ? What do you mean ? 

Mrs, B. Wall, I can't make eout where yeou come from, but yeou 
must he a furriner. I kalkilate yeou nil either an Irishman or a 
Dutchman or a Hottentot. I hevn't seed a Hottentot fur a good 
spell, but I think as heow yeou speak the Hottentot language. 

Randolph. You aw disposed to be sawcastic. 

Mrs. B. Sarcastic. 1 guess that's a new name fur rheumatiz. 
Wall, that 'pears tew be gittin' away from the subject, but I kin in- 



168 RICHES HAVE WINGS. 



form yeou that I ain't never in the least bit troubled in that way. I 
s'pose yeou've had the janders. Yeou look kind of yaller. 

Randolph. And you look kind of gween. I suppose you have 
lived in the countwy all youaw life. 

Mrs. B Wall, if I have lived in the country all my life I hain't 
much difflkilty in tellin' a scoundrel when I see him. Mr. Kangaroo, 
I kalkilate yeou belong tew that class. 

Araminta. ( In a passion. ) Leave the room instantly. How dare 
yon speak to one of my visitors in that way. 

Mrs. B. Keow jest keep cool, Araminta. 

Enter Mr. Edward Wingerly, d. , very much excited, leading in Mrs. 

WlNGJ&tt&X. 

Mr. W. Come in, Jemima, come in. " * Will you walk into my 
parlor?' said the spider to the fly." Yes, walk into the parlor, Mrs. 
Wingerly. But I can't say walk into my parlor, as the spider said to 
the fly. I have brought you here to tell you all about it. I see 
Araminta is here, and Mr. Aldaroo is here, and Belinda Bobb is 
here. Where is Benjamin ? Call in Benjamin and then we will all 
be here. We will assemble here in the parlor for the last time. I 
thought the trouble would come and it has come. " ' Will yeou walk 
into my parlor?' said the spider to the fly." Where's Benjamin? 
(Calls.) Benjamin J Ben-ja-min ! Come here. Walk into my 
parlor. No, not my parlor — no, indeed ! 

Mrs. W. Edward, what is the matter? What is the meaning of 
this combustion ? 

Araminta. Father, what is the matter ? Are you ill ? 

Mrs. B. What upon airth has broke loose any keow ? 

Mrs. W. Will you have a cup of tea to cheer you up and ratify 
your nervous cistern ? 

Mr. W. (Calls.) Benjamin I Ben-ja-min]! 

Enter Benjamin Wingerly, r. 

Benjamin. (SpeaJcimj as he enters.) — 

•• Have I not in my time heard lions roar? 
Have I not heard the sea, pufT'd up with winds, 
llage like an angry boar, chafed with sweat ? 
Have I not heard great ordnance in the field, 
And heaven's artillery thunder in the skies ? 
Have I not in a pitched battle heard 
Loud clarions, neighing steeds, aud trumpet's clang ? 
And do you tell me of a woman's tongue ?" 

Well, what's all this noise about ? Any trouble with Mrs. Bobb and 
tke little Bobbs? 



RICHES HAVE WINGS. 169 



Mr. W. Are we all here? Yes, we are all here. Then I shall 
proceed to speak. But Jemima, let me ask you a question. Can 
you be equal to an emergency ? 

Mrs. W. Mr. Wingerly, I have already told yon in plain charac- 
ters that 1 could be equal to that thing of which you speak. Indeed, 
I feel sure that I would be equal to two of them. 

Mr. W. I am rejoiced to hear it. Now, Araminta, are you equal 
to an emergency? 

Araminta. Pa, I don't know what you mean, but I can safely say 
I am. 

Mr. W. Good. Now, Mr. Aldaroo, if troubles should arise could 
you stand firm and support the American flag ? 

Randolph. Yes, I can stand fiwin. But what's the twouble about 
the flag ? Aw we going to have moaw waw and bloodshed ? 

Mr. W. No, no war; no bloodshed. The Revolutionary war is 
past, the war of 1812 is past, the Mexican war is past, the Rebellion 
is past. But the trouble at home has just commenced. 

Mrs. W. (Going to Me. Wingerly.) Oh, Edward, what is it? 
what is it ? 

Araminta. (Going to Mb. Wingerly.) Oh, father, speak and tell 
us what it is. 

Mrs. B. Oh, I guess he's jest actin' up like he used tew dew when 
he was in the soap and candle busiuess. Edward, don't yeou mind 
heow yeou hollered reound one night when yeou was a boy and 
skeered the Bobbins family ? They thought it was a wild animal. 
Oh, yeou were sich a case when yeou were a boy ! Jemima, I kalkil- 
ate yeou and Araminta needn't git flustrated on account of Edward's 
kerryin' on. He's jest a cuttin* up tew remind me of old times. 
Edward, I s'pose yeou hain't forgot abeout the Bobbins family ? You 
know there was Joe Bobbins and Tom Bobbins. They lived eout on 
the hill fur a spell, but they all got up one day and moved away. I 
guess they went eout west somewheres or another. 

Benjamin. The Bobbins family is gone and the Bobb family is 
going. Alas ! alas ! Good-bye, Bobb. 

Mrs. B. Teou've been drinkin' ag'in, hevn't yeou? 

Benjamin. No, I have stopped drinking and have taken to speak- 
ing. Mrs. Bobb, don't you think I am ready for the stage ? Hear 
me : 

' Poor naked wretches, wheresoe'er you are, 
That bide the pelting of this pitiless storm, 
How shall your houseless heads, and unfed sides, 
Your loop'd and window'd raggedness, defend you 
From seasons such as this ?" 

Mr, W. Silence, Benjamin. Let me speak. I have a tale to un- 
fold. The crash has come ; yes, the crash has come and we are 
crushed. Perhaps it would be better to say the crash has come and 



170 EICHES HAVE WINGS. 



we are crashed. I hoped that the flood of disaster would not over- 
take us, but it did overtake us aud we are swept away — we are gone 
dowu — we are swallowed up. Aud now the Clintons and the Wal- 
singhanis and the Fitz Boodles will rejoice. What can we do? 
That's the question ; what can we do ? I know what I can dot I can 
go into the soap and candle business again. But here are my wife 
and my daughter and my son ; can they go into the soap and candle 
business? Oh, I shudder when I think of my wife and my daughter 
and my son. But we must get out of this ; yes, we must get out of 
this. Why did we come here ? What can we do ? I have it. We 
must go to Turkeytowu. Once more we must dive into the soap and 
the grease ; once more we must gather together the tallow from the 
neighboring hills and mould it into candles. 

Mrs. W. Edward, do you speak the truth ? Are we ruinated? 

Mr, W. Yes, I speak the truth. I cannot tell a lie ; I did it with 
my little hatchet. Yes, Jemima, we are not worth a cent, and in a 
few days the red flag will wave over our heads. 

Araminta. Oh, how can I endure this? But, Randolph, I have 
you to lean upon. 

Randolph. This is a distwessing family scene and I believe I 
ought to wetire. Miss Awaminta, you will consider our engagement 
at a close. 

Araminta, Oh, Randolph, will you desert me in my hour of trou- 
ble ? ( Weeps.) Oh, Randolph, will you leave me now? 

Mr. W. Desert you? No. of course he will not desert j T ou? 
(Speaking sternly to Randolph. ) Are you a man ? 

Mrs. B. No, he ain't nothing but a kangaroo. 

Randolph. This is a vewy distwessing case. I think I had bettaw 
wetire and think the mattaw ovaw. 

Mr. W. Didn't you say you would stand by the American flag? 
What do you call yourself? Benjamin, make haste, bring my re- 
volver. If 3 t ou can't find the revolver, bring the old shot gun. 

Randolph. Oh, don't shoot. Weally, this is distwessing. 

(Exit, hastily, l. 

Mrs. B. That feller's nothin' but a sheep. 

Araminta. (Weeping.) Oh, he's gone — he's gone! What shall 
I do ? 

Mrs. B. Wall, I wouldn't waste many tears over a kangaroo. He 
didn't care fur yeou, he only wanted yeour money. 

Mrs. W. Is it really true that we have gone down in the great 
whippoorwill of bankruptcy ? 

Mr. W. Yes, it is true. And this is what overtakes a man when 
he goes into a business he knows nothing about. But there's no use 
in crying over spilled milk. We must commence again — we must 
step down from our present position and again become soap and 
candle makers. 

Benjamin. I believe I shall go on the stage. Hear me : 



RICHES HAVE WINGS. 171 



" I could a tale unfold, whose lightest word 
Would harrow up thy soul ; freeze thy young blood, 
Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres ; 
Thy knotted and combined locks to part, 
And each particular hair to stand on end, 
Like quills upon the fretful porcupine." 

Mrs. W. Edward, I am ready to go with you. I can take my 
place at your side and go with you into the soap and candle busi- 
ness. 

Mr. W. Noble woman ! I feared you would shrink from it, I 
feared you would weep and lament because you would have to 
leave the Clintons and the Walsinghams and the Fitz Boodles, 
and give up your flounces and laces and gew-gaws and furbelows, 
but you have proved yourself to be a sensible woman — yes, a sensible 
woman, and I am proud of you. 

Araminia. And I can be a sensible girl, too. I shall not give 
another thought to Randolph Aldaroo, I shall lay aside my pride, 
and if you are to again be a soap manufacturer, I am ready to 
take my place as a soap manufacturer's daughter. 

Mr. W. Araminta, you are a noble girl. I begin to see that I 
have a sensible family after all. 

Benjamin. Soap is good in its place, but I shauldn't like to live 
amongst soap. I think I shall take the stage. Hear me : 

" There is a tide in the affairs of men 
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune ; 
Omitted, all the voyage of their life 
Is bound in shallows and in miseries." 

If I take the stage I have no doubt I shall become famous. 

Mrs. B. Pooh ! don't think of sich a thing. Come with me tew 
Turkeytown and I'll make a man of yeou. Yeou hev had nothin' 
tew dew here and neow yeou hev got it intew yeour head that yeou 
kin be a stage driver. It's a lazy business and most all stage 
drivers tell awful big yarns. Don't think of sich a thing. Come 
eout tew Turkeytown and we'll set yeou tew work. 

Mr. W. (Speaking to the audience.) Ladies and gentlemen, we 
have lost our money, but we are not ruined. No, we are not ruined. 
My wife and my daughter are noble women, and they are willing to 
go with me again into the soap and candle business. All I have to 
say is, if you want anything in our line, give us a call. 

Benjamin. (Shouting like a soap man.) S-o-a-p-ee, s-o-a-p-ee, 
s-o-a-p-ee, s-o-a-p-ee, soap, soap ! 

Mrs. B. (Advances and speaks to the audience. ) Ladies and 
gentlemen, I kalkilate I know a thing or two. When people git 
too much uplifted they air purty sure tew git a fall. Some people 



172 RICHES HAVE WINGS. 



air sensible people and the} 7 can endure sich a tumble as we hev 
•witnessed here. Remember one thing, "liiehes Have Wings," so 
don't git tew feelin' too big jest because yeou hev a little money. 
I hev money — plenty of it. And neow jest ax yeourselves if I look 
like a proud, stuck-up old woman. That's all. Our play is ended. 
Good-night. 



Disposition of Characters, 



,r* Mrs. Bobb. «. 



CUETAIN. 



THE RECLAIMED FATHER. 

a SKETCH, IN TWO SCENES, 



(m; 



THE RECLAIMED FATHER. 



I O J- 



CHARACTERS, 



William Vinton, An Intemperate Father, 

Hakky Vinton, \ ++. /u n^ 

Enoi-a Vinton, \\Bis OhMrtn, 

John Watson, Proprietor of the "Barley Sheaf/ 1 

Sam Jones, ) « r * . 

Jake Hoofel, [ *<™°™ W«* 



COSTUMES, 
MoDebn— To suit the characters* 

PROPERTIES, 

Bar, bottles, glasses, cigar boles, &c. Checker board and checkers. 
Tables, chairs and bench. Tin money for William Vinton. Bed 
and bed clothes, pillows, &c. Table* Two chairs. Medicine bottles. 
Cups* Candle* 



(IW) 



THE RECLAIMED FATHER. 



Scene I. — Bar-Room of a Village Tavern, 

William Vinton and Sam Jones discovered seated at a table, playing 
checkers, Jake Hoofel lying on a bench, John Watson behind 
bar, 

Sam. I tell yon, Bill Vinton, you can't cheat me that way. I 
know what's fair and what isn't fair. 

William. I ain't cheating yoU* 

Sam. I say you are. D'ye think I never played checkers afore ? 
I guess I know what I'm doin\ 

William. I guess you're drunk ; that's what's the matter with 
you. 

Sam. (Springing up.) Don't say that again, Bill Vinton, or I'll 
smash yon. 

Jake. T'under und lightnin', dere's goin' to pe a pig fuss a'ready, 
What's der row apout anyhow ? 

William. I ain't afraid of you, Sam Jones. (Rises.) You're a 
sneak and a liar and you're drunk. 

Sam. (Seizing the checker board and striking William on the head 
with it — William falls. ) I'm drunk, am I ? Alid what are you ? 

Jake. Veil, I t'inks he is pooty badly floored. Dot means dot he 
has got himself knocked down. 

John. We won't have any fightin' here. If you want to fight, go 
ont of doors. 

William. I'll pay you for this, Sam Jones. 

(176) 



17G THE RECLAIMED FATHER. 

Sam. Pay ! Pooh ! you hain't got anything to pay with. Yon 
spend all 3 T our money for whiskey. 

William. ( Rising. ) Bat it won't require money to pay you; I 
can do it with my fist. 

Jake. Money's burty scarce, but dere's blenty of fists dese 
times. 

John, Sit down and be friends again. There's no use in quar- 
relin'. 

William. I want something to drink ; I want to git myself roused 
up 

Jake. Dot's shoost like me ; I vants to git roused up too. 

William. Well, come up and drink, Jake. As for Sam, I sha'n't 
ask him again. 1 don't want to drink with a dog. 

Sam. ( Springing up. ) Do you say I'm a dog ? 

William. Oh, don't bother me now. Wait until I get two or 
three drinks ; wait until I get fully aroused and then I'll talk to 
you. 

Sam. You're a coward ; you're afraid to fight. 

Jake. Shoost vait till Villiam und me gits aroused und den ve'll 
show you if ye are gowards. 

Sim. Ah ! and you're goin' to git the Dutchman to do the fightin' 
for you ? 

Jake. No, he isn't gittin' me to help. He can do his own fightin'. 
But I alvays stand up for a shendleman. 

John. Come now, no quarrelin'. William, what will you have ? 

William. Give me whisky ; I want to get roused up. 

Jake. Und I'll dake visky too. I vants to git roused up enough 
to see fair play. (John Watson sets down bottle and glasses. 

Sam. ( Sneeringly. ) Brave men It takes two of you to talk to 
me, and w r hen it comes to fightin' I s'pose it will take two of you to 
fight me. Bah ! sich men ! 

Jake. Veil, if I vas you I vouldn't plow too much. I am a 
beaceable feller, but if I git roused up I smash around treadful. 

William. Beady ? 

Jake. Yes. ( They touch glasses and drink. 

Sam. I reckon that tastes purty good. And I suppose it's gittin 
you roused up. 

~W illiam. (Laying down money. ) I always pay as I go, don't I ? 

John. Yes, people never get in debt in this house. I go on the 
cash principle. 

Jake. Veil, dot's de righd brinciple to go on. 

John. Now, I'd like you and Sam be friends again. Go and sit 
down and continue your checker playin'. 

William. Play checkers with a houud who has hit me on the head 
with a checker-board ? Never ! At least not until I have thrashed 
him. 

Sam. Which will never be. 

Jake. Veil, for my bart, I am a beaceful man und ton't like to 



THE RECLAIMED FATHER. 177 

see fighdin', but I ton't vant to see a shendlenians drampled on mid 
scrunched down. 

Enter Henry Vinton, r, 

Sam. Bill Vinton, here's your boy after you. Better go home 
and git them some bread 

William. Mind your own business, Sam Jones. John, give me 
another drink, and then I'll be up to the fightin' point. I want to 
shut this dog's mouth for him. 

John. It you light you must fight out on the street. Have you 
money to pay tor another drink ? 

William. Yes, just enough to pay for one more. Jake, I can't 
treat you this time. 

J ike. Veil, I t'inks dot if a mau can't carry enough money to 
treat his friends he ain't of much aggount. 
William. How much money do you carry ? 

Jake. Dots none of your peesness. You are trunk und ton't 
know how to dalk to shendlemens. 

Harry. (To William. ) Father, Enola says she is dying and 
wants to see you. 

William. Is she worse ? 

Harry. Yes. a great deal worse. 

William. Then 1 11 go. I don't want your whiskey now, John. I 
ought to have been at home long ago. 

Sam ( Sneeriugly. ) Better take your drink and git roused up. 

Jake. Veil, now, Villiam, I vouldn't sneak oud of a fighd dot vay. 

William. Come, Harry, we will go. 

(Exeunt William and Harry, r. 

Sam. That man doesn't amount to much. 

Jake. Veil, I t'inks he is petter as you, anyhow, for he can dreat a 
feller und you can't. 

Sam. I don't ^o around treatin' Dutchmen. 

Jake. No, I t inks you are too mean to go aroundt dreatin' any- 
pody but yourself. 

Sam. Jake Hoofel, I don't want any of your impudence. I won't 
have it. 

Jake. I vill shoost dalk as much as I vants to. I ain't afeared of 
no loafer. 

Sam. Do you call me a loafer ? 

Jake. Yes, you are a loafer, und a mean feller too. I t'inks you 
are shoost of no aggount. 

Sam. (Advancing as if to strike him.) You lazy Dutch dog, I'll 
stop your talk. 

Jake. Shoost hit me now und dere vill pe a smoke. 

Sam. (Striking at him.) There, take that. 

John. (Rushing between them. ) Stop your fightin', I say, and git 
out of my house. ( Takes them by the collars of their coats and pushes 
them out. ) There, now ; if you must fight, fight on the street 



178 THE RECLAIMED FATHER. 



Scene II. — A Boom, Scantily Furnished. Bed near c. Two chairs e., 
one l. Table with vials, cups, &c. , thereon, near bed. 

Enola Vinton discovered lying on bed, propped up with pillows. 

Enola. (Speaking as if very much exhausted.) I wonder if they 
will not come soon. Ob, I'd like to Bee father once more before I 
ilie, but I fear he will not come. And it may be that he will be 
angry because Harry has come for him, and he may beat him so 
that he will not be able to come home. Oh, will I have to die here 
all alone ? No, they are coming ; 1 thought they would come. God 
is very kind and gracious. (Lifting her voice in prayer. ) Our 
Father in Heaven, I beseech Thee hear my prayer. Grant that my 
father may be turned from his evil course ; grant that he may be- 
come a good and a useful man, and that he may be kind to my little 
brother when I am gone. Oh, I beseech Thee, hear my prayer for 
Jesus' sake. * 

Enter William and Haeey Vinton, e., ichile Enola is praying. 

William. ( Coming to her bedside. ) Are you worse, Enola ? 

Enola. Yes, dear father, I am going ; I feel that I cannot be here 
long. I am glad you came. 1 wanted to see you before I would 
die. 

William. (Very much affected.) My poor child, I should not 
have left you ; but I did not know you were worse. Oh ! this thirst 
for drink ! How it masters me ! How it controls me ! Oh ! would 
to God I could break away from it and be a free man again ! 

Enola, Dear father ; that is what I wanted to talk to you about. 
I wanted to ask you once more if yon would not try to break away 
from the habit and be the same kind generous father you were before 
mother died. 

William. (Weeping.) Oh, Enola, I have prayed for strength to 
battle manfully against the demon. I know where I am standing. I 
know where I am going, but it seems that I cannot keep from falling. 
Oh, Enola, you never can know what I have suffered and how I have 
endeavored to break away from this fearful thraldom. 

Enola. Think of our dear mother in Heaven. — think how sad she 
will feel if you do not meet her there. This may assist you to with- 
stand temptation. I am going to Heaven, father ; I expect to be 
there before sunrise, and I want to see you again. Oh, dear father, 
will you not meet me there ? 

William. (Bowing his head on the bed and weeping. ) My darling 
child, 1 will try, I will try. But, Enola, do not leave me ; oh, do 
not go away now ; I am going to try to do better — I am going to 
strive mightily to conquer, and it would help me so to have you 
here. 



THE BECLAIMED FATHEB. 179 

Enola. But, dear father, I cannot stay. My hour Las come and I 
must go. Be kind to Harry, and let us all meet again in Heaven. 
But I am tired. Harry, will you sing "We Shall Meet Beyond the 
River?" 

Harry. Yes, Enola. 

SONG.— Hai;ry. 

"We Shall Meet Beyond the Elver" 

" We shall meet beyond the river, 

By and by, by and by ; 
And the darkness shall be over, 

By and by. by and by ; 
With the toilsome journey done, 
And the glorious battle won, 
We shall shine forth as the sun, 

By and by, by and by. 

We shall strike the harps of glory, 

By and by, by and by ; 
We shall siug redemption's story, 

By a ud by, by and by ; 
And the strains for evermore 
Shall resound in sweetness o'er 
Yonder everlasting shore, 

By and by, by and by. 

We shall see and be like Jesus, 

By and by, by and by ; 
Who a crown of life A\ill give us 

By and by, by and by ; 
And the angels who fulfil 
All the mandates of His will 
Shall attend and love us still, 

By and by, by and by. 

There our tears shall all cease flowing, 

By and by, by and by ; 
And with sweetest rapture knowing, 

By and by, by and by ; 
All the blest ones, who have gone 
To the land of life and song, 
We with shoutings shall rejoice, 

By and by by and by. 

Enola. I think I hear the angels over on the other shore. How 
sweetly they sing ! Father, are you there ? 
William, Yes, my child. 
Hairy. Father, is she dying ? 



180 THE RECLAIMED FATHER. 

William, Yes, she is going away from us. Come near if you 
would see her before her eyes are forever closed in death. 

Harry. (Bending over and kissing Iter.) Oh, Enola, do not go ! 
How can I live without you ? Oh, it will be so lonely ! No mother, 
no sister. ( Weeping. ) Oh, Enola, do not go. 
Enola. Now I am going down into the valley. 
William. Her mind is wandering. 

Enola. I am goiug down into the valley, but soon I shall reach the 
other shore, where all is peace and joy and love. Mother, let us sing 
and be happy, Father has said that he will stop drinking. Oh, I 
am so glad ! Then he will take care of Harry, and both of them 
can come to Heaven when they die. Mother, let us sing. 

(She sings feebly. 
"Shall we gather at the river, 

Where bright angel feet have trod ; 
With its crystal tide for ever, 
Flowing by the throne of God ? 

Chorus. Yes, we'll gather at the river, 

The beautiful, the beautiful river — 
Gather with the saints at the river, 
That flows by the throne of God." 

And father will never drink any more. They will always have food 
to eat and clothes to wear, and now if we could all be at home again, 
how happy we could be ! But they will be happy, for I know father 
will be kind to Harry, and he has said he will not drink any more, 
and I know he will keep his promise. (Sings softly. 

"Yes, we'll gather at the river, 
The beautiful, the beautiful river— 
Gather with the saints at the river, 
That flows by the throne of God." 

(Curtain descends slowly while she is singing. 



LEAVING JONAH. 

A SKETCH, IN ONE SCENE. 



(in; 



LEAVING JONAH. 



CHARACTERS. 

Oliveb Jonathan Jackson, A Widower. 
Jonah Capsdell, A Simple-Minded Youth. 
Frank Ray, A Mischievious Youth. 

Miss Ellen Eldeb, An Elderly Maiden* 



COSTUMES.— MODERN. 



PROPERTIES. 

Tables. Chairs. Sofa. Easy chairs, stools, &c. Closet, U.E.B. 
Two plates of doughnuts for Ellen. 



(182) 



LEAVING JONAH. 



Scene. — A Room, Neatly Furnished. Closet, u.kb. 
Jonan Capsdeix and Fjsank Kay discovered. 

Frank. Jonah, have you never thought of getting married. 

Jonah. Oh, yes ; yes, sir ; I hev thought of that heaps of times. 
But I don't know whether I could git anybody to hev me or not. 

Frank. Pooh! you're too modest. Have you ever asked any- 
body? 

Jonah. No, I hevn't jest axed anybody to hev me, but I've come 
awful near to it. 

Fi-ank. How near did you come to it ? 

Jonah. Well, I thought about it a good deal, and I felt like it a 
heap, and I purty near axed a girl, but somehow I didn't ax. 

Frank. Ah, yes, I see ; you were afraid to ask. 

Jonah. No, I wasn't afraid to ax ; no, sir ; no, sir-ee ; but some- 
how I didn't quite git it done. 

Frank. What was the reason, then, that you did not ask the 
lady? 

Jonah. *Twasn't a lady ; it was jest a girl. I don't care fur tellhV 
who it was, It was Sally Slope. She's a girl, isn't she ? 

Frank. Yes ; but why was it you didn't ask Sally when you felt so 
much like doing so ? 

Jonah. Well, somehow, I don't jest exactly know, but jest about 
the time I was goiu' to ax her there was a nutter about the innermost 

(183) 



184 LEAVING JONAH. 



regions of my heart and I felt sorter queer, and I thought I'd jest 
better not try too much for fear I would take the palpitulations or 
the colly wobbus or somethin' or another. 

Frank. You shouldn't have given up so easily. . Sally's married 
now and so you've lost her. 

Jonah. ( Wiping his eyes.) Yes, she's gone, poor dear girl, audi 
jest thought a heap of her. Do you think it would be goin' ag'in 
the Scripters to go and shoot the man what took her away from 
me. 

Frank. Yes, that would be awful, cruel, wicked. But you needn't 
despair; there are hundreds of other girls. You know there is an 
old maxim which says: "There are as good fish in the sea as ever 
were caught. " 

Jonah, There's some whales in the sea too, isn't there ? 

Frank, Yes. 

Jonah. Well, s'posin' we go a fishin' some day. There's plenty of 
worms out in our back yard. 

Frank. But it is another kind of a fish you want to catch. You 
want to get married, don't you ? 

Jonah. Yes, I want to get married awful bad, but if I can't git 
married I'd like to go a fishin'. 

Frank. Well, sir, I think I can get a wife for you. 

Jonah. Oh, kin you ? I'm so tickled 1 could a : most fly. Who is 
the girl ? Is she party ? 

Frank. No, not beautiful, but she would, no doubt, make an ex- 
cellent wife. 

Jonah. I'd like to hev a purty girl. Sally was a party girl, but 
she's gone. (Sobbing and wiping his eyes.) It's purty hard to keep 
from cryhY when I think about Sally. 

Frank. Pooh ! don't think about Sally ; she's gone and there are 
other girls who are a great deal better. 

Jonah. Now, do you railly think so ? I thought Sally was purty 
nice. 

Frank. But the one I have in view will suit you a great deal better. 
She is somewhat older than you, but you will not object to her on 
that account, I suppose ? 

Jonah. Oh, no, [ don't care if she only makes good pies and 
doughnuts. 

Frank. Well, I can assure you that as a pie and doughnut baker 
she is equaled by few and excelled by none. 

Jonah. That means she's purty good at makin' pies and dough- 
nuts, doesn't it? 

Fi-ank. Yes, that's what I mean. She'll suit you exactly. As I 
said before, she is somewhat older than you, but that is better for 
)ou. I think you should marry a lady older than yourself. 

Jonah. I thought it was a girl I was goin' to marry. 

Frank. Yes, it is. A lady is only another name for a girl. 



LEAVING JONAH. 185 

Jonah. Well, I didn't know. I allers bad an idee that a lady was 
a highfalutin' sort of a woman. 

Frank. Don't you want to know who the girl is you are to marry ? 

Jonah. Yes, I'd like to know, and if you bev got any of her 
doughnuts in your pockets I'd like to taste one, jest to see how they 
do taste. 

Frank. I am sorry to say I have none of her doughnuts with me. 
But you can rest assured that she can't be beaten in the line of 
making and baking doughnuts. 

Jonah* Well, I'm awful glad to hear it, fur I'm jest goiii' to purty 
nigh live on doughnuts when I git married. 

Frank. That's right, live on doughnuts and you'll be a happy 
man. * 

Jonah. Yes, that's jest what I think about it. Now I s'pose you 
might tell me the name of the girl. 

Frank. Her name is Ellen Elder, She is an aunt of mine. I sup- 
pose you have seen her ? 

Jonah, Is it that old woman what you call Aunt Ellen? 

Frank. Yes, that's the one. 

Jonah. She can't make doughnuts, I s'pose. 

Frank. Yes, splendid doughnuts. 

Jonah. "Well, I would bev thought that she was jest somewhat too 
old to make sich things. I s-'pose she kin make doughnuts, but then 
there's a difference in doughnuts. A'niost anybody kin make some 
kind of doughnuts, but 1 allers had an idee that it took a purty girl 
to make good doughnuts. Your Aunt Ellen, she isn't very purty. 

Frank. Oh, she might be said to be passably handsome, but what 
is beauty when compared with doughnuts? 

Jonah. Yes, I know, doughnuts is the principal thing. Well, do 
you think I kin git her? 

Frank. You mustn't be afraid to ask her anyhow ? Don't get 
frightened as you did when you were going to ask Sally Slope. 

Jonah. Oh, I didn't git frightened ; no, sir ; no, sir-ee. But I 
jest thought I might take the palpitulations, and then I'd be a 
goner. 

Frank. Well, you must ask Aunt Ellen if you want her. You 
can't expect a woman to ask you. 

Jonah. But if she would only jest ax me you know it would keep 
me from bavin' that flutterm', and I heerd of a man what died once 
on account of a flntterin' of that kind. 

Frank. The fluttering won't hurt you. Don't be a goose and let a 
good chance slip past you. 

Jonah. Oh, yes, I'll ax her ; yes, I'll ax her ; yes, sir-ee. 

Frank. Remember if you lose her you lose an excellent doughnut 
maker. Come along and I'll show you where to find her. 

Jonah. Oh, I'll ax her. Yes, I'm sot upon it. Yes, sir-ee, I'll ax 
her, colly wobbus, or no colly wobbus ; yes, sir-ee. 

(Exeunt Fbank and Jonah, l. 



186 LEAVING JONAH. 

/^Enter Miss Ellen Eldee, r. 

Ellen, I s'pose I'm fifty years of age, or pYaps more, and I must 
make one more, yes, one more desperate effort to git married. Why 
is it that I am obliged to pine in silence and solitude while others 
are gittin' married every day ? Oh, I long for a lovin' companion to 
cheer me in my droopin' horns ! I long fur a companion who can 
pour consolation into my williu' ears. Yes, I must make one more 
desperate effort to git married ; I must not live to be called an old 
maid. Oh, I couldn't endure it ! But what shill I do ? Hhill I go 
out and ax the men sect to take pity on me? S'nill I go and ax 
Oliver Jonathan Jackson to be my lovin' pardner through this world? 
Oh, I'd love to be united to Oliver Jonathan in the holy bonds of 
wedlock, but I don't think I could go and ax him. How I wish he 
would come and ax me! (Knock at door, ) Goodness gracious ! I 
wonder if it is Oliver Jouathan. ( Opens door. ) How do you do ? 
Come in. I thought it was another man. 

Enter Jonah Capsdell, r. 

Jonah. I jest thought I'd come in to see you, Aunt Ellen, Yes, 
sir-ee, I jest thought I'd come in. 

Ellen. I'm not your Aunt Ellen, but take a chair and sit down. 

Jonah. (Seating himself.) I felt sorter lonesome ; yes, sir, that's 
the way I felt — sorter lonesome, and I thought I'd come in and talk 
to you fur a spell. 

Ellen. (Aside.) Poor fellow! he has no one to talk to and no 
one to cheer up his lonely life. I will converse with him fur awhile. 
( To Jonah.) Aud you feel lonesome sometimes, do you ? 

Jonah. Yes, I do, yes, sir, yes, sir-ee. I hev come in to talk to 
you fur awhile. Do you like doughnuts ? 

Ellen. No, I don't care nothin' fur them. They are too rich to 
agree with my digestificatiou. 

Jonah. Oh ! 

Ellen. I s'pose you don't understand big words. 

Jonah. Some big words I don't and some big words I do. You 
are rale sure you don't like doughnuts ? 

Ellen. I suppose I would like them if they would agree with my 
digestificatiou. 

Jonah. Well, sir, they agree with my bustification tip-top. Yes, 
sir ; yes, sir-ee ; they do that. I jest think I could eat doughnuts 
fur two weeks and never stop. Yes, sir. Oh, doughnuts is so 
good ! 

Ellen. I fear you are a gormandizer. 

Jonah. No, I'm a blacksmith. I'm tryin' to l'arn the trade with 
Peter Jenkins, but he says I'll never l'arn nothin'. 

Ellen. You wanted to see me, did you ? 

Jonah. Yes, I jest heerd you could make tip top doughnuts, and I 
thought I'd come in and see you about it. 



LEAVING JONAH. 187 

Ellen* Who told you I could make good doughnuts ? 

Jonah. Frank Ray told me. 

Ellen. You shouldn't let your mind run on sich groveling and 
unsatisfactory things. You should think about nohler and greater 
things. 

Jonah. Well, I jest think there can't be anything greater than 
doughnuts. 

Ellen. Do you ever read any ? 

Jonah. Yes, I read some, but I can't git along very fast. There's 
some awful hard words in the books these times. 

Eden. Do you like poetry ? 

Jonah. Well, I railly don't know. I never tasted any, but I'm 
death on pie. 

Ellen. And you like pie too ? 

Jonah. Yes, I do ; yes, sir ; yes, sir-ee. I heerd you was good at 
makin' pies too, 

Ellen. Have you never thought anything about gittiu' married ? 

Jonah. (Springing up, ) Hokey ! 

Ellen. What's the matter ? 

Jonah. Oh, I wes so startled— so kind of scared — I couldn't help 
jumpin'. Yes, I hev thought about it ; yes, sir ; yes, sir-ee. 

Ellen. Thought about what ? 

Jonah. (Sitting down again. ) About that what you was a speakin' 
about Yes, sir ; I hev thought about it ; yes, sir. 

Ellen. Do you mean gittin' married ? 

Jonah. Yes, that's it ; yes, sir-ee. I hev come in to talk about it, 
but I was a'most af eared to say anything. 

Ellen. Oh, you needn't be afraid to speak to me on that subject. 
I am always ready to sympathize and talk with anybody that has the 
great object of matrimony in view. 

Jonah. (Aside.) Hokey! I guess that means that she'll hev 
me. 

Ellen. Have you a pardner in view ? 

Jonah. Hev I a what in which ? 

Ellen. Have you a girl in view, or in other words, do you think of 
any one j'ou would like to git married to? 

Jonah. Oh, yes ; yes, sir. I hev my eve on one and I guess 
she'll hev me, but, ah !— eh, I can't jest say what I want to. 

Ellen. You need not fear to talk to me. I am your friend, and I 
have a feller feel in' fur you. 

Jonah. Could you git me a few doughnuts jest to make me feel 
more strong and sorter spruced up like ? 

Ellen. Certainly. Yes, I'll git you some doughnuts. ( Exit it. 

Jonah. She's a pur(y nice girl, but I s'pose she mast be middlin' 
old. I think I'll hev her. Yes, I'll ax her if the doughnuts is all 
right. If I had her I think I'd be purtv happy, fur I wouldn't do 
nothin' but eat doughnuts and pies. I'd give up the blacksmithin' 
trade clean and forever. Frank Ray is a nice feller and I'm glad he 



188 LEAVING JONAH, 



sent me to see this girl. I s'pect he wanted me to be a relation of 
his'n. What relation will I be when I git married to this girl ? I 
guess I will be his grandpap, or mebbe I will be his Uncle Bob. 

Re-enter Ellen Elder, r. , with plate of doughnuts. 

Ellen. (Setting plate on table beside Jonah.) Here are some 
doughnuts, Jonah, and I made them. When you have smashticated 
some of them you can judge what I can do in that line. 

Jonah. Oh, my, but they do look good ! 

Ellen. Help yourself, Jonah. 

Jonah. ( Taking up a handful and commencing to eat. ) Oh, 
sich good doughnuts as these is ! (Eating greedily. ) Oh, my, 
sich doughnuts ! I never did taste the like of sich doughnuts 
afore. 

Ellen. You like them then ? 

Jonah. (Still eating. ) Yes, sir ; yes, sir-eee. These is the smooth- 
est doughnuts I ever got my tongue around. They will make me 
feel strong and sorter spruced up, and I kin say what I hev to say 
and not be a bit afeared. 

Ellen. You might go on and continner to speak of your arrange- 
ments for gittin' married while you are eatiu\ 

Jonah. Oh, no ; no, sir-ee. Let me put down these doughnuts 
first, these good doughnuts, these smooth doughnuts. And when I 
hev got that done I will feel strong, and not a bit trimbly, and I can 
talk about gittin* married jest as slick as you please. 

Ellen. It always did delight my heart and my conscience and my 
powers of imagination and all sich things to see a young man enjoy- 
in' doughnuts. 

Jonah. (Still eating.) Oh, these is jest sich nice, good, sweet, 
slick, smooth doughnuts and the girl which made them must hev 
been an awful purty girl. 

Ellen. I made those doughnuts. 

Jonah. (Eating the last doughnut. ) Yes, I know, and I think 
you're a rale purty girl. ( Springing up. J Oh, hokey ! I said that 
afore I thought. 

Ellen. Sit down, Jonah, don't be alarmed. If you think I am a 
purty girl there is nothin' wrong about sayin' so. 

Jonah. ( Seating himself . ) But I ain't used to sayin' sich things 
and it sorter skeers me. 

Ellen. But if you think I am a fair looking woman it will please 
me to hear you say so. You might go on now and tell me who you 
goin' to marry. (Knock at door. 

Jonah. ( Springing up. ) Hokey! Thunder and tobackey ! There's 
somebody comin'. What'll I do ? 

Ellen. (Going to closet and opening door.) Here, step into this 
closet and you'll not be seen. 

Jonah. But who's a comin' ? I'd like to know. 



LEAVING JONAH. 189 



Ellen. I don't know who it is. You will not be disturbed if you 
keep quiet. 

Jonah. (Going into the closet.) I wish you would give me a few 
more of them doughnuts jest to keep me from feelin' weak and 
trimbly. 

Ellen. No, I haven't time now. 

(Jonah Capsdell goes into the closet, and Ellen Elder closes 
the door. Another knock at door l. Ellen Elder opens it. 

Enter Oliveh Jonathan Jackson, l. 

Oliver, Good evenin', Miss Elder. I'm glad to see you lookin' so 
well. 

Ellen. And I can say the same to you, Mr. Jackson. (Places 
chair.) Be seated and sit down on a chair, Mr. Jackson. You are 
quite a stranger. 

Oliver. Well, yes, I believe I hevn't been here fur some time. 

Ellen. Why do you absent yourself so long from the presence of 
your friends, Mr. Jackson ? 

Oliver. Well, to tell the truth, I hev been mighty busy fur a week 
or two. You see I hev been buildin' a new shop and a new cow 
stable, and Mewilda Jane Eliza, she's my oldest darter, she's been 
down with the measles and Sally Ann has had the whoopin' cough 
purty bad. 

Ellen. How tryin' it must be, Mr. Jackson, fur you to be both a 
pa and a ma to your children. 

Oliver. Well, yes, it is a purty tough predicament to be in. Miss 
Elder, I hev thought — yes, I hev thought, Miss Elder— that is, I 
think we will hev some rain before long if the wind keeps on bio win' 
the way it is blowiu' now. 

' Ellen. Yes, there is an appearance of rain, accordin' to the 
geometry which hangs out on brother William's pizarro. But what 
were you goin' to say, Mr. Jackson, in regard to your children and 
their future ? You was just sayin' that you had thought somethin' or 
another and then you stopped. 

Oliver. Well, to tell the truth, Miss Ellen, I think I had better not 
say anything more at this time. 

Ellen. (Aside. ) The doughnuts loosened Jonah's tongue ; per- 
haps they would make Mr. Jackson talk better too, and mebbe they 
would help him to come to the point. ( To Oliver. ) Excuse my 
prepositional absence for a short time and I will bring some refresh- 
ments. 

Oliver. Oh, Miss Elder, you needn't go to the trouble. 

Ellen. No trouble, Mr. Jackson, no trouble at all. (Exit r. 

Oliver. Well, now, to tell the truth about the matter, that's a 
purty fine woman. She seems to be perlite and gentlemanly, and I 
s'pose I couldn't do better than to ax her to be Mrs. Oliver Jonathan 
Jackson. I hev an idee that she would take purty good care of the 



190 LEAVING JONAH. 



cliilder and be a reasonable sort of a step-mother. If I could git 
along without a wife I s'pose it would be better, but I don't see how 
I can manage to git along. The long and the short of the matter is, 
I hev too much to do. I can't do the bossin' inside of the house and 
outside of the house too. Mewilda Jane Eliza's got the measles purty 
bad and Sally Ann is holleriu' around with the whoopin' cough. I 
guess I'll ask Miss Elder to-night. She's a purty fine woman and I 
s'pose I couldn't do any better, 

Re-enter Ellen Elder, r., with plate of doughnuts. 

Ellen. Mr. Jackson, you mustn't criticise and abominate my 
doughnuts too much. I didn't git them made quite right — that is, 
they weren't managed altogether in doughnutical style. ) Sanding 
them to Oliver. ) Take some. 

Oliver. ( Taking off one. ) Oh, I'll bet they are good if you made 
them. Maria Jane Smith says that as a doughnut baker you can't be 
excelled. 

Ellen. (Trybtg to blush.) Oh, you men are sich flatterers! I 
cau make tolerable doughnuts, but I missed these dreadfully. Try 
and worry a few of them down, Mr. Jackson. 

Jonah. (Shouting from the closet.) Don't let that big hog eat all 
them doughnuts. 

Oliver. ( Starting up. ) What's that ? I thought I heard a noise. 

Ellen. Oh, it was nothin' but my brother's children hollerin , 
around the house. They are continually shoutin' and gymuasticatin'. 
Be seated, Mr. Jackson, and do try and worry down some more of 
these horrid doughnuts. 

Oliver. (Seating himself.) Don't call those doughnuts horrid. 
They are no sich thing. They are the best doughnuts I ever had the 
pleasure of eatin'. 

Ellen. Oh, there you go again ! I declare the men sect are all a 
set of flatterers. (Aside.) I must give Jonah some doughnuts or 
or he'll make trouble. ( Takes a few doughnuts wiobserved by Oliver, 
opens the. closet door and pitches them in.) There, you blockhead, 
eat them and keep quiet. (Closes closet door.) Now, Mr. Jackson, 
help yourself to the doughnuts. 

Oliver. Oh, indeed, I couldn't eat another one. 

Ellen. (Seating herself. ) That's because they ain't good. I am 
very sorry I missed the maneuvorin' of them doughnuts. But 
I feel purty sure that the next lot I make will be all right. 

Oliver. Oh, you needn't apologize fur them doughnuts, fur they 
can't be beat by any woman in the United States of America. 

Ellen, Mr. Jackson, I am spasmodically thankful for your good 
opinion of my horrid and detestable doughnuts, but jest come over 
next week and see if you don't git somethiu' better in the doughnuti- 
cal line. 

Oliver. (Placing his chair near Ellen's.) Miss Elder, I hev 



LEAVING JONAH. 191 

somethin' to say to-night, and I s'pose you won't care if I sit along- 
side of you. 

Ellen. Oh, no, Mr. Jackson, not at all. There ain't nothin' wrong 
about that. 

Oliver. You know how I am situated, Miss Elder. You know I 
hev no one to oversee in the house and keep tbings from ^<>in' to 
smash and destruction. Mewilda Jane Eliza is down with the 
measles and {Sally Ann she's a whoopin' round the house with the 
wboopin' cough. In this dreadful state of confusion it 'pears to me 
that it devolves upon me to git a wife. I hev thought the matter 
over for some time and I feel purty sure I couldn't do better 
than to git yon. Now, Miss Elder, 1 won't make no big speeches 
about the matter, but I'll jest ax you plain and square will you 
marry me. 

Ellen. (Leaning against him.) Oh, Mr. Jackson — dear Oliver 
Jonathan, this is so unexpected ; it is almost like a clap of thunder 
in a field of potatoes. Do you really mean it, dear Oliver Jona- 
than ? 

Oliver. In course I do. Say the word, Ellen ; say that you will 
Lev me. 

Ellen. Yes, Oliver Jonathan, I will be thine own. You are a 
noble man and I will have you. 

Jonah. (Bursting the closet door and dashing out.) Murder! 
Thunder ! Hokey and Jerusalem ! 

Oliver. (Jumping up and running to Vie door.) Jehosophat ! 
what's broke ? 

Ellen. Oh, Oliver Jonathan, you needn't be alarmed. Come 
back ; it is only Johah. 

Oliver. (Returning.) Oh, is it that puddin' head ! 

Jonah. Oh, you mustn't take her from me. No, sir ; no, sir-ee ; 
don't take her from me ! I'll jest fight or I'll shoot ; yes, sir-ee. She 
makes .smooth doughnuts, and she must be my wife. Frank said 
she'd hev me. 

O'iver. Sileuce, you dunce. 

Ellen. Jonah, go home and don't disturb us for we are a happy 
couple. 

Jonah. Oh, I can't give you up ; no, sir ; no, sir-ee. Oh, I 
would be weak and trimbly all my life if I didn't git to eat your 
doughnuts! Oh, they are sich good, slick, nice, smooth dough- 
nuts 

Ellen. Jonah, I can't marry yon. It's an absurdification to speak 
of sich a tiling. I have a nobler husband in view and a nobler 
work to perform. Run home, Jonah, and don't make a dunce of 
yourself. 

Jonah. ( Wintpering.) Oh, boo hoo ! You 'peared to like me a 
heap till this old feller come. Yes, you did, aud I'll go and shoot 
myself. That's allers the way ; I'm jest losiu' everybody Eirst 
I lost Sally Slope and now I hev lost you ! And you could make sich 



192 leaving jonah. 

smooth doughnuts —boo boo ! I'll jest go away and die some day, 
I s'pect so I will. Oh, dear ! 

Oliver. Come, beautiful Ellen, take my arm and we'll retire from 
this sceue. 

EHen Yes, we'll withdraw. Good-bye, Jonah. Go home and 
don't make a dunce of yourself. ( Uxeunt Oliver and Ellkn, i.. 

Jonah. ( C'tjiiKj. J Yes, that's jest the way it is allers. One leaves 
me and then another leaves me. Yes, sir ; yes, sir-ee. And them 
was sich smooth doughnuts. Oh, I jest s'pect I'll die some day and 
that'll be good fur the people that leaves me. Yes, it will so ; yes, 
sir ; yes, sir-ee. And them was sich smooth doughnuts. Boo hoo ! 

(Melt L, 



CUBTAIN. 



BARKY PLAYS. 



A collection of Ethiopian Dramas, Farces. Interludes, Burlesque Operas, Ec- 
centricities. Extravaganzas, Comicalities, Whimsicalities, etc., etc. As played 
by the principal "burnt-cork" performers all over the Union. In Six JParta 
16mo. Illuminated paper cover. 

CONTENTS OF EACH PART. 



Part I.— Deaf— In a Horn; 1 Scene. 
.2 Male characters. — Desdemonum ■; 3 
Scenes. 6 Male. 1 Female character. — 
De Trouble Begins at Nine; 1 Scene. 2 
Male characrers. — Challenge Dance; 1 
Scene. 3 Male characters. — Mis-hat)-* of 
Ccesar Oram; 3 Scenes. 3 Male, 2 Fe- 
male characters.— New Year's Calls; 5 
Scenes. 5 Male, 2 Female characters. — 
Nobody's Son; 1 Scene. 2 Male charac- 
ters. — Scijjio Africanus; 3 Scenes. 3 
Male, 1 Female character.— Scenes at 
Gurney's {Scenes in the Studio); 1 
Scene. 3 Male characters. — 16,000 
Years Ago; 1 Scene. 3 Male characters. 
— Dancing Mad; 1 Scene. 6 Male, 1 
Female character. 

Part II.— The Coopers; 1 Scene. 6 
Male, 1 Female character. — Jolly Mil- 
lers; 1 Scene. 3 Male, 1 Female char- 
acter. — Mischievous Nigger; 1 Scene. 

4 Male, 2 Female characters. — Sham 
Doctor; 3 Scenes. 4 Male. 2 Female char- 
acters. — Virginia Mummy; 4 Scenes. 
6 Male, 1 Female character. — Fighting 
for the Union; 3 Scenes. 4 Male, 2 Fe- 
male characters. — Dixie,- 1 Scene. 3 
Male, 1 Female character. 

Part III.— Ticket- Taker; 1 Scene. 5 
Male characters. — Uncle Jeff; 5 Scenes. 

5 Male, 2 Female characters. — Black 
Shoemaker; 1 Scene. 4 Male, 2 Female 
characters. — Booms to Let; 1 Scene 2 
Male, 1 Female character. — Troublesome 
Servant; I Scene. 2 Male characters. 
^Oh, Hush! 3 Scenes. 4 Male, 1 Fe- 
male character. — Quack Doctor; I Scene. 
4 Male, 1 Female character. — Darky 
Tragedian; 1 Scene. 2 Male charac- 
ters. 

Part IV.— Three Black Smiths; 1 



Scene. 3 Male characters.— Great Ar- 
rival; 1 Scene. 3 Male characters. — 
Les Miserables (Unhappy Fair),- I 
Scene. 3 Male characters.— Hop of 
Fashion; 2 Scenes. 5 Male. 2 Female 
characters.— The ^Yreck,■ 1 Scene. 4 
Male. 2 Female characters.— Dat Same 
Old Coon; 2 Scenes. 4 Male, 2 Female 
characters. — De Maid ob de Hunkpun- 
cas; 1 Scene. 2 Male characters.— Bones 
at a Baffle; 2 Scenes. 3 Male charac- 
ters. — An Elephant on Ice; J Scene. 2 
Male characters. 

Part V. — Magic Fenny; 3 Scenes. 6 
Male, 1 Female character. — Yilikens 
and Dinah; 1 Scene. 4 Male, 1 Female 
character. — Old Hunks; 1 Scene. 3 
Male characters. —Highest Frice for Old 
Clothes; 1 Scene. 3 Male characters. — 
Stage-Struck Darky; 1 Scene. 2 Male, 

1 Female character. — Black ("rook Bur- 
lesque; 2 Scenes. 7 Male, 2 Female 
characters. — Turkeys in Season,- 2 
Scenes. 3 Male characters. — Old Dad's 
Cabin,- 1 Scene. 2 Male, 2 Female 
characters.— A unty Chloe; 1 Scene. 1 
Male, 1 Female character. 

Part VI. — Bone Squash; 8 Scenes. 9 
Male, 3 Female characters.— The Black 
Statue,- 1 Scene. 4 Male, 2 Female char- 
acters.— Mazeppa; 2 Scenes. 7 Male, 2 
Female characters. — Jack's the Lad; 6 
Scenes. 7 Male, 2 Female characters. — 
Feast; 1 Scene. 4 Male, 2 Female char- 
acters. — The Hypochondriac: 2 Scenes. 

2 Male characters. — The Actor and the 
Singer; 1 Scene. 4 Male characters. — 
Shylock; 3 Scenes. 5 Male. 2 Female 
characters. — Old Uncle Billy,- 1 Scene. 
2 Male, 1 Female character/ 



PRICE, EACH PART, 30 CENTS. 

Sent by mail, ou receipt of the price, by 

HAPPY HOURS COMPANY, Publishers, 

No. 5 Beekinan Street. New York. 



ARNOLD'S 

Dialogues, Plays and Speeches. 

A collection of short Dramatic Sketches, Witty and Sparkling Dialogues, and a 
variety of Pathetic, Serious and Comic Speeches.' Designed for the use of schools, 
social gatherings and evening parties, by Andrk Arnold. 
C O 1ST T E K" T S . 



Dialogues: 
Mrs. Sniffles' Confession.— 1 Male and 

1 Female character. 
The French Cook. — 2 Male characters. 
Examination Day at the Seminary.— 11 

Female characters. 
Fashionable Requirements. — 3 Female 

characters. 
The Poet Under Difficulties.— 5 Male 

characters. 
The Goddess of Folly. — 12 Female char- 
acters. 
The Light of Love. — 2 Male characters. 
The Debating Club. — i Male charac- 
ters. 
The Fox and the Ranger. — 2 Male char- 
acters. 
Plays: 

A Noble Vagabond. — A Sketch in 1 Act. 
2 Male characters. Costumes, Spanish. 
Scene, simple. Time in representation, 
fifteen minutes. 

The Three Men of Science. — A Comic 
Sketch in 1 Act. 4 Male characters. 
Costumes and scenes easy. Time in 
representation, thirty minutes. This is 
a very laughable piece, and cannot fail 
to " bring down the house." 

Slighted Treasures. — A Petite Come- 
dy in 1 Act. 4 Female characters. Cos- 
tumes, modern. Scenerv, plain. Time 
in representation, forty -five minutes. 

The Harvest Storm. — A Domestic 
Drama in 1 Act. 10 Male characters. 
Costumes, modern. Scene, simple. Time 
in representation, forty minutes. 

A Silent Woman. — Comedietta in 1 
Act. 1 Male and 1 Female character. 
Costumes, modern. Scene, a drawing- 
room. Time in representation, twenty 
minutes. 

Furnished Apartments. — A Comic 
Interlude in 1 Act. 5 Male characters. 
Costumes and scenery easy. Time in 
representation, fifty minutes. 

Tact and Fact. — A Comic Sketch in 
I Scene. 1 Male and 1 Female charac- 



ter. Costumes, modern. Scene, a draw- 
ing-room. Time in representation, 
fifteen minutes. 

The Babes in the Wood; or, The Fe- 
rocious Uncle and the Avenging Robins. 
— A Domestic Tragedy in 1 Act. 7 
Male characters. Costumes and scen- 
ery easy. Time in representation, thirty 
minutes. 

Too Attentive by Half. — A Comic 
Sketch in 1 Act. 2 Male and 1 Female 
character. Costumes, modern. Scene, 
a handsomely furnished apartment, 
Time in representation, thirty minutes. 

Decidedly Cool. — A Comic Sketch in 
1 Act. 2 Male and 1 Female character. 
Costumes, modern. Scene, simple. Time 
in representation, twenty minutes. 

Killing Time. — A Comedietta in 1 Act. 
1 Male and 1 Female character. Cos- 
tumes, modern. Scene, an elegant apart- 
ment. Time in representation, twenty- 
five minutes. 

Speeches: 
Rorv 0' Moore's Present to the Priest. 
The' Widow Bedott's Letter to Elder 

Sniffles. 
The Yankee Landlord. 
Lord Dundreary's Riddle. 
Antony and Cleopatra. 
Lecture on Bad Boys. 
Hezekiah Stubbins' Oration, July 4th. 
Old Sugar's Courtship. 
Mr. Caudle Wants a " Lateh-Key." 
A Mother to Her Bo v. 
The Falls of Lodore. 
The Battle of Ivry. 
" All We Ask is to be Let Alone." 
The Two Roads. 
Custer's Last Charge. 
Spartacus to the Gladiators at Capua. 
Josh Billings on Courting. 
The Three Warnings. 
The Debating Society. 
Jimmy Butler and the Owl. 
Aurelia's Unfortunate Young Man. 
A Showman on the Woodehuck. 



1 Volume, Keat Paper Covers. Price 30 cts. 

Bound in Cloth. Price 50 «*■• 

Sent by mail, on receipt of the price, by 

HAPPY HOURS COMPANY, Publishers, 

No. 5 Beekmau Street, New York. 



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